Assaulted by bf

Was assaulted by bf. He threw a metal spoon at me. There's a lump on my head. I called police they arrested him.

I need to get this message across to all parts of the system. And I guess the twins and the overlord too (who also being as he is sometimes Mr Brightside and looks on the Brightside of everything it's important).

Any tips?

It has previously taken me years to fully realise when I need to end a relationship. A part will not know what's happened and takes them back or incidents are completely blocked (this incident isn't blocked because I called the police). It could still be, I think Mandy is the biggest risk factor here, that other parts are unaware or will see it as "not so bad" I see it as bad enough, called the police and want nothing to do with him.

I need to communicate it to all other parts. I'm going to what Beccabee did with her ex and change his phone contact name to "threw a spoon at me" but I know from having done this with previous exs it's not enough. It's not just the remembering of the incident that is a problem, it's that other parts won't see it as serious.

I see it as serious because it could escalate in future. So the relationship needs to be over now. I need strategies to communicate this to other parts and how to make other parts realise that despite any feelings or feeling that this perhaps isn't "that bad" it's inappropriate to talk to him let alone continue the relationship in any form.

I do not want to be sitting in my kitchen next week and have him inexplicably standing Infront of me which is what happened with a previous ex. It took a year to fully end that relationship after I'd decided it was over because I kept finding myself back with him which was obviously very frustrating and a year of alot of confrontation because I didn't know what he was doing there and I'd throw him out. I tried to explain to him once that I have alters but he didn't understand or didn't care or thought I was lieing - I don't know which but telling him didn't help. I had to get an injunction and exorcise it so he was frightened to come near me due to fear of arrest.

I don't want this to drag out that long. If anyone has any strategies to communicate to parts or external strategies I could implement around me to stop myself from dragging this out I'd appreciate it.

I intend to tell the mental health support group but who knows if I will? I can't guarantee I'll be the alter who attends. "I" was on the phone to my ex mother in law for over an hour and didn't mention what happened. I just chatted about work and the kids, I think, I don't think it was me who phoned her. It was a part who "carries on as normal" in upsetting situations (of which I have many parts like that).

It's going to be hard because the recent bf was supportive and knew about my alters, knew them by name and they all had different relationships with him so it's going to be hard and an adjustment for everyone.

I know Obsidian was worried how I'd get on with him. Everything goes over her head but if someone says something to me I don't like I say whatever I like back. She's more "let's get along" I'm more "I'm not taking any $#%^"


The bf said "you still fancy your ex" because I text him about the children. I thought what a load of $#%^ and said something antagonistic because he was being a bully by being ridiculous. He thought I shouldn't text him because we were about to eat breakfast but I knew if I didn't do it right then it'd go out of my head and I wouldn't do it, it was important so I sent the text. He started up saying it's because I fancy him and I said "no. If I was gonna go back with any ex it'd be T because he's good in bed" which I wouldn't want T back because he's always in trouble but I said it because I will not be bullied and told who I can and ant text or when. He can f off and I made him f off after he then threw the spoon at me so hard I have lumps. I think Obsidian would of said nothing and ignored him but to me he was being a bully verbally, I won't take that. And when he took it to the next level by being violent he was out the door.

I need to keep it that way.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions, Lapis Lazuli

Hi,

Sometimes we draw pictures so the Littles can understand our decisions. Like a comic book you know? Frames with pictures to show what happened and what's going on now and what's going to happen next. It really helps them understand and remember stuff. And they can go back and check it if they forget.

Iain

That is a good idea. Thanks Iain.

Sarandipity wrote:And when he took it to the next level by being violent he was out the door.

Sorry you had that experience. But yeah, good call. Once someone turns physically abusive, it's not likely to change. They NEED that power game ended, that cycle broken, or it will not change- except to get worse. So yeah, you did the right thing calling the cops and like totally should get away from him. That is a dangerous step towards potentially MUCH worse.

{\Pixie/}

Zor wrote:

Sarandipity wrote:And when he took it to the next level by being violent he was out the door.

Sorry you had that experience. But yeah, good call. Once someone turns physically abusive, it's not likely to change. They NEED that power game ended, that cycle broken, or it will not change- except to get worse. So yeah, you did the right thing calling the cops and like totally should get away from him. That is a dangerous step towards potentially MUCH worse.

