Can someone provide a link?

Sarandipity wrote:Rive, I want to tell you this.

**TW RAPE AND SA**
When I was up to about age 22 I thought I had a "normal" childhood, I loved my parents unconditionally and I thought I was the problem, this crazy terrible daughter who was schitzophrenic.

I call this belief, that some parts still hold on, memory thread 1. Memory thread 1 has got thinner over the years because so much of what they do in the present backs up the memory threads that they are not "ok"

At 22 I started to realise, because of how my parents treated my eldest son, that they were not "normal" and this was very confusing and caused a breakdown but at 22 I went straight back to memory thread 1 and thought "no it's all in my head, they might not be perfect parents but what parents are and I'm probably getting it wrong, it's me with the schitzophrenic issues"

Then I had a very good psychiatrist. He never mentioned DID to me but he asked a simple question, are the voices inside your head or outside your head. When I said inside he took me off tablets and when I had my next crisis at age 25, because a family member abused my son, he sent me to psychotherapy instead of putting me back on meds.

In psychotherapy over 3 years I explored my childhood. I told the therapist things like "I slept on a wasp nest for a year because my parents said they don't nest in the same place twice and when I got stung in the middle of the night they laughed" "I was sent to the garage in the evenings, it was dark and cold and there was no lights" "my room had damp and black mould and my mother would take me to the doctor every winter with a mystery illness and when I told the doctor about the mould she got angry at my mum but my mum got angrier at me" "my joints would be dislocated and I wouldn't be taken to a doctir, my father would put them back" "anything I liked, from my cat to ballet class would be stopped if I liked it or was good at it" "my life was like a titerope of not being good at anything (or it'd be taken) but not being naughty because that was worse. Whatever I did was punished in some way good or bad" "my father was violent sometimes" "my mother was also violent but the emotional stuff was worse"

This I call memory thread2. I had no doubt in memory thread 2, at all. I know all that stuff happened. I confronted my parents about it, my mother ran off saying it was all my dad's fault and my dad said sorry. I came to terms with it, minimised contact between them and my children, and tried to carry on as normal.

Occasionally I would have these massive panic attacks if my children were at either of my parents houses and be convinced they were sexually abusing my children. Then I'd tell myself I'm crazy, that didn't make me feel better. All that made me feel better was focusing on my parents having new partners and having faith that the new partners were not peadophiles. I would occasionally have the sort of things you're having where a part would think, show images, of sexual abuse by my parents but I always put it down as my mind making it up.

Five months ago my daughter was late back from football with my dad. I started to panic, dark, alone in a car with my father - my mind raced and I was seriously concerned for my daughter especially when I couldn't contact her or my father and they were not with his wife because she did answer her phone. It was awful. A month later a part called the police and reported SA by my parents, I had another breakdown and after this breakdown trauma memories became accessible, Paul let abuses fragments into the body who were still living those traumas and it was horrible, really really awful, some has pain of being burnt - all sorts of horrible stuff.

I call this memory thread 3. I as an alter am at the end of memory thread 3. I was raped by my father at age 19 so all of these fragments to me are the truth. Some stuff I knew, some stuff was in the overlords memory and the bits fit. None of it is shocking to me, I'm not surprised, other parts had no idea and really did think still that memory thread one was reality but there is nothing to back that memory thread up with. No hugs, no warm moments, no time of feeling safe. Memory thread 1 doesn't contain memories it contains the concept "I had a basically good ok childhood" memories in that thread are memories to do with playing outside with other children, teachers who were nice to us, childhood friends and none of the actual memories in that memory thread involve my parents or even my extended family.

So I would focus on finding memories you connect with or even start off with things that weren't there... was their affection, what was your living conditions, did you receive basic medical care, what was it like as a kid? General stuff like that. There's no way my mind or my other parts would of lept from memory thread 1 to memory thread 3. They're having massive problems with it now and they've had over ten years to get used to knowing childhood was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive, that the parents will still do controlling and abusive things now - they accept all that, they like to drift back to memory thread 1 still for a few moments but they know in reality that memory thread 2 is the reality of our childhood. Slipping back to thread 1 leaves them vulnerable and the parents will creep back into my life if a part who is more attached to memory thread 1 is around for an extended period, that's when a crisus happens, they creep back in and then they start to do their controlling behaviour or start to try to manipulate my children and then it gets too much and I end up in hospital. Memory thread 1 is actually incredibly dangerous - like I said it's got thinner and thinner and everybody knows it was the smoke screen our life was under not the reality but I suppose it's a comfort thing to keep that idea in some form that childhood was ok and normal, it wasn't. Personally I'm comfortable with memory thread 2 and 3 because I know memory thread 3, it makes sense to me, it's reality. That daily life was also how memory thread 2 is doesn't surprise me either. When I took drugs I did it to block stuff out, when I ran away it was to get away from parents..etc.

Start at the beginning, the more basic less extreme questions like was your mum kind, that's my main point.

Thanks,

No-one

Rive wrote:I understood what you meant.

Sarandipity wrote:I know that was long and has triggering parts so I dunno who else read it but does this come across like I'm saying "you can't really ever know what happened to you"

Sarandipity wrote:Because Lkinny or whatever his name is just unboxed me saying he agrees we can never really know what happened.

Sarandipity wrote:Now I'm fuiming angry but I wanted to check if anyone who read it can let me know if it comes across like that because that is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to say.

Sarandipity wrote:I was trying to say basically: you break the facade the abusers gave the rest of the world "everything is ok" by first looking at what you (as a part and if you're a main front it might not be very much) already know.

Sarandipity wrote:All the stuff they didn't know was worse. That was my point. I feel like I'm being trolled by this guy but maybe I did write it in an unclear way so I'm double checking.