Intro/Journey Thread

Alright. Er, this is a bit intimidating opening up like this. But I (we? It's still so new and confusing to us) wanted to make an introduction thread of our own. Introduce the people we apparently are.

Not everyone wanted to use their actual name and some of them have non-English names so some of them have been changed. It can still be a little hard to figure out who we are except in retrospect even if some of us behave quite differently since we don't tend to examine ourselves, I'm actually not entirely sure who I am writing, I might be someone we haven't figured out yet. So, without further ado, the ones who have been pretty definitively established:

Linden - Adult male, indeterminate age - appears ageless in some sort of almost elven way.
I guess you would call him the gatekeeper and the closest thing to a host - he's generally serious and sensible but has allowed the more cheeky ones more leeway with doing what they want as we've gotten older and does have a sense of humour. Deep, deep down. He's usually always lurking in the background and probably the reason why we tend to have a summarised version of events that happen even if we don't have the details. But he also tends to block off memories if our thoughts stray dangerously towards them. He's pretty impartial and stoic so not really any problems there except the fact he doesn't really care much about having an opinion (or if he does he doesn't act on it, just what he believes is best overall for us.) He probably does the most art and poetry and people are really impressed by it.
His voice is deep and serious and sounds tired but sincere.

'Raven' - Young adult, male.
The class clown of the group, tries to make people laugh and acts like he doesn't take anything seriously. Great actor/performer, loves singing and actually enjoys public speaking. He's probably the reason we took up voice acting for a short period...people tend to like him because he's smart and witty and tries to make sure people have a great time. People's opinions are really important to him and he hates conflict. He may also be into norse paganism where most of the others are nonreligious, openly atheist and disdainful of religion or just don't care.
His voice is very expressionate and warm, it's mid-ranged and has an undertone of 'nothing really bothers me' and 'no worries, everything will be just fine'.

Lullaby - Adult female. Probably in her 20s.
A compassionate caretaker figure, she is extremely responsible and used to be overly rule abiding since she had to care for and raise our disabled sibling since our parents were incapable of it. She burnt herself out during high school trying to help everyone at the cost of herself and now generally lays dormant until a friend is in crisis. Most people feel comfortable confiding in her.
She has a soft, comforting voice.

'MH' - Adult male. Early to mid 30s.
MH is always tired and a bit self-loathing, he's clearly depressed to those who know what the signs are and is tired of hiding it all. His sense of humour is really dry and often cynical or self-deprecating. He has pretty nihilistic views about the world but still hopes things can be better which is interesting for such a pessimist. He enjoys serious intellectual debates and silliness alike as long as it's interesting. MH's kinda a bit reserved and introverted and tends to seem stand-offish (if polite) to strangers but he's kind.
His voice is slightly on the deeper side and generally deadpan, his accent is extremely subdued due to all the international exposure.

Danny - Child male. Somewhere around 5-7 years old?
Danny generally hides away and only really comes out when feeling truly vulnerable and exhausted (in a place away from anyone who would notice.) Usually this is late at night when people are asleep or when he's hiding under a table or in a closet. He's terrified of being chased and has a tendency to run or hide when scared, he cries a lot and then feels bad about being a crybaby. He's super shy around people until he gets their measure and hide behind people he does know.
He likes soft, cute things as well as having a sweet tooth.
And of course his voice is childish and high pitched and he talks pretty simply.

Matilda - Child female. 11.
Matilda is a kid who got called an old soul during the body's youth. She's a people pleaser and really seeks praise and approval. A quiet, shy little bookworm that hates being noticed, she actually managed to get us banned from reading in the school library for a while because we kept reading instead of doing homework there after school(!). She wants desperately to fit in and immediately crumbles whenever people are even slightly disapproving towards her.
She has an extremely soft, shy voice that always sounds a little apologetic and is really polite.

'Grim' - Adult male.
'Grim' is a title we gave him until we figured out his name and it's a bit of a misnomer now in retrospect but he thinks it sounds cool. He was named for a 'grim smile' as in one in the face of a desperate, hopeless situation and still finding he can do nothing but laugh at it all. He's a very collected, cunning man who has the relaxed confidence of someone who is very assured in his capabilities (even if that's mostly lying and knowing how other people tick...) He's probably the sharpest dresser of us all and gets a little frustrated when we're not achieving things since he's pretty ambitious. Grim's also the most promiscuous and kinda acts out...
He has a steady, smooth voice that is quietly assured.

