BFs mother is manipulative.

hello people of the internet,

Since my last post a lot of sh*t has happened. Therefore I am doing a lot worse, feeling very depressed and like nothing can ever get better again.

I have met 3 other alters in total, they are all littles. 2 are trauma-free and very happy, the other one (lucy) is very scared, lonely, depressed and holds trauma.

*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING SELFHARM/SUICIDE*
Okay I need to go back a little to understand what's currently going on.
From the 6-11 of July I went to Paris for Vacation with my Boyfriend and his little Sister. Originally I had planned to go only with my BF, as his sister was supposed to already be in Paris in a French Language School (that is mandatory from her school), we were just gonna visit her and have dinner every night together. However his little sister had overdosed while in the school and had to come home on the 4th.
*TRIGGER WARNING OVER*
Since she was in the middle of a mental breakdown, I assumed they either would put her in intensive outcare treatment or put her inpatient so she can get better. But my BFs parents instead decided that she will go on the holiday with me and my BF. They called my BF on the 5th and said that she will be coming with us and that she will stay in the same room. They didn't ask if it was okay, they didn't ask if we could handle a Teen in the middle of a mental breakdown, they just bought the train tickets, called the hotel to book a different room under my name and said that she will come with us. The 6th rolls around and I am very excited to see a City I've never seen before, I was feeling anxious as I had JUST learned about my other parts but I was dedicated to give them and myself a good time. The three of us got along well and I felt okay (I had one panic attack because some street vendors grabbed me and wouldn't let me or my friends go). Since his little sister has spent some days in school in paris, she made some friends there and went out with them (without us) a few times, which we enjoyed. On the last day of our vacation, we woke up and my BFs sister was in a terrible mood. She didn't say a word to us and just glared at us angrily. Me and my BF decided to give her some time to wake up and then ask if we could help/what's wrong. Which is what we did after Breakfast, to which she replied: "you know you guys are just so exhausting!! there is nothing. wrong. with me. I am doing good just leave me alone!" After hearing that we decided to just give her some space and continue with our day as planned (and agreed upon by all three of us). An hour of angry stares and mean comments we decided to ask her again, if we could help, if she'd like to talk, if she'd rather be alone, to which she replied with: "You guys are so exhausting and no offense, but you are the most boring people ever. The only time I've been happy here was when I was alone with my friends, away from you." After that very hurtful comment I decided to ignore her for the rest of the day. In the evening as we were riding home she acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened. I decided to leave it at that for the day, because I was too exhausted to deal with this emotionally taxing task.

So we are all back home, my boyfriend talks to his parents and tells them what happened. They said that she is allowed to say things like that because she is feeling very unwell right now. They said we should just get over it. So I decide to not bring it up with them again and just talk to the little sister myself to tell her how hurt I was by what she said.

THEN last Thursday happens. I am over at my BFs parents house for dinner. Everything goes well until his little sister excuses herself to her room after dinner. Their mom went up with her and they talked for a bit. The mom came down and said that me, her and my BF need to talk.
She then proceeded to yell at me and my BF for 45 minutes because of the anxiety her daughter is feeling. I'll give you guys a few sentences she said so you get the gist.
"You guys are such a powerful couple and that is intimidating to her. She is scared that noone cares for her anymore like on that day in paris"
"She is scared that you guys will exclude her when you do something together, and I think you guys need to apologize for that."
"(BFS name) you need to care more for your sister. I know she can't communicate her needs but you need to learn to know what she needs anyways. I mean you usually know when Julia is upset"
After the "conversation" I had an anxiety attack and couldn't stop crying for a while. I even said to my BF: "i am young, but I think I am still Julia", after a lot of crying and feeling like nobody could ever love me and genuinely believing that those were my feelings I heard Lucy cry: "I want my mommy." After she said that I immediately recognised that Lucy was feeling very triggered and that she was the one crying (as I never want my mother, but lucy does). I started talking to her and telling her that it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to cry and that we did not deserve to be shouted at. This helped us all calm down very quickly.

My Issues with "the conversation":
-The little Sister feeling anxiety and imagining certain scenarios is not my fault. It's nobody's fault, she has anxiety and this anxiety will make her imagine scenarios and be scared that they will become real. But the mother shouting at me, for the anxiety of the daughter is NOT okay. At all.
-My Boyfriend is the first person in my life that I have a healthy relationship with. I am HAPPY! it is a powerful connection. If you can't deal with the brightness of my light, go put on sunglasses. I will not shine any duller because you are blinded.
-You can not expect your 19-year old Son to be a therapist for your daughter. He is not trained in ANY way and it is in no way his responsibility to ensure her wellbeing. Also your daughter can NOT communicate her needs. While I do have empathy (because it was difficult for me too to express my needs, for a long time) it is not my nor my BFs job to read her mind. If she cannot express what she needs, I can not give it to her.

