Boy with a death wish, trigger warning

Trigger warning: death, death wish for whole post
There are many parts inside Jules' system that are keen on dying/being dead/self harming etc. I don't know how many there actually are, which makes this harder, because I don't know what all behaviors some parts have, like the one in question now. They can all be different parts (or more likely to be fragments in that case, with not a lot more things in them than this), or they can be more complex parts with changing behaviors.

I'm not good with time, but few weeks ago maybe a boy in Jules' system was triggered out with a thing told in Little's thread. It was party that's for all people who are dead, but nobody remembers. They'll light candles for them and think of them in the party. The boy was really touched by it, because he finds death really comforting. He hopes he could be dead and forgotten and then have a candle and we'd think about all dead boys like him.

I think he's not anyone who actually hurts the body, at least not at the moment. I think he's been around since he came out then, because after that Jules has not really been around, and today I've had very peaceful feeling in me all day. I felt it coming from Jules' system. They feel like it's snowing inside their mind, they experience it sometimes and it makes them calm and peaceful. But they're also just lying, not moving and I think the boy is dreaming he's dead and the snow is slowly covering him and he will be forgotten. To him it feels calming and comforting, there's no anxiousness like in some parts that wanna hurt the body. This one is not hurting anyone, just his wishes are out of ordinary.

Now the obvious question is, should we play along with him and let him be dead and forgotten with a candle, because it feels like dream coming true to him. Or should we not. I can not know about the future, and because there's so many kind self destructive and suicidal thoughts and wishes and urges in Jules' system, it's really hard to tell if this boy is all about this, or if he will wanna play it more and more real in future. Or if he's the one giving sudden urges to do something suicidal. There's someone who does that, and they feel people who have killed themselves are special and they wanna be special too. But that can be another part, or two other parts. Someone wants to be killed by someone else, I don't know if way of dying matters to this boy, he is hoping he already died. There are other kind of wishes for things after death too, but I don't believe it's this boy. This one feels more calm and not that way disturbed.

I don't know how much real threat he can be. I don't think he wants to die with my body, he wants to die in his boy body, the way he pictures himself. But I do not know how aware he is about realities and will there be other kind of wishes later on if there's more and more need to get things like this and he starts to connect the dots how to really do it. I don't know does he really wanna do it, or if it's just a way to feel peaceful for a moment. I think the risk is he almost gets something, but not quite, and then wants more, and we played along.

On the other hand, that's the way he can feel being cared about. Any talk about not getting to die is gonna take the peace away from him. So why wouldn't we show we care, his way? Lighting one candle is not a lot to ask for, and going to him to tell he's alive feels way too cruel, I think that could make him anxious and suicidal or self destructive, or trigger out another part who is like that.

I've tried to figure out why he wants to be forgotten, why that is part of his dream, why he doesn't want to be remembered as who he was, if having a candle still can make him feel cared for. All I can come up with is that it can be that he's looking for to feel pure. This can be linked to parts who feel they're sinners, maybe he originally was one of those parts and ended up like this. Dying is not enough to make them worth of sorrow in his mind, or make him pure. He can be looking for innocence, if it's symbolic, but I can't be sure. No one can judge someone who has been forgotten.

How do you tell apart what's helpful and what's damaging with parts that have deep traumas and unconventional ways to express their needs? How to tell urge or want apart from actual need? We should meet them on their level and accept them the way they are, but not feed their traumatic views of themselves. Which way to react is doing what?

What would you do? is there any general rules or guidelines? Any thoughts? Any experience about parts with same kind of views?

I know he is only looking to feel better, safe, comforted, cared. Do we give it to him the way he can receive it as long as he is this way, or let the candles be and let him dream about it, while trying to change his core beliefs? But that's a lot of work, I don't know how much we can actually achieve in time we are able to have therapy. (Our T is on vacation now, so I can't ask from her.)

Hi Flor

I don't know whether you should light a candle or not or just light one inside where he is, but I would let him sleep in the snow and not try to convince him otherwise without your T present. I think Beth and V2 have had parts of their system "die" and then later they come back so as long as the boy isn't affecting the outside body I don't think it will hurt to let him stay "forgotten".

I'm glad he is at least at peace with the idea and I'm sorry we triggered him.

Mo

Mo, like I said then, it's not your fault any way. It was a positive trigger to him, not negative one. He came because he saw something he wants badly, he imagined people lighting candles and them being for him too. He finds comfort in that, it didn't cause him wanna die, he has wanted to be dead a long time, and has imagined to be dead or dying. I'm not sure if the one who imagines being dying is different one too, because he cries and this boy seems only be calm. But maybe he calms down after he "dies". I don't know if it's all he does, it can be, maybe it's not. He liked the candles, that's beautiful to him. His reasons wanna be dead are somewhere else, only his want to have a candle is new. In a way that's reaching outside, which is why I think it may not be that bad idea. Maybe we should see his death the way he sees it to understand him and to get to communicate.

I'm not gonna convince him otherwise. I think he's fine, because he feels well, and that's more than many other parts in that system have. He has an escape, I won't take away anyone's way to survive. Now he survives by imagining things this way, and we let him be dead. If it's not a good thing to have candle for him, working with core believes he has are in many other parts too. We don't need to force him be alive before he sees himself different way.

There are few parts that are dead, who identify being dead. But this boy imagines that, although he isn't dead "for real". He wishes to be, but not the way those dead parts are.

This same theme exists in my system: dead and forgotten and then remembered. If he is dead and forgotten then he ceases to exist, but if he is dead and remembered then he can still exist and be cared for and not in pain. I think the imagery of snow and a candle is beautiful and serene. I see good reason to give him what he wants, and no reason not to.

*possible trigger warning*

I dont know if this is a help to you, but I keep thinking about a pixar movie called Coco. Its about a boy who goes into a Magic world to surch for his ancesters who are forgotten, its about remembrence aswell. Maybe it can be good for the little, but maybe its also triggering. I dont know.
You can look it up if you like an see if its good or not and maybe a way to connect with the little.