{\Pixie/}

Thanks pixie.

Yesterday was internally quiet. This morning as I woke up and floor boards creaked and I thought if it was him coming up the stairs I jumped a bit and someone said "why do I feel frightened" so I explained to them why I felt frightened.

Then someone else came forward, they were half the side of the body and were a bird. Which I've never noticed a bird before. A brown bird with a very narrow thin beak. The bird said "we have to have him back" I explained to the bird that we do not have to have him back and we aren't and why. I've never had a bird, it was brown. I'd think it was weird and I was making it up but if I was going to make up a bird alter it'd be multi coloured. The only reason I can think that I'd have a bird alter is that when I was small I didn't understand sayings properly and some of my family members would use the saying "a little birdy told me" so some part of me must of wanted to be that bird, or something. Also I bought a little bird statue as a kid on a school trip once and I bought a cage and I put it in it - I used to stare at it and think "that's me. I'm like that bird trapped in a cage" My mother liked birds so also maybe as a child I thought if I was a bird she'd be nicer to me. So now I'm typing and thinking about it having a bird alter makes sense. It's like "mouse" in reverse. I have a part called "mouse" I don't know alot about her other than what Mandy drew but my mother is terrified of mice so having "mouse" was an attempt to frighten her away. Bird is an attempt to be liked. It's really sad when I think about it all like that. How desperate I must of been to be safe and liked that I would convince myself I'm other animals. Obviously it wouldn't work, which I as an adult know but when I was a little girl I would of believed it might which is really sad.

He lied and pleaded not guilty. He said was a plastic spoon. He said we're lieing and hurt our self because we're "crazy" So angry with him. Only a selfish person who doesn't care about us at all would lie like this. He didn't care about us at all. Same as everyone else. If he cared he would of said the truth and been sorry. But he's not. I hate him. Now we gotta go to courts coz he's a liar. I hope someone throws a spoon at him so hard it leaves big lumps. Mandy.

I'm trying to process this. It's not easy. I can process basic violence=stay away. That's ok and that's the main thing.

But emotionally processing it is completely blocked.

He was a massive part of my life for about 3 years. So there's that loss. The next loss is so much bigger. He accepted the DID. I could be honest with him about it. Because of how he was alters that previously only came through when very much in crisis came through when I wasn't in complete crisis, when I had some awareness. The non-verbal alters, the ones in pain, the one who shortened all the words. That's not happened before and I could literally right those crisis off as "I was completely mad then" but now I realise they are parts.

So that's a massive loss. Those parts won't come out if I'm on my own because they won't feel safe too. There won't be anybody there to greet them or catch them or keep me calm if I'm aware and feel trapped inside my own mind.

It's a massive loss. I logically know this but emotionally it's not touching me at all - at all. I went to a support group today because I thought I might need it, maybe it'll help but nothing came out emotionally. I am so much in "I have experienced DV mode" that all of me has skipped right past being upset to "I know exactly what happened, I'm not putting up with it, I'm moving on" Like someone snapped their fingers and any emotional reaction, any feelings I had are just gone.

But I know they're there. When I left my first bf it was 10 years later the emotional pain came. I had a child with someone else by then. But that's when I grieved, 10 years later after I'd lived another life. That's not "healthy"

Some parts of me still ask where my first bf is which saddens me a bit because clearly those tiny parts (and they're tiny voiced) have no clue wth is going on. I don't think about them but when they ask I try to tell them.

I'm cut off emotionally at the moment.

I just can't believe this ######6 @@@@@@@. He's not sorry to injure us at all. His first reaction: I didn't do that. You must have done it to your self. His second reaction: I would never do that to you. His third: it was an accident.

I never saw the lump till just now because I looked at photos. He threw that spoon really ######6 hard. I know he was 3ft away and know there's no way he was trying to throw it "over" or "past" because the angles don't make sense.

Even if he was throwing it not to hit us it's still an intimidating act. Shouting, throwing stuff. He did it all the time. He stepped up a gear and thought he'd get away with it. Seems obvious to me.

