holding out or holding on?

it's been almost a week since i've been back. i had left several messages for an appointment with the shrink. haven't heard a thing. he's probrably on vacation himself, but of course i have all this other crap going on in my head. one says "you don't need therapy." another says "are you kidding, it's helped a lot." "#######4, you can't even open up, admit it, you're not ready to talk about how you really feel. it's a waste of time." "well at least i'm trying" etc...

i don't know, i think i'm just going to wait a while. as long as i've got you guys, i'll be ok. i keep getting these times when i can remember everything and go fedal. i remember feeling like it's too much to bare, then nothing. like my brain goes dead. it's really frightening, kind of feels like i'm on the edge of a break through. most of the others don't seem to have any knowedge of it. maybe it's nothing.

benny

I know sometimes, there are months, where I feel like I am wasting my time in therapy, but really those sessions, where I do little bits of work and then sometimes loads of #######4, add up and then all of a sudden I will have a major break through. For me its worth it to keep going. Sometimes it is just to sit there and feel miserable, sometimes its to discuss what stress has been going on in my every day life and how that is affecting my dissociation, and sometimes its to let the little ones out. This is just my opinion. Whatever you decide is right for you, and I hope whatever you decide you are safe and happy.
Amber

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Benny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't know what to say, sorry.. but we're thinking of you.

thank you so much amber, and dimensional. that means a lot to me.

benny

how's it going?

still haven't heard a word. i'm stubborn, after leaving three messages i'm not calling again. if he doesn't call soon, i'd say it's time for a new therapist. i might just go back to my old therapist. he doesn't have the experience with d.i.d., but he did help to dx me. he was the firsted person i trusted enough to talk about "us", and helped me understand more about it. i'm sure you all know how terrifying that is! what do you guys think?

benny

Oh i think I had it backwards, i was under the impression that he was leaving messages for you not the other way around.

If he doesn't call you, and doesn't respect the fact that you are trying to help yourself get better, then I say its definitely time to find a new therapist.

Trust is a difficult issue, and if he is stretching that already thin trust between the two of you that is not fair of him.

I hope it works out soon for you.
Amber

thanks for the sound advice, amber.

it's hard to know if i trust someone. i can't tell most of the time. i pretty much stay dissociated. i'm afraid to open up and then be left hanging. what if i fall apart? it's not like me to let anyone know, if i'm losing it. instead, everything in me tells me to run like hell. i can't seem to break through that barrior. i wonder if parts of me will ever trust. when i feel weak, they are stronger than ever. i don't think i could open up unless i was in a very safe place. i don't know of any.

I hope you'll find a better therapist and that you'll get to experience trust sometime. Take care!!

ok......i am 99.999 percent sure this is the right dx FINALLY.

Who do i ask....what do i say....how does one go about handling this, or even beginning to admit this could be why i lose time.....do things i don't remember.....and SI so bad. I damn well know when i SI i'm way not the me i know. Iv'eread here that writing and mapping this out helps identify and fig. out alters......yes no??? I really need to hear from experienced DID dx's. Please. Iv'e lived in hell for 36 years now.
I owe Maine General over 80 thousand dollars. Sean picked right up on it.......how? Suicidal behavior, yes.....time shifts/losses...yes.....Serious SI problem....YES.....childhood trauma.....MASSIVE yes. I need to be educated please. This could mean i'm not having psychotic breaks.......this changes EVERYTHING.
Just been floored. whoah. Hit the Brakes.