Now the mother has been wanting to talk to me ever since Friday, where I refused to meet them because Lucy was terrified. When I met them on Sunday I was heavily dissociated and terribly anxious, I said maybe 10 words over the span of 6 hours. I want to tell the mother where I disagree and how she can better help her daughter (as I have dealt with mental health and parents for like 14 years now), but I am terrified of that conversation. Does anybody have any idea how to go about this? How can I express myself without being manipulated? How can I let them know that they can not in any way shape or form make me the reason for their daughters anxieties?

On a side note: this mother has been very manipulative from the day I met her. She constantly tells everybody how much she is doing for this family and how grateful everybody needs to be, she asks for compliments on everything and will get VERY upset if you do not notice her new haircut. She tells her Son (my BF) how badly he has to lose weight, that he is ugly and that people would like him better if he was slimmer (BF is heavy but in normal/healthy weight range, Doc says he doesnt have to lose weight). She is passive aggressive and currently also mad at me because I don't visit them that often. Mate. If you are angry at me for not coming over, do you think I will come over more? Like do you think I want to deal with you yelling at me?

PS: I just got rejected from med school. I worked really hard to get in and now I didnt. I feel nothing at all. I was VERY bad when I first opened the letter and then decided that I can't deal with it so I just shoved it away.

-Julia

You are dealing with "flying monkeys". Your BF's sister's problems are not your problem. She is bored by you? Not your problem. She feels intimidated by you? Not your problem.

Where is your BF in this? It sounds like he has crappy boundaries, since he let his mother attach his sister to your vacation. His mother expects him to read his sister's mind? Not possible and also not his job.

Your boundaries need work too. Just because he allowed his mother to roll over him does not mean you must do the same. You also don't have to let her yell at you or criticize you or tell you what to do. You can tell her to stop. You can get up and walk out. You can not answer the phone when she calls. You can block her calls. You can tell your BF not to pass messages from her to you, and not report on you to his mother. You can take her next call and if she does not start with an apology for her behavior to you, you can interrupt her and say "I hoped you were calling to apologize, which is why I took your call. But really this isn't a good time. I have to go. Bye." And hang up.

If your BF does not support you in this, you can break up with him. You can find someone healthier and more suitable to be your partner.

When I was your age I put up with a lot of behavior by others that I should not have tolerated. I didn't know any better. But now I am much older and I have learned. Here is a bit of conversation from my life now:

MIL to me: [Uninformed opinions about suicide, something I know too much about.]

Me to MIL: I am sorry, but I cannot take any more of this. I am going to my room. [I get up and leave before I get upset.]

MIL to SO: What?! Was it something I said?

SO to MIL: You'll have to ask her.

SO knows about Karpman's Drama Triangle and does not get involved in what is not his problem.

Very sorry about your med school rejection! I know that stings. When can you apply again? Do you have applications in to other med schools?

Thanks for sharing, it sounds like a difficult time...

I agree with the last post, to us it sounds all like boundaries. I'd really look into it as a place to start, and learn as much as possible about it! We had a lot of issues like the ones you describe, until we really started to understand about boundaries.

I'd say its quite hard to unpick as boundaries were being broken and leaned on all over the place! To fight back or try and 'sort out' and boundary break is pretty much impossible... it's best to walk away, brush yourself off, and try again.

On the other hand, boundaries can be learnt, can be demanded, and things really can improve, and quite quickly!

Wishing you all the best of luck


Melden

Hi, Julia.

Situations like this are really tough.

What you wrote resonated with me. My gf's mother is pretty much like that too.

The first thing is your bf starting to learn about healthy boundaries and how to apply them. If you are the only one who sets them, the mother will try to put you in a bad light with your bf.

My gf had a psychologyst who told her that her relationship with her parents weren't healthy and that she was hurt by the expectatives she had of what a parent means (like, that they wouldn't fulfill those expectatives even if those were the normal expectatives you could have of a good parent).

Maybe your BF is dealing with something like that?

You could watch videos about relationships with narcisistic people (your bf's mother seems to have those traits at least). That could help you see what's going on and what strategies are the best. One I could recomend is Dr. Fox.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with things like that, I really hope you two can identify the best course of action.

Also, not getting in also sucks, have you applied to another college? Sending you the best vibes for both situations.

[

Una+ wrote:Your boundaries need work too. Just because he allowed his mother to roll over him does not mean you must do the same. You also don't have to let her yell at you or criticize you or tell you what to do. You can tell her to stop. You can get up and walk out. You can not answer the phone when she calls. You can block her calls. You can tell your BF not to pass messages from her to you, and not report on you to his mother. You can take her next call and if she does not start with an apology for her behavior to you, you can interrupt her and say "I hoped you were calling to apologize, which is why I took your call. But really this isn't a good time. I have to go. Bye." And hang up.