'Bad' - Teenage male. Around 16-17.
Bad is what he thinks of himself as. Picture a shifty little rescue cat that's afraid of people in human form and that's basically him. Except a bit more goth and edgy, I guess? He's really anxious and jittery and lashes out at others because the world is overwhelming for him. He's a pretty typical troubled teen...hypervigilant and struggles with wanting vengeance. He has a tendency to bite things/people when he gets overwhelms or become mute/just make random noises. When he does lash out he feels guilty about it afterwards and hates himself, thinking he's a monster.
Uh, Bad's voice is just kinda...not whiny exactly, but something like what you expect of an emo teen who's all 'you just don't understand >:( '

'Aki' - Young adult.
Aki's the reason we're looking into an ADHD diagnosis, he tends to ramble on and on and gets distracted super easily. If you know the 'SQUIRREL!' clip from the movie Up, that's basically him. We've crashed into bins, stationary cars and brick walls while cycling because he's gotten distracted by a bunny/dog/bird/some flowers and he's one of the newer alters, he loves cute fluffy soft toys when none of those who were actually around when the body was young liked such things. So he gets upset at us in retrospect for throwing a cute dog toy out when were younger since back then we thought such things were useless wastes of money. He's pretty sweet and cheerful despite dressing in all black and loving metal.
He has a high voice and often heard making silly voices or giving things cutesy nicknames.

'Perfectionist' - Ageless, genderless. Might be some sort of eldritch being, who knows.
The perfectionist is the one that the others tend to dislike or are afraid of, being our critic and often repeating the words of our abusers to keep us in line. It(?)'s obsessed with trying to act normal and enforce normality on our sibling since that was one of the body's jobs while younger and is a bit of a control freak. It hates when others are idling around and not being productive and gets upset when corners are cut or things aren't absolutely done to the best standard possible. Nowadays it's mostly dormant unless the body is particularly stressed.
It doesn't really have its own set voice.

'Numb' - Unknown age, male.
Numb is the most depersonalised one and has the classic thousand mile stare. His spirit is pretty broken and brittle and he's pretty much a ghost nowadays, always expecting the worst and to be left behind. I guess a lot of it is learnt helplessness during trauma, he has the worst memory problems and is barely responsive to the world.
His voice is monotone and distant.

'Captain' - Adult male. Around 30ish years old?
Captain has no time for emotions or mincing words, logic and reason is what's important to him. He's the best in a crisis since he's always very competent and calm and willing to step up to take charge as well as make hard decisions. Whenever he's out for a while our production of art/writing/other creative endeavours grinds to a complete halt, but at least we know a lot more about psychology and other 'smart' things that make the rest of us nod off when we read papers...he prides himself on his professional conduct and enjoys programming.
He speaks with a really clipped no-nonsense tone.

'Feral' - Young adult male.
Oh boy. Where to start...
Feral is the risk-taker who would agree to go sky diving just because some random person joked about it and he said why not. He doesn't care about what other people think of him and is kinda unrefined, he swears the most and has very little table manners that have appalled others. He's a survivor above all else and tends to be fairly abrasive at first and sometimes likes to be petty in proving people wrong. He acts pretty lower class and despises people who act like they're better than him and he's probably the angriest of us all.
Our birth accent gets rougher when he's around and he uses a lot of slang.

R - Young adult male.
R is a fairly recent addition, but one that has been fairly vocal. He's noticeable in that he has a different nationality and accent to the one of the land we were raised with, likely because he arose around the time we learnt those (related) languages...it's a little funny because our objective knowledge of language A is stronger but he has a language B accent. So he usually speaks language A when he's around but with a B accent. Other than that he's extremely eloquent and observant and interested in politics/making real change and he's definitely the most open and optimistic of us even if he can be a bit shy and easily embarrassed.
His voice is softly accented when he's not trying to cover it up and fairly high pitched.

