TW*Feeling Desperate*TW

I feel desperate right now. I tried to put this on my journey thread, but it said I could not search for it right now, and that's the only way I know to find it because it's been so long since I've posted to it.

I was seeing my therapist twice a week and we were struggling, but maybe making a little progress, but three weeks ago she went out on maternity leave and set us up to see another therapist once a week for while she's out. The first week we saw no one, because she went into labor early, before she had scheduled us with this other therapist. The last two weeks we saw this therapist, felt terribly uncomfortable, curled up in a ball and couldn't speak. This last week we were struggling to even keep the eyes open, except when startled. That afternoon we called the clinic and left a message for KG, who used to be our therapist, before she was promoted to clinical director. I told her that we couldn't see this other therapist, so could we just skip therapy until our T comes back. The next day was July 4, so she called me back on last Friday. She wasn't okay letting me just go without and offered to let me see this therapist less often than weekly, or for me to see her (KG) instead. I agreed to see her, but only every two weeks. That was a great relief.

On the other hand, our eating disorder and self-harm symptoms are getting out of control. Our kids are away at camp for a few more weeks. We were doing okay, because a neighbor's teenager was staying with us to help with some home improvement projects and basically force us to be accountable to someone for our time. Unfortunately, she got herself grounded and had to stay home for the past two days. We went to church this morning, but other than that, we've been binging and purging all the time. Our weight has been creeping up, which is healthy, but way beyond the limits set by Christian, and makes us feel totally out of control and panicky and desperate. Part of tonight's journal entry is:
We purged after dinner and just kept binging and vomiting all night long. I wanted to stop! I was eating foods that no longer tasted good! My hands were putting food in my mouth that I did not want to eat! I don’t know how to stop this! I hate me! How can I live like this? I weighed myself and it’s 101.0! I literally want to slice the flesh off my body. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t want anyone to know I weigh this much! I can’t show my face in this world! Christian can’t stand me! He hates me and wants me to bleed and hurt!
I don't know what to do. We have no therapy set up. KG said she'd call us back to set something up after she checked her schedule. Christian's been cutting us worse each night. I'm afraid he might do damage and I don't want the kids to find out that while they were gone, we had to get stitches because of self-harm. We're so panicked about the weight. We just want to peel it off. We feel so out of control. I just want to go to sleep for a long, long time, and wake up in a smaller body, so the rulemaker would no longer be mad at me, and for Seven to be far away, not making me think of binging all the time. I want to think about nothing and have time cease to exist.
I'm sorry to carry on these negative ramblings so long.

KK

Hi KK,

Before getting into the core of the message, I just wanted to let you know that if you're having trouble searching for a post, sometimes you just need to wait 30-60 seconds and try again. It's just part of how the website is designed, presumably to prevent bots from wreaking havoc.

Seeing a therapist who is making you terribly uncomfortable isn't any help, so I'm glad that you advocated for yourselves to not see them. It definitely sounds like you need T support with what you're dealing with otherwise, so I'm glad seeing KG is an option, even if you've not gotten in yet.

With the ED and SH behaviors, I have a few thoughts on ways you might be able to help yourselves. I hope it isn't too simplistic; we've dealt with disordered eating and self-harm to a degree, but our eating problems are different from yours and our tactics may not be applicable to how you're experiencing this.

You mention not having anyone to be accountable to due to not seeing anyone. I'm not sure what your daily obligations are like, but would it be an option to schedule to be out of the home at times that aren't mealtimes? This could include going to the library, volunteering, attending events (libraries often have free programming, meetup.com lists a lot of activity and interest groups depending on one's area, many bookstores and universities host lectures, summer is a great time for art festivals in my area), signing up for a class, going to the gym, meeting up with a friend, going to a cafe to read a book alone... I find when I'm out of the home it's a lot easier to avoid eating excessively. It's also worth it to check whether there is ED group therapy or support in your area.

Do you know what is triggering your disordered eating? Just slowing down the process to notice what sorts of things elicit the behavior can be really helpful in your effort to redirect yourself to a healthier coping method. Sometimes for us that only ends up delaying our overeating, but delaying the behavior seems like a step in the right direction. Sometimes we have luck replacing overeating with drinking more water or hot tea, to fill up the stomach and still be putting something in the body. We also use chewing gum so the mouth is active. I'm not sure if that's a good idea in the therapy world, honestly, it's just something I try and sometimes it helps.

