Connecting with past and self

I had wanted to get to know the part that is in constant pain and causes the brain to feel fried. A big internal argument happened and that then seemed unlikely.

However last night I said some stuff, true stuff, to the bf and I felt like I'd upset him. He's been mean for weeks so I ought not to have felt bad but the self hatred and self blame kicked in. I couldn't sleep and sat in the kitchen. I tried to internally reach out to that part. Eventually she was there because part of my brain started to feel fried. I had a conversation with her and said I wanted to know things that happened to her. Then somebody said "have a cigar" somebody is often saying that but it always just seems stupid and I largely ignore it except it linked into stuff she was trying to get across. Everything felt to real again, the abuse, the fragment stuff Paul said he wrote down, the fragments coming into the body and reliving what happened.

I went into the toilet because all I ever personally remembered of anything was getting out of bed at night and hiding in the toilet and wishing I could disappear. I was about 3 or 4. My dad found me and said "you can't hide from us that easily" and him and my mother laughed. I never remember more than that. So I went into the toilet and she showed me more things. Some of it was like it was happening right then, like a flashback but it was also with internal dialogue of "you've seen enough" O was crying the whole time from when I was in bed to when I laid down on the toilet floor. Me and her laid down together. I drifted off to sleep for a short while, cried myself to sleep. I wanted to keep her with me. To pick her up where we left eachother. That's how it feels like we parted ways in that toilet at 3 or 4 and it felt right to try to pick her up again. I don't know if I'm making sense.

At some point I woke and realised I was cold. I didn't feel cold but internally "you're cold" and when I touched my arm my arm was cold so I went back up into bed and went straight to sleep. I can't remember if I was still tearful or not.

This morning she's still with me. She wants me to do the day like she's not here so she can experience it but it's very difficult. I've been backwards and forwards because of forgetting to brush teeth, wash. She can leave, she showed me, we are not stuck like this which was a first concern of both of us. She was very frightened this morning but I told her it's ok. I just didn't know if I can carry her all day or do the day as planned because I still feel immensely sad. I think maybe it's ok to spend the day with her and do something different but I don't know, everything keeps getting really confusing. It's not the pain, her pain is diluted and springs up in localised areas where I'm here too. It's the anxiety I think. She is very anxious.

I just don't know if this is a good idea or not.

I remember the unveiling of 52 insiders...hiding in the closet or under the table or in the garden...What did the movie Avatar say...I see you...another saying ...I feel you...I do not know how many of us are left...I am aware of many eyes reading this post...not as many as a fly has;
Thank you for sharing