New host? Who's driving? Kinda dx

Thank you. We understand if this thread is locked. We hope not as we do want input, but I assume we can post a new message about the topic?

yeah if it gets locked, that'll be the mod team just thinking it's got too far off topic and can't recover- in which case sure just turn back the clock and take up where the topic left off in a new one.

Who is driving, is who needs to notice their experiences

Who is driving, is sometimes who takes to the guidance of the therapist

Who is driving, is who takes too your life's goals.

Who is driving, is what can bee seen as a occupational etc deficiency.

WHo is driving, is those that need to be healed basically if there is such a word

ganjakites wrote:Who is driving, is who needs to notice their experiences

Who is driving, is sometimes who takes to the guidance of the therapist

Who is driving, is who takes too your life's goals.

Who is driving, is what can bee seen as a occupational etc deficiency.

WHo is driving, is those that need to be healed basically if there is such a word

Is it common to not know? We thought it was LKinney for a week, but only starting to understand, I am suddenly driving. But then LKinney was out front our whole life, so this is completely new. It's hard to understand.

I don't remember if you've already talked about this or not, (and I really don't want to look back at page one of this thread), but sometimes hosts get overwhelmed when the other parts come to light and they hide. You did say that LKinney didn't want to see the therapist this week. It must seem like you're the best one to handle the situation right now. Can you talk to her and reassure her? Or journal with her to see how she's feeling?

TheGangsAllHere wrote:sometimes hosts get overwhelmed when the other parts come to light and they hide.

Yes, that happened. But I didn't know I was in front for awhile. Is that normal? Or was it more that it's not sudden and it was a slow change? It just sort of hit me in one moment that I was there, and looking back I can see, okay, no, I was in the front sooner.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:You did say that LKinney didn't want to see the therapist this week. It must seem like you're the best one to handle the situation right now. Can you talk to her and reassure her? Or journal with her to see how she's feeling?

She basically quit and retreated deep. She refused to see our T, so when we started to talk to the T she basically said, "Fine. YOU deal with all of it then" and left. We're almost 40 and LKinney has been out front the entire time. There's been some small switches from time to time, but nothing like this.

I can't hear her at all at this time. But after she left, others have come out more.

I'm starting to think that our issue is LKinney tried to control and restrain the rest of us our whole lives. She worked so hard to hide how bad things were that she denied us to herself, until she couldn't, but even then, we were not personalities, alters, she calls us "fractures." Even as those who she could no longer deny got names, she downplayed them, limited them, fought with them. This seems to have made it so she didn't know about most of us.

When we started therapy, more and more LKinney started to become aware of more of us. This was after she accidentally told our T about the rest of us, and then our T started to work with us based on that information, though LKinney rejected that idea (the T did the work anyway, with baby steps so LKinney didn't really realize).

But as more of us came out, more of us made ourselves heard, LKinney...as I said before, she broke. It was finally the one thing too many, and for the first time in our lives, she went away while in the room with another person, leaving us to have to control the body. We could not talk to the T at the time, so we wrote to say what had happened, but then we went home (this happened at the end of our session).

LKinney stayed away for several hours, but slowly came back...but we were now where she couldn't deny anymore. She then had a recent trauma last week and just gave up on the world, she couldn't do it anymore. Perhaps it was more that LKinney and I were co-sharing (I forget the term) between that session and the trauma and then the trauma happened, LKinney quit the T, and refused to participate in the world anymore (which many alters agreed with). But then I took over and emailed the T. And then, LKinney threw the steering wheel at me and stormed off.

I think we need the T's help with LKinney. As noted, the T thinks she is suffering from complex trauma, complex PTSD, and complicated grief (we are all still very troubled by our loss, though some of us are handling it better, but that doesn't mean we care any less). I have no training or knowledge in such things, while our T is a specialist. But, LKinney won't talk to her anymore. Besides all I just said, she's ashamed of us and ashamed the T saw her go away.

*sigh*

Frankly, I have no idea what to do. We're also so very busy with school (that is a massive source of stress for a lot of complicated reasons out of our control), and after a long, stressful work day, we don't have much energy to do anything aside from veg out. Coming here now has started to be a good source, both for positive contact (most of the time) with other people, and having someone besides our T to talk to.

LKinney keeps a journal. Maybe I should keep one? Seems wrong to use hers. Or do you mean to get a journal where we try to talk to each other? None of us are good at talking to each other. I did get a name from Punky, and "Panic" came to me better than LKinney and shared her name finally (River), but we know there's more alters who haven't come forward yet. And even those we know of are still pretty hidden.

We have a journal where we talk to each other, and one where we talk to the T. We use different colored pens to make it easier to see who’s talking, although sometimes people want to hide and then they just use the black.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:We have a journal where we talk to each other, and one where we talk to the T. We use different colored pens to make it easier to see who’s talking, although sometimes people want to hide and then they just use the black.

LKinney, and now I, email our T. We do this so we don't spend session time watching her read, not just because that's a lot of money to watch someone read, but because LKinney always found that so uncomfortable when she was bringing in long notes instead.

Good idea on the colours pens.

We see the logic in keeping a different journal to try to talk to each other. I'm not sure we're ready for it though. I was trying to try stuff last night LKinney always rejects, in this case focusing on our breathing. I figured with the T last week that LKinney always rejected any "relaxation" ideas because in such states she was more likely to hear us. "Relaxing" made her freak out. But if I am hosting now, I want to communicate. So I tried this last night, but as I was trying to call out in my head to the others, it was like a huge, metal door was slammed closed on my face. It actually was very painful, a blunt, intense pain in my head. I tried again and got the same painful feeling, so I stopped. That said, I did hear a few others say a few things.

I tried to talk to LKinney last night, but there was no reply at first. When I said, "I cannot hear you," she shouted back, "You are not listening" and was then silent again.

We're also having a lot of intense and vivid dreams, and then we wake up, with someone else fronting briefly before we can get back to sleep. It's...unsettling, for everyone.