Could you let Christian know that cutting isn't helping to stop with the disordered eating or with weight management, and that it's time for you to try something proactive instead of punishment? You can point out that his efforts aren't working at all, so you might as well try something like replacing water with tea and making a plan for how to be around other people at your usual binging times, and what alternate activities to engage with if it comes up at a time when you can't be around others.

Why does a larger body mean punishment? Is there any possibility for the rules to be changed to allow for the body to be as it is and be good enough? Your body is acceptable exactly how it is already, just for existing. I appreciate this is easier said than done, but I want to encourage you that feelings about this can be shifted over time, and I know this to be true because I have done it for myself.

I hope you can find something useful in this, and that you are able to feel less out of control and panicky soon.

-Sev3

Hey there,

Hearing you. It sounds like a scary situation.
Is there any way you could reach out to KG?

Some people I know who struggled with purging would paint their nails to delay it, because then you'd have to wait until it's dry.
Maybe you could try to replace the behaviours with something else? I used to have this routine of examining urges like: "What need am I trying to meet?" and then deciding that I'd have to try five other things first, before I could do it. Or wait a certain number of hours/days.
There is an app that could be helpful. It is called "Calm Harm" and helps you "ride the waves" of the urges.
There are usually also helplines that you could call/chat with.

And yes, you could try to talk to Christian and try to explain that while the rules have been helpful in the past, things are different now.

Best of luck, we are thinking of you.

I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm thinking of you. SeveralCrows and fireheart have some good ideas.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have tried a lot of the options you've suggested, just because I've been battling these behaviors for almost 30 years, and I don't want to blow off everything you've said as if it would never work for us. I do try to get myself out of the house and away from opportunities as much as possible. Even today, we left this morning without much of a plan except to be up, moving, and away from home. We did some shopping, set up an appointment for my mother at her doctor's office, and picked up my son's meds from the pharmacy. We were out for about 3 or 4 hours, but we came home and immediately binged.

It's like we have this whole framework in mind of how we're going to do this instead of that, and we're going to stay away from these triggers. We can have it all figured out, and then half an hour later we look around and we're right back to binging and vomiting and even obsessing about the cuts, and all the things that have me so freaked out at the end of the day are sucking me right back.

KG called me back today and we're scheduled to see her on 7/16. While we were maybe making a little progress with our regular T, we had not gotten to a point where internal communication was happening. When we had a session where she was focusing on attempting to negotiate with Christian about the rules that are no longer useful to us in the present, he would jump to the front to yell at her and put me in a place of helplessness. I've known Christian in one sense or another, for years, but all I've been able to do in his presence is submit to his rules, and, failing that, suffer his consequences. He's not the one behind the binging, though. That's Seven, and I am not even to the point of understanding what drives his anger and destructiveness. I have not found any useful way to communicate with him or even understand what drives him. I think all the little behavioral tricks meant to make it more difficult for him to self harm, he actually finds rather amusing. Like he's laughing at me for entertaining the idea that I can block his behavior so easily. When I try to communicate or negotiate with him, he just bowls me over with his overpowering methods of passive influence. I can think I have a strong plan in place, but I find myself doing exactly what he wants. It's confusing to describe, or even think about.
Sev3, I have read through all of your suggestions for things to do, but my plan to keep me busy while the kids are gone involves working upstairs on their bedrooms cleaning, packing up what needs to be moved out of the way, sorting things to get rid of and then painting, replacing curtains, etc., ripping out the carpet and replacing it with a wood laminate and area rugs. We really started out well. My son's room is packed up. We scrubbed off that awful wallpaper border, and it's almost ready to paint, as soon as the guy who's been patching the walls is done. So I need to try to focus on those goals to feel successful these next few weeks. If I schedule all kinds of other activities, I won't be able to meet my goal. Of course I won't meet it if we're binging and vomiting all day, either. We maybe need to set some smaller goals to meet daily to provide motivation. (Oh, and we've checked on the ED therapy or support group idea, and there is nothing anywhere near here.)

Hopefully soon, the teenager who was staying with me, will get un-grounded so she can come back. She was helpful in many ways, but especially in just being there to cheer me on toward meeting goals that we could cross off of our checklist. We actually have gotten a lot done already, we've just gotten sidetracked these last few days. We just need to get up and get moving tomorrow morning and avoid distractions. That sounds easy enough...right?

Fireheart, thank you for the suggestion regarding SH. We need to work on that, and I haven't looked up that app, but I will.

Thanks, Gang, for your support. It means a lot to me.

The good news is that my weights not as high as yesterday, so we don't feel as out of control. The bad news is that we did just waste another afternoon and evening binging and purging. But the better news is that tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to try to get it right... or at least right-er.

KK