What my T said today ** Trigger Warning **

*****Trigger Warning (mention of religion)****

Me and my T talked a little today about the alter with the bad impulses. She said it doesn't matter if it is an alter or not. Just that I don't act. So she said to say the prayer of compassion to myself that I would be helped with these impulses. That someone I know would be helped then all the people with that issue be helped. She teaches a lot of Buddhism. I just tinker with it and adjust to my religion which is Christianity. Then she said that I could ask that alter what they thought about the prayer and she said they would probably say I don't f-ing like it which I thought was funny but she contradicted herself. I know she's right it shouldn't matter if it's an alter or not. To me it does and I don't know why.

Rive wrote:*****Trigger Warning (mention of religion)****

Me and my T talked a little today about the alter with the bad impulses. She said it doesn't matter if it is an alter or not. Just that I don't act. So she said to say the prayer of compassion to myself that I would be helped with these impulses. That someone I know would be helped then all the people with that issue be helped. She teaches a lot of Buddhism. I just tinker with it and adjust to my religion which is Christianity. Then she said that I could ask that alter what they thought about the prayer and she said they would probably say I don't f-ing like it which I thought was funny but she contradicted herself. I know she's right it shouldn't matter if it's an alter or not. To me it does and I don't know why.

Sorting out who feels what is sort of important. Its like having a messed up system when you're not sure who did what and if you apportion something to the wrong part they get upset. So it's important to you which part it is and you're upset at the notion that it's you.

It's like the shoplifting. We did it as a teen and for years Karen got the blame but it was No-one. Karen will let someone miss scanning something at a till, turn a blind eye, but no-one will pocket something and not care. It's a very subtle difference but important to Karen. None of us could understand why she kept lieing and saying she didn't shoplift until No-one reappeared and said "actually that was me"

You're a part in a system. If someone said to me "do you shoplift" I'd say no, I have (because I know I have) but I wouldn't do it again" (which really I can't say that because No-one would do it again probably if she had to because she sees it like an emergency survival skill, same as pickpocketing - she has never pick pocketed, hang on sorry that's Patrick, he practices but doesn't do it but it's a skill in case of emergency). This is all to do with being so terrified and wanting to escape our parents - if for some reason we had no other way to eat then we could resort to those measures. So I don't judge it. Obviously it's unacceptable behaviour but there was no way after hearing "the little match girl" that we were going to sit their doing nothing waiting to die of hunger so we learnt stuff. "in emergency brake glass" - that's what we call it and every part has some kind of skill like that. Paul's is talking manipulation, Peters is martial arts, Karen's is being seductive, no-one and Patrick is theft, Beth has so much upset that she can cry pretty much instantly (it's real she taps trauma memory and I can feel tears now) andhelped us out more than once when we had zero money with official people. Lilly is more like a egg you on person.

So they all have "in emergency brake glass skills" that are not necessarily socially acceptable and they do not like being accused of the wrong one. You couldn't tell Paul he cries for example, that'd be insulting to him. Beth hates manipulation and does the opposite verbally but she cries which can be viewed as manipulative but she won't verbally manipulate, it's not her skill set and she will actively seek the opposite.

So as a part of a system it's going to be important to you that you are not the one with whatever thoughts.

Thanks Sarandipity, yes and it's still hard to know what's from who.