At a loss with what to do

I don't know what to do about my therapy or life in general right now. My therapist is working on the Dissociative Disorder work book with me(she has never had a DID client). She must think I have it if she is working on that book with me. Whenever I stress about my symptoms and what they mean (which I do a lot because I don't want to be some of the ways I am. I want to be able to push the blame onto another alter but I can't because I don't know how much of it is just me and it is just all me) she says just observe your symptoms with curiosity, use your grounding strategies. Also not hurting others is more important to work on than where they came from. I realize that but it doesn't help with the quilt and the uncertainty of what my diagnosis is. I have had this deepseated need to know why I am the way I am since I hit my teens. I just feel so lost right now. I don't feel like I am making much progress in therapy or life. I lack motivation in pursuing anything in life and part of it is because I don't even know who I am. I don't know if I am good or bad because I'm both. I dont mean just being snappy with someone or brushing up against someone and not saying excuse me. I mean thinking really scrappy stuff is funny. Yesterday I went to the doctor. I saw two homeless people sitting on the bench by a boarded up store. This feeling of joy overcame me. The thing is I'm d@*n near homeless myself. Who the heck am I? My therapist is confusing me because she says that she believes the core of who I am is (M) my birth name and who I am most. So lost

My system has always worked in the reverse. An alter or alters, I wouldn't know who at the time, would do something and I'd think "omg I can't believe I did that" Smash up a pub, shop lift, went into a police station with drugs cut up and walked out again - of there'd been a dog I would have been screwed.

I'd think about "what did I do yesterday" realise what I did or find myself with something I knew I didn't pay for or wake up in a cell. Then I'd see images of it or inside voice would say "stole it" etc and I'd think "omg I can't believe I did that"

I'd take the responsibility. The body did it, I don't remember it or feel connected to it but "I" did it. That's how I always felt. And how I still feel about stuff. If an alter does or says something I stand by it. I think, must of done or said that for a reason and I own it, honour it if you like, and where necessary deal with the consequences.

Once I got to know alters I found out who did what. Eg Pat smashed a pub up but Paul punched the barmaid. Even though I now know which alter it was I still feel it was "me" an overall persons of "me" They are parts of me. If I had developed normally as one single thought pattern then perhaps I would not have done that - I just realized I wouldn't of done that because I wouldn't have been abused as a kid if I had one thought pattern and the reason they did that was so they were locked in jail instead of going on holiday with the mother so I definitely wouldn't have done any of that. But it doesn't mean "I" didn't do it. Yes they are very different thought patterns to mine, different characters, different in how they deal with things, think and speak differently but I am them and they are me. It's good to get to know parts of yourself but it doesn't mean they aren't all parts of you as an overall person. At the time they smashed the pub I was in a denial and I think nothing other than that would of stopped the holiday with the mother. But when I woke up on Sunday and had been there for two days by then my first thought was "thank God I haven't got to go on holiday with my mother" so as much as I was in denial I was glad of not going, I used to believe whole heartedly that I was the problem. That it was me who made my mother how she is, my fault I hated being around her, that I was crazy and mentally ill and that's why I hated her. So I would of gone, felt terrible, believed it was all my fault and been depressed for months afterwards thinking what is wrong with me that I have problems with my mum - mums can't be bad. So they did that and a few days in jail and a fine were much better than months of self torment. Now I know why and I know it's my mother who is at fault it helps but is very difficult in other ways. Mostly at the moment it's the feeling that because she is sick, disturbed, sadistic and nasty and I'm her daughter that I must be too and I have to remind myself of reality by noticing I went to parenting classes, that my children are very different to how I was etc.

Anyway my point is accept that alter or not these parts are a part of you. A part of your psyche. You need to shine a light on your darkest parts not try to push them away or put blame on them but not you. They are you. You are them. They need help as much as you do. The blame needs to go on your abusers for how they are. Would I have survived if I didn't have the part of me that used to look at my mother being nasty and think "is that all you got" no, I would not, I'd be more of a mess. And it that part that brings a drive in me of "I will be how I want to be because that's beating them" You need to find a strength in the parts you're demonising perhaps.

