Memory in a Dream, sorta???

So we had an odd thingy last night. A dream that was basically something Zor has always remembered that literally happened outside, with his brother... the dream was more or less that event as it happened, even the upsetting end, but then had a diff part, something not like literally that happened and felt more like... me... ???

So like as kids they'd play superheroes and stuff... and one day it was just Zor and A (little brother by 16 months) playing and Zor was the character "Psylocke" from X-Men. And suddenly his brother goes from being another superhero to being a villain and attacks... and pins us.
Hands on our wrists near our head... so up and above us... knees on our legs just above the knee... so he's over top of us pinned us totally.. and despite being a little younger A was always more assertive, more aggressive, and stronger physically... just how he is and is built I guess... and SUPER BAD TEMPER too.

So this is AFTER the girl-monster... we're like 12/13 I think so not long after and not long before we'd have his Daddy gone and Mom hurting herself for that awful year before we'd go to Alaska...

**Possible TRIGGER WARNING- language & sexual**
Anyhow while over us, he mocks "her" (the character) playing in-character still... "girls aren't really fighters, and you're not dressed for war in that skimpy thing" (typical 90's comics, she basically wears a swimsuit). And it's like whatever a few moments of us trying to get up and "I'm stronger than you" crap... then A turns from "her" to Zor in his comments... stuff like "You should be my sister since I'm stronger even with you older. Girls are weak like this!" and mocks us picking girls to play in the game.

Then he gets this like weird look and looks down away from our face, and LEAPS off us pressing his weight into his knees (and thus into our thighs VERY painfully)... and gets like confused and FURIOUS! "What are you!? Some sorta #######1?!" And he storms off...

Then we realize WHY- um, a "physical" reaction, "down there".

And this is where the dream goes from just showing what DID happen to having something else...

Cuz when we look to see... to figure out what... we see bare chest, cleavage... modest breast-size... and purple spandex, a swimsuit... and the chest feels tingly, tight, and shows signs of "arousal"... trying to not be graphic...
So we sit up, and see just barely over the knee socks, bare thighs, all the way to the swimsuit... and see the groin, a girl body like the chest... and KNOW the feelings there... falling back we lay there, a hand on the chest fingers spread covering (failing to) the cleavage the swimsuit shows, and one over the groin the same way... in REAL LIFE, that's how he laid there after A stormed off... in both cases, real and in the dream A storms out as we cry and softly mutter "No... I'm not!" and "I'm sorry!"

So like when we sit up, feeling the swimsuit on the shoulders, squeezing the chest, the strap in teh back, the wrapping "hug" of it on the body and low on the mid back (most back exposed) and the sliding in and squeezing the butt, and the tight pull on the groin... He wrote he FELT all that... and it was odd to feel girls clothes, a swimsuit especially... and the bare thighs feeling so exposed, so naked... but not the swimsuit cuz it "covered"... and he wrote it confused him cuz he FELT it, and didn't hate it, it felt covering, comforting, GOOD even...

**END TW***

So like, kinda confused... cuz I THINK some of this may have been me then, maybe? And we BOTH had the dream last night, him outside and me inside... and the memory was EXACTLY what he remembered, until he looked down and saw girlish chest and then a girl's body and FELT IT WAS HIM, "the body was female, but normal..." he wrote.


Soooooo confusing this kinda mixing stuff. Can someone maybe please help us figure this out.

{\Pixie/}

PS- He DID know I was gonna post this first, so it's not without agreement/permission to expose this and the memory.

I don't know. I don't remember my dreams lately and that's usually not good because I tend to remember them.

I'm basically replying to bump the post incase others missed it that may be able to help. I was looking for another thread and noticed nobody had replied to this.

Pixie, thank you for sharing and Sarandipity for bumping. I'm guessing about what's happening based on things I've seen in my system.

The conscious mind is the tip of the iceberg. You don't know what's happening in the unconscious, but whoever is in there could be asleep, dormant, “dead,” ...or they could be awake, doing their own thing or watching and even participating when the conscious mind isn't even aware of them. Someone could be present and acting in the world and not even be aware of their own existence when they're fronting. They are acting unconsciously because for whatever reason they are not interfacing with the brain's capacity to say “I am” in a meaningful way.

I think it has to do with the idea that alters' abilities can change depending on whether they are fronting or inside. For example, non-host parts might lose their memories when they're fronting in order to protect the conscious mind from being “contaminated” with things that could damage the system. Similarly, if you want to play superheros and Zor can't handle knowing about you, then you go ahead and play in stealth mode, unconsciously. I imagine the incident from your childhood deepened the dissociative barriers between you and Zor.

I suspect that Pixie is on to something with the idea of the reaction being part of her involvement, either directly or being "close" during the game.

I already know many times we were playing "make believe" games (superheroes or otherwise), either alone or with friends, that she, Kitten, Katya, etc would be out- Katya mostly when it was just other girls around and it was "fitting in" better (which was much of the time as the neighborhood street we lived on had my brother and I, and maybe 2-3 other boys... and about a dozen or so girls, and they were more often out and available to play with than the other few boys).

So, while I remember that incident and vaguely the disgust of my brother- rather, I vaguely remember just before it- his words and the reaction were NEVER unclear to me. I think it's very possible that Pixie had been out for some during that game/play... and the reaction could have certainly been due to that...

And I do think that this shock, shame, and general confusion likely DID contribute to she (and all of them) hiding more... b/c the clothing thing, the girlish interests thing, CERTAINLY got a LOT more hidden (even from me) over the next several years... didn't really start opening up a little more to that degree again until my early 20's (so 7-8 years later... meaning about 5-6 of it MORE hidden, then slowly coming more "out" and like it was as a kid when this incident happened).

It is a weird moment, this incident, and the entire sort of there, but not... but effecting things stuff... very confusing... But seeing THIS end of it, the seeing myself as a girl and Pixie remembering THIS moment of this incident, too... kind of helps clarify some things (or at least potentially) for us, too.

Zor, I have compared my experiences to others' and found that my system is generally less severely dissociated than a DID system. But in the snapshot from your childhood as it was reinterpreted in the dream, it seems like you're experiencing the alternate selves kind of like how I experience them, though mine rarely have physical forms. There's always multiple aspects hanging around near the front. I like how you put it:

Zor wrote: the entire sort of there, but not... but effecting things stuff... very confusing...