This really helped me thank you. I really need to determine my boundaries and communicate them, I haven't done this since I moved out of their place. Currently my boyfriend is the "messenger" because I do not want to talk to his parents atm. (I don't know what to say or how to say it) I told him that he also has to communicate his boundaries more clearly, but his mother guilttrips him a lot ("i though you loved me and that people that love each other share everything" "it really hurts me to hear what your girlfriend says about me behind my back, can you tell her i'm mad and that it really hurts me, my favourite son?" <- this one's my fav. If you are hurt by what I say about you, why would you want to hear more???)

sleepingwolf wrote:
I'd say its quite hard to unpick as boundaries were being broken and leaned on all over the place! To fight back or try and 'sort out' and boundary break is pretty much impossible... it's best to walk away, brush yourself off, and try again.
Melden

Thank you for your kind reply, Do you have any tips on how to find your boundaries? How do I find out how many text/calls/conversations are too much, which topics are off limit? I have very poor boundaries with everyone except for my family (there the boundary is that they are not allowed to contact me in any way, expcept for 1 text conversation each month). But I am not happy about that boundary either... well maybe I'm just unhappy with my family, but that's just how it is. I can't change that and I think it's okay to be hurt and sad.

H-Black wrote:My gf had a psychologyst who told her that her relationship with her parents weren't healthy and that she was hurt by the expectatives she had of what a parent means (like, that they wouldn't fulfill those expectatives even if those were the normal expectatives you could have of a good parent).

Maybe your BF is dealing with something like that?

You could watch videos about relationships with narcisistic people (your bf's mother seems to have those traits at least). That could help you see what's going on and what strategies are the best. One I could recomend is Dr. Fox.

Also, not getting in also sucks, have you applied to another college? Sending you the best vibes for both situations.

In my situation the problem is more that his parents expect him to be the perfect son and to fit exactely into the box they imagined for him, but he doesn't want to for example play the clarinet anymore. I think we have all dealt with this, but it puts me in a difficult place because I encourage him to be the person he wants to be, to break free off his parents expectations, which makes me the "enemy" of his parents...
Thank you for recommending Dr. Fox, I haven't heard of him. I personally don't think it's narcissism with the mom (my father is a narcissist so I'm (sadly) quite familiar with them) I think she is insecure and to compensate for her insecurity she goes into attack mode. For Example: The mom told me (in absence of my BF) that he is NOT ready to move in with me and that he wont be ready to move in with me for a long time, that she wants him to be with her for some more time. She reinforces that by being mad at my BF for spending (much) time with me, by constantly texting when he's with me etc. But I don't think it comes from a feeling of "he is my son I deserve his time more than his GF because I am superior" but rather a "I am scared my son is gonna stop loving me/ stop caring about me if I am not constantly in his face"

Regarding the Med school: There's a nationwide exam here, if you have a high enough amount of points you get in - if not you don't. I had 93 points and the minimum was 112 (to get accepted) I can not study medicine this year at ANY med school in my country. I will try again next year when I am hopefully in a better place mentally, but I do feel disappointed. I have felt very suicidal immediately after receiving the news, but i had to go to work so I "shoved" the feelings away to feel them after work. Well after work I realized that I dissociated from the emotions and cannot access them anymore? I don't know if this makes any sense. I just felt terrible and then decided to "shove those feeling in the closet" and just feel neutral and continue with my day, because I couldn't deal with them as they were so intense. And then after work when I thought the gates would open up and I would feel sad and cry there was just nothing. No emotions at all. Had anybody else experienced something similar?

Boundaries are about your own behavior. Limits are what you set on other people's behavior. The difference is important because limits need to be kept simple and firm, but boundaries can be as complex and flexible as you need them to be.

Example limit: require your boyfriend not to report what you say to his mother. Example boundary: tell your boyfriend that if he continues to report everything you say to his mother without your permission you will stop saying things to him or even end the relationship. Or: do not comment to him or in his presence about his mother. Or: end the relationship.

Your boyfriend's boundary includes allowing texts from others to interrupt your time together. You can ask him to put the phone away or mute/hide text notifications or, when he starts attending to texts and ignoring you, you can walk away and go do something else. That is, if your boundary is "I won't spend time with someone who spends our limited time together texting someone else." You can verbalize that boundary to the other person, or not; your choice. But the key is to take action to maintain your boundary.

Your boyfriend's mother has stated a limit for him, which is no limit: loving sons should tell their mothers every iota of tittle tattle about their girlfriend. So far your boyfriend maintains a boundary that matches her limit: hold nothing back from mother. But his boundary is incompatible with an appropriate boundary to maintain an intimate and private relationship with a spouse. So, like his mother says, he has some growing up to do.

How does he try to excuse or justify to you his violating your confidences in this very unacceptable manner?

There are many books about this stuff.

Re the grief and depression over not getting into medical school: many people can bury feelings. That's not unique to DID. What often works to access feelings is to talk candidly to a confidant or write or draw in a journal. Better luck on the exam next year. Do you have a plan to raise your score?