Child on Guard Duty *triggