It just gets worse

The art group I wanted to go to has a woman I used to know volunteering there.

Firstly I do not feel comfortable to go there now.
Secondly I do not want to have any further contact with that woman. There's nothing wrong with her I just don't like her.
Lastly I had to find this out on a day that's already stressful enough.

I was supposed to go to court to be a witness. But I started going into imagination land. I realised it was because the court was stressing me.

We took a vote (parts) it was 7:2 in favour with some obstainers. So we went there (which fits with going there). Told them we're not being a witness because we feel it's too detrimental to our mental health.

We thought about all the times we haven't followed through on court things or justice - there has been loads and loads. And then the thought and feeling behind it was because to us there's no value in man made courts. Our husband was only convicted because he confessed, in prison he said we did him a favour reporting him (he had hurt other women too and I think possibly to be caught was a relief for him in a way). The only real judgement we see value in is divine judgement - whether that's heaven and hell or reincarnation or karma or that people suffer in their own brains in some way because of how they are.

Our family was not religious at all. But as a child I prayed often. Not for myself but for the world and animals - I was always worried about animals. I don't know where that came from but whenever there's a dilemma in what to do it always a higher power or the idea of that we turn to. It makes everything less overwhelming and takes off pressure. I haven't fully thought about this in depth and I wondered if anyone else here does that?

When stressed or overwhelmed how do you cope? When you can't dissociate the situation away? Do you turn to a higher power or the idea of one? For me it seems to be that or let my mind go into a complete imagination (which is basically dissociation I suppose).

My mother wrote me a letter earlier in the week also. As much as I detached and told myself it was unimportant it was effecting me, anger bubbling and a whole range of emotions. So in this upset state because I can't even give a witness to a simple matter I wrote her a reply. This is the reply:

Your letter is utter trash. Contrived nonsense. A mother who loves her child does not let her child sleep in a damp room for years and take her for blood tests for years when all her joints ache and her glands are swollen and only sort out the room when the child tells the doctor. Now, that is just for starters.

At the end of this hellish experience that it was being your daughter/victim you send me a letter knowing I want nothing to do with you but say you'll respect if I want nothing to do with you!

When I was a child and I hated you and him I used to wish you were dead and feel bad. I still hate you but I stopped feeling bad.

May you burn in Hell, Sara

So I'm sending that. I wish I had an envelope and a stamp right now because I am worried I will forget and not send it. I photocopied it as well as wrote it here incase that happens. It's concise, to the point and gets my message across I feel, I want to avoid a dialogue with her over ins and outs and all her ridiculous excuses but I wanted to let her know that I have always hated her and I still do and now I don't feel bad and she doesn't get to gaslight me with nonsense about loving me or missing me.

There is something wrong with that woman, the reason I don't want to go to the art group. I don't know why I said there's nothing wrong with her - I'm in some kind of self blaming low mood.

She's not nice and a bully and doesn't ever see her own behaviour as a problem. Her bf ground up against me and she thought it was funny and also would try to play fight me, deliberately mess up my hair (general low level bully stuff). I don't like anyone grinding up against me and she knew that. And I don't play fight because I find it really triggering and she knew that. Also the hair messing was to try to bait me into play fighting her and one night I wanted to have a real fight with this other woman because this so called friend (who clearly isn't a friend) kept baiting me. The only reason I didn't have real fight is because the cowardly bully woman ran away and I felt sorry for her chasing after the bf who didn't seem interested in her and ground up against me.

I stopped talking to her for three months but my family talked me into being friends with her again. They like people who are similar to them but don't see through them. Then she did a similar thing again and I have only spoken to her if I bumped into her since then, twice, that was a about 2 years ago and I'm glad she's out my life. So I'm not going to that art group. Which is a shame but I don't really have time anyway.

I just felt I needed to correct myself. The woman is not ok and I have reasons I don't want to be around her.

And when the sobbing comes over me I get pain in my hands. It start to sob and tension goes down my arms, then theirs a pulse of pain and then the pain leaves my hands. It's just been a really awful day. Really awful couple of years really. I was with an abusive man and during that time flashbacks and reliving SA occured. So now I'm emotionally messed. I didn't fully accept he was abusive till today when I realised he'd deliberately persuaded and threatened me to stop me speaking in court about what he did.

After I didn't go to court I realised what he did. So now the negative emotions are piling on. Which is more normal than going into denial, dissociating the reality of the situation but it is incredibly draining. And also the same old pattern for me. I've never had an abuser punished, my husband confessed and I tried to withdraw my statement but they took it out of my hands so even on that occasion I didn't do anything other than tell the police what happened and then he confessed - it was all completely out of my control after casually walking into a police station and telling the desk person. I genuinely didn't think they would arrest my husband. This is the same except the offence isn't serious enough for them to prosecute without me being a witness in court and this abuser has pleaded not guilty. He has now intimidated me into not attending court but as long as he stays away from me I can live without the court aggravation. I take the same veiw with my parents. They won't confess, they'll never admit anything and I'm not putting myself through that and feeling like I'm on trial - it'll be another abuse, like today in court would of been another abuse although it's an abuse that I was persuaded and frightened to not going to court today really.

I've just had enough.