Momo - Unknown age, female?
Momo is triggered by hearing our heritage languages, the languages our immigrant parents spoke at home. She(?) is mostly mute and resentful of them since she's only had bad experiences with understanding but not being willing to speak it and associating it with family. It's...complicated.
Her voice is fairly monotone and she speaks plainly and simply when she does talk, being used to talking to people who don't speak English well. She probably won't post.

Teagan - Young adult, male
On the surface he seems kinda like Raven in that he's fairly irreverant and always up for a laugh, but he's secure in himself in a way Raven isn't. He's always informal and would probably greet royalty with a handshake, a smile and a 'nice to meet ya' since he believes in treating everyone as equal.
His voice is slightly deeper than the 'baseline' and fairly expressionate, he likes to use lots of fun expressions and he uses the most slang and has the thickest accent of the place we grew up in.

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I think there might be more fragments but this is what we're fairly certain about. This took a lot out of us so I'll do a basic summary of our history and where we're at when we're feeling up to it.

Well...I guess we'll leave room for our history here when we can edit it in later. But people wanted to write about their days and feelings already while we were preparing to do so, so...I guess we'll put them here already.
-Matilda

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6 Nov 2019 -
need to get this out there while i still can. not sure exactly who i am.

today we went to a natural biodiversity musuem and Åke was really excited for it at first. He indulged his sweet tooth with a muffin, smoothie AND milkshake over the course of the day. Rocks and minerals and other natural things? Count him in, he said. He loves looking at the natural world and taking in all the little details like a little kid.

Only today the schools were on strike so there were lots of people there and the musuem had been renovated to cater towards children. Åke has a child-like curiosity and delight at the world, but he’s still not a child. He enjoyed pointing out all the funny faces the taxidermy animals made and commenting on which animals he could name and recognise. Only our caretaker Lullaby kinda likes children, that’s because she wants to help them and look after them…but even she isn’t so much a fan of all the running around and bumping into us. Too much high pitched screaming and crying.

Toomany people in close vicinity, too many people invading our personal bubble…about halfway though I came out. I was more interested in the intellectual and scientific side of it all rather than Åke who decided to walk like a t-rex past the t-rex skeleton despite not caring how he looked (I was embarrassed, though.)

Don’t really remember much else after that. We left and I think I disassociated the rest of the way back.

I don’t think I’ll be out much longer. There’s been too much noise in our brain, we get physically tired and yawn a lot when we have too much mental activity. Lots of naps during the day after we try to work through our mental issues. The ones that are more scientifically inclined look at anything they don’t yet understand as a problem to be solved and neglect to think as much about the emotional and physical repurcussions in the pursuit of knowledge. They tried for a bit to try and force the others out on command but it keeps giving us headaches. And we neglect to take care of ourselves already. Not good. Self-care is hard for us to learn because most of us would rather run away from our problems or don’t think we deserve to have good things.

Think Grim is the exception. He’s a protector but he’s rarely out, he tends to pull the strings from behind - when he is out he tends to put on a normal mask anyway. A cunning, manipulative sort of person who’s a good actor. But he’s not really malicious, it’s just how he was taught to deal with the world. He’s rarely let out nowadays because our gatekeeper would prefer us not to lie or have to resort to those sort of underhanded methods unless we have to, but he’s also the one who cares about taking care of the body and looking good.

I think that’s enough for now. Need to rest. Bye.
-?
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9 Nov 2019 -
I did it.

I send the therapist an email that wasn’t purely professional and justifiable because of it.

My face feels really warm. Ah…it’s scary. What if she’s annoyed with us and is just acting nice to our face because it’s her job but actually thinks we’re crazy and just acting up…? I apologised for taking up her time but then I realised some people get annoyed when you apologise too much and now I’m worried she might think I’m really pathetic? She hasn’t met me in person yet so she doesn’t know how shy and scared of not keeping her happy I am.

Did we mess it up by telling her our suspicions about DID? She was the one who brought disassociation up and said it was like we never developed a complete sense of self…but maybe she thinks we’re crazy. And we can’t afford that when we need her to approve of our gender transition to give us hormones. The boys would be really devastated if they still can’t get testosterone, it was really bad when we had to wait longer than we thought we had to. It’s been six years since we figured it out already and they’re tired of waiting.