Isn't this like the fourth clinician to diagnose you with DID? Have you tried just proceeding "as if"?

I believe acting "as if" is dishonest and unhelpful if you do not know for certain.

The kind of knowing for certain that you want is very unlikely to ever happen. People who have accepted and worked on their DID/OSDD for years, and know very well that they have alters, can still have parts who constantly doubt that it's true, and their influence can affect the system very strongly at times.

Your choice is to proceed as if you have alters, or just to stay stuck where you are, which doesn't sound very comfortable either.

I agree with what Sarandipity said:

Sarandipity wrote:Anyway my point is accept that alter or not these parts are a part of you. A part of your psyche. You need to shine a light on your darkest parts not try to push them away or put blame on them but not you. They are you. You are them. They need help as much as you do. The blame needs to go on your abusers for how they are.

I'm concerned that your therapist is talking about a "core" or a part she may be viewing as the most important. Can you make sure that she has read the guidelines for treating DID? No one part is supposed to be treated as the most important--they are all equally important. There are online courses she can take in order to learn how to treat someone with DID/OSDD.

She said there are several treatments for DID and she thinks we are on the right track. I don't know what that means. How do I get past the dishonest feeling I have. I don't want to be dishonest with myself or anyone else. I don't go around yelling from the rooftops I have DID only my family and treatment providers know and my family couldn't be less supportive.

Nobody wants to yell about mental illness from the roof tops. I only tell people that "I have had breakdowns" when I feel really comfortable with them and they know me well. They usually say "you don't seem like you have breakdowns" Since the psychiatrist said he's going to send me to trauma therapy for complexPTSD I've been trying that out online "I have complex PTSD to anonymous strangers. I feel ok about that so far. It seems about the same as saying "I have breakdowns" to me.

So just because you accept you have something doesn't mean you have to tell people. People cover up having terminal illness to their loved ones so not mentioning a specific mental illness of any sort is ok. That's what I think, it's my business. My old therapist from 10 years ago knew, she respected my privacy that I have parts of myself/alters and agreed the NHS can't do anything so aside from it being confidential in a therapy session even if she told them there's nothing they could offer. I've only just told the Psychiatrist because there are two centres for dissociation in the country. He's being very practical about it and said if I don't first have specific trauma therapy they will say "why hasn't she had trauma therapy before we pay to send her to a centre for dissociation" He also said the centre nearest to me has a 12 month waiting list so it's clearly a big problem they need to address.

But you don't have to tell anyone anything. I'm thinking I'll say I have complex PTSD if it comes up or I feel like to tell anyone which mostly I don't.

Just because you accept something about yourself doesn't mean you have to tell anyone.

Do you talk about the feelings of dishonesty? Try to figure out where it comes from with your T? Maybe this can help get beter understanding and get past the feelings.
I can relate tot them in the way that i was always told that i wasnt supposed to lie when i was little and that when i did my parents could see it in my face ( one exmple of why i am so afraid of lying now) . Also i was never believed when growing up if i told something happened to me.
Now these parts still dont understand the difference between then and now and i am still very afraid of lying or making things up. In therapy i work on trusting my story and everything that comes with it and that other people ( my therapists) will believe me and not hurt me or send me away

Sarandipity, I was just saying I don't going around telling anyone other than treatment providers and my immediate family but still I don't want to lie to them or myself.

AllCoulors, We have talked a little about it. I just don't want to pretend to have a disorder if I don't know I have it for sure and just seem like it's dishonest and with dishonesty comes living a lie. I don't see where living a lie is helpful. Whenever I doubt my diagnosis though my T tells my to worry about my symptoms and not judge where they are coming from just observe them with curiosity. Then I'm just stuck in the same boat of not knowing. Then I may feel I get a little evidence of knowing and feel ok for a little while. Then the am I being dishonest I don't ever have enough proof comes in.Then a little glimpse of ok well that has to be a dissociative disorder pops in then ok maybe that's not DID but BPD, or schizophrenia or xyz ok I'm being dishonest again. It's a never-ending cycle.