Sleep issues

I slept last night but my brain is exhausted. I asked the bf if I slept and he said I woke up and told him to stop talking but he wasn't talking. I records the whole night and he said I can listen to it.

From my perspective I slept the whole night. I don't remember saying anything to him. This has happened before but I feel so exhausted today.

My brain is fried, my body aches and I haven't even done anything.

After the doctor told me I put alot of weight on I have changed my diet. So maybe that is contributing.

I feel like I've been awake for days but I've been asleep.

Does anyone here have this feeling from time to time? I feel like I'm going crazy.

It could be that you slept but you didn't get the deep sleep that you needed. Try some warm tea or milk before bed tonight.

Thanks Rive, I feel like I slept ok last night and I think the fried brain feeling is coming from something else.

I was playing Sonic the hedgehog, an old one from 1991 that I used to play until about 1995. There were other old games on this disc to play but I only remember ever playing sonic.

While going through these games there was a game with a castle, I can't remember what it's called, and I knew I'd played it but I hadn't played it if that makes sense. So I started to play it and somebody inside was saying things like "you have to go speak to everyone before you go into the forest" and you did have to speak to everyone, it made the game different. They would say put the ring on, and I would and it'd make the armour stronger etc. I started to know, I can't say remember because it was "I know I played this" not I remember. Then I remembered an internal conversation from when I was playing sonic and these games. It was "you're stupid at this. You play sonic and I'll play this" There was a third game that I had a knowing of but I didn't play that one. I started to play the castle game and it feels like it was that side of me that played it reaching out. And I think maybe this is why my brain feels fried, not because of the game but because of this part - it feels like a whole other system not a part.

Then this morning the other part was there and we talked a little but my brain started to feel fried again. The part said "it's frying the brain is both being here" and a few words later it left.

So I think it's not lack of sleep that's making the fried brain.

Massive internal argument between this tip of the iceberg and ourselves.

I'm calling her a night part or system. I know her. She needs to stay out of day time routine. I will not be dictated to by that bitch.

I told her I'll set this system free if she tries it again. I take orders from the twins only if I take any at all. I will not have her pets trying to influence my day. So the day I was going to do I will simultaneously not allow her to ###$ and allow her to ###$.

Basically I'm gonna do me. Day time. Not her trying to get people influencing our path. She can ###$ right off. Paul

So massive internal argument. Parts sprung up and although Paul is feeling set about it. I'm just upset. No-one feels the same as Paul. This part knows nothing about daily life so she doesn't get to do this. Paul and No-one said ###$ everything, we don't care about that bitch or anything she thinks she's done because they know themselves and it would of played out much differently, drink and drugs for them not this bs. Patrick tried to talk them round but they swayed him and he agreed. She needs to stay out of our life for now. They will play nice but they will stop if they even think or get a sniff that she is trying to pull their strings in their house in this manner again.

It's getting really territorial and it's all in the same brain, my brain. This other part I wanted to get to know but because of whatever she caused they are cutting it off on principle. They say that she should take their word on what they will do and she hasn't so now they do what they like today and whatever happens happens because she has to stay out of things and can't directly influence daily life. [She doesn't know life or how it feels to have someone coming down on you. We all do and we do not appreciate it being caused by her. The twins. Ps you are a d*ck you dumb bitch. Go annoy someone other than yourself weirdo. We appreciate the difficult nature of this for some Beth]. It's just horrible, to have this in your brain, this argument and disagreement.

She tried to get Paul in trouble which means her too. But Paul says she doesn't care, her life wouldn't change prison to here, she'd make ways to still do her thing. She doesn't get/understand outside life. I think we should help her and let her have some outside life but she makes my brain feel fried but maybe she could come out alone. I guess I'm the cloud? Not normally witness to this or something but it's horrible and I personally do not like the idea of her having no life. I know she likes swimming, she must because I haven't found any part who likes swimming but we keep planning to go swimming. I think we should still go but Paul says no because she doesn't get to throw her weight around like that. And now she's caused two personal crimes against us to be committed and tried to get Paul to spaz out - his words.

She thinks she's better than the rest of the system, more important, she isn't, she's as important but she shouldn't try these tricks with us. I don't really know what to do now. Do I take compassion and forgiveness of her and go swimming or do I reprioritise like Paul said and make her wait. Karen doesn't want any part of this. Beth can't get us to swimming she's agoraphobic but she said she can see both sides. The Overlord wants to self harm. The twins are taking a vote. They said we do it all, which is their usual take. Paul had a priority but notes have already been made so we find the notes, we go swimming, we do the day as planned but delayed. Leaving no time for Beth to write unless she writes this evening. The vote was for swimming. The twins adapted everything. Apparently she's sorry. And now others are saying stuff like "for once in her f'in life" and Paul isn't happy but he took a while to realise No-one was anxious and not sabotaging so I think he'll come round. I think I was never used to getting my own way and this part was just trying to get its own way by the only way it knows. Yes it needs to learn other ways to get what it wants from our system or in our body but everyone gets one chance I believe, everyone deserves one chance even if it is an internal part. [If she does it again then we will deal with her differently. The twins]

Typing helped. I just feel drained though and don't have the energy to do anything they're saying now. I want to get into bed and cry.

This day worked out ok. Ran an errand, Swimming and a very productive psychiatrist appointment.

Just had a sarupticious course of events. Had a voicemail, googled the name and number - you know how the internet works like a thread. Didn't find anything but then I logged on here a different choice of username popped up. I tried it for here but it wasn't for here. So I googled the username and it was for a watpad account - I then remembered someone tried to use watpad so I downloaded the app and it let me upload a bit of the stories I'm writing onto watpad. So that was good. Whoever was trying to do this before I remembered they couldn't so it was good that for whatever reason my course of googling lead to this username popping up here because letting people read a chapter of the stories/novels is the next step I suppose in writing and watpad seems as good as any place to start.

**TW VIOLENCE**

I want to gut the bf like a fish and then peddle over his intestines on a push bike while he's still alive. The Overlord...that's how fed up of him I am.

**END TRIGGER**

He's a boring old fart who moans about boring old fart things. That nobody cares about. Insignificant mindless waffle that a pig shouldn't need to hear let alone a penguin. There's no cure for the brain deficiency he has. He holds no value in a peaceful quite life. Even now there's nobody to moan about and instead of enjoying it he chooses to make a war of noise and nonsense.

I do not understand it. I lived through some awful tortures, humiliations, violations and stressors. When there's a choice of peace and a choice of nonsensical verbal dialogue I choose peace. If somebody can not appreciate peace and only appreciates the suffering and pain of others at their hands then they deserve the war they bring upon their own head.

Only those who have suffered appreciate tranquility. Only those who have suffered appreciate that occasionally there is need for suffering of the oppressors to bring peace. That their suffering is valid and justified because through their suffering they may appreciate peace. Through their suffering they may gain empathy. And through their suffering their victims are released. This is as ancient lore. It is foretold. It is woven to the fabric of existence that those who practice oppression will one day be oppressed.

This can not be taught. It can not be passed on in word but only in deed. It needs to be experienced. This bf has never known suffering. He only knows how to oppress. He has no appreciation of small things, of peace, of the feeling of freedom because he has never been caged. He is not a person to be near. Perhaps like a dog he can be taught not to bark but he will never appreciate the tranquility of his own silence. The Overlord