I kinda hope she forgot what we mentioned about DID but…kind of hopeful maybe she might remember it. It’s scary trying to work up the courage to admit you might not be normal…I still have trouble. How do you bring that sort of thing up when they could react badly or not take us seriously?
They always overlook or dismiss us. They might even not believe/look down on what we are…it’s so scary being judged. That’s why I like to remain in the background. I don’t want anyone to see me. If they can’t see me, they can’t confront me. They can’t hurt me.

We can hide and they will be none the wiser.

But.

But it means when we’re hurting, no one can see us either. It’s hard when you need help but you’re also scared of help.

What else…

Today we figured out that there’s probably a traumatised fragment who keeps repeating things over and over and saying things like ‘no no no’ or ‘stop stop stop don't touch me’. We kinda had evidence of them already in our writing or when we got random thoughts of them repeating such things while feeling just fine and normal but we never quite put the dots together, thinking it might have been a part of someone we already knew, just that they also disassociated their trauma? It’s…confusing. But we’re pretty sure they’re still stuck in a flashback of abuse because of it.

So. That’s progress at least. Change is scary and unpredictable, but necessary. I just…wish it wasn’t so anxiety inducing.
-Matilda

YO
so I got told we swear way too much and I better cut it out here cos it's 'uncouth' or something. so you guys get my creative substitutions cos it's funnier

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what a [ducked up] world we live in, right?

yeah i'm still mad about it. [goshdarn]

so we like told the T about us last sesh and she hasn't said anything but she's meant for gender therapy and not our [quacking] trauma anyway. but she hasn't even said a [itsy bitsy baby] word about plans for our transition moving forward and i'm afraid she's just stringing us along. it's been half a year already and we had to wait since early 2019 when we moved to this country to find a gender clinic that'd see us, get put on the waiting list and finally see her. i'm still [honking furious] that we already got a stupid diagnosis back home and we could've gotten on T like immediately after that and we'd looked up the agreement that said the new country would honour all prescriptions from our home country.

YEAH [DUCKING] RIGHT those gatekeeping [lovely sweet angels] said NAH and that i gotta get rediagnosed. i'm still [honking] mad. we got our hopes up that once we finally left the country (and the abusive family situation) we could finally be free and yeet those fleshbags on our chest. i'm making light of it but it really gets to me. y'know? we keep disocciating to even function cos we can't deal with the dysphoria.

7 years we've known about the whole trans thing. 7 years we've waited to transition cos we still weren't safe. got to watch the fiancé sibling realise he was a trans guy, wait years on the waiting list and live 'real life experience' without hormones and presenting male before they'd hand him T. get to see his [honking] voice deepen and his bottle of T gel in the bathroom taunting us.

you don't even know how much [amazing, medal-granting] self restraint we had to use. like that was temptation itself sitting there taunting us every time we went to take a dump. and we told our fiancé that we were thinking of DIY but he begged us not to cos it's illegal and if the System (tm) finds out i broke a law our visa is null and void and we'd better book the first plane back home to our abusive fam. he's lucky that we love him. don't break laws kiddos it's not worth it

yeah we're still [sad honking] bitter and more than a bit jealous. his brother got to see his family react to us and become comfortable with trans people before he decided to come out, we got to pave the way. and it's hard to watch him flourish while we're still struggling.

course the system [ducks] us over as it always does. they never trust us or listen. don't trust any of them [sweet angels] like. they think they know what's best for us and have good intentions at the best of times and at the worst of times they don't give any [quack quacks] or are actively being [big meanies]. that's what happens when you got power over people's lives. they abuse it. boo [ducking] hoo they just want what's best for us- I'M NOT A [SWEET INNOCENT] BABY, I THINK I KNOW PRETTY WELL WHAT I WANT BY NOW AND I'M READY TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES IF IT TURNS OUT NOT AS I WANTED.

[duck this poop]. can't believe i'm even giving them the time of day just cos the [dear, loveable people] in my head wanna play along. fine. just don't blame me if it all goes pear-shaped.

- FERAL