I had him on the phone and I let others listen. I explained he's making excuses. I explained when he was lieing. I explained when he was making a covert threat "I can make this horrible and drag out or I can go away quietly" and "you're lucky it was just a spoon and it could of been worse"

I said "so now you're threatening me on the phone. Nice"

He tried to back track and turn it into some nonsense but that doesn't wash with me. The others were reacting ok. Someone thought - my guess is Beth - "we could have mediation and maybe he didn't mean it" and she's the ######6 one he was most horrible too, she didn't want him here, but obviously she's lonely now or something so it's ######6 stupid.

That's why I wanted them to hear the call and to hear what was said. I had to do it to point out to all of them "this guy is dangerous and only wants to head ###$ you"

At one point he said "I wasn't anyry. I was only annoyed" to which I said "well then I wouldn't want to see you angry then would I" He then confirmed he can be much more agressive and somebody showed me a time when he was in their face threatening them so I reminded him he has done that to "me"

So if he is shouting, accusing of cheating, assaulting us when he's "just annoyed" then he has serious ######6 problems.

I told him "you got problems" he doesn't think he has.

All he was interested to do was to blame us, say we're "worse than him" - where's his injuries then? How comes we can't get a word in when in appointments because he talks over us? How comes it's ok for him to shout and scream but when I got a bit loud on the phone that's not ok. It's ok for him to scream in our faces though, frighten Beth when she's already having a panic attack, belittle and bully Rose and make her feel like a terrible person - that's all ok. He never said $#%^ to me when I was around. We had words twice 1. When he tried to tell me (Karen actually but I took over) I couldn't chat to some guy parking the car 2. When he bullied Beth because she was outside panicking and we needed to but a printer so I had to deal with him.

The rest of the time I was there he was quiet. Don't get in my face and I won't get in yours. But what I notice about this guy is that he has a sixth sense for who he can and can't bully - even when it's different people in one body. He might not realise exactly who he's talking to all the time but he picks up on victims. He wasn't horrible to No-one, she doesn't take $#%^, but she never had a problem with him. He made Pat feel crappy at a medical appointment because he did the medical appointment (it's easier, he feels no connection to the body) so he's avoided him since then, he feels intimidated by him but he doesn't want to face up to that because Pat only has one way, same as I do and Pat's a really down for months because of work so he ain't got it in him to deal with him. The twins just think he's a joker, this ex bf. He upset Mandy once, but just with words and she doesn't do anything except colour in and watch TV so there's literally no reason ever to upset her but he still did. Said she's stupid, we had to deal with her because that's all we need, her upset. But he had a sixth sense, that's my point. He picked on weaker parts. He chose to pick on less weak parts like Pat when they're vulnerable. That is a low life. Mostly he bullied Beth, Rose and Karen. He didn't meet Lilly. Noway would I let my sister near a moungrel like that. I had no say over Mandy. The twins have more say over her although Mandy is strong now, she can push anyone out whenever she wants. Which mostly she doesn't but she can. She heard me, I don't think she realised till I said it. Paul

Yea, no, the bf is not good. He said I'm stupid and he just wanted to baby me to get what he wanted. The twins explained it to me. I don't care about him. I'm going to play dollies. Bye.

I sign your name then shall I. That was Mandy the above paragraph.

So yeah what a dick. I pointed out the only person he is lieing to is himself. He thinks he's not a bully who only picks on weak people - that means he will continue as he is, he will bully the next woman unfortunate enough to come into contact with him and they will run away from him. Not my problem.

Paul.

Hey!

First of all, I want to say that, even though we don't know each other, I am very proud of you. You did the right thing. It might not feel like it all the time, it might even hurt sometimes, but please, never doubt that you did the right thing. This person has no room in your life.

Regarding "how do I tell the others" - do all of you have something that you use as a central communication hub, a pin board or a notebook maybe, where you can leave a message that everyone reads? Or maybe leaving a message where whoever is out is bound to see it - preferably a place where they are bound to look at some point while doing whatever they are doing like on the front door or next to your cell phone? I am not sure what to do to make your littles, if you have some, understand, but I think Iain had a great idea in using pictures they can understand more easily.

I really hope you are doing well and that you can seperate yourself from that unhealthy influence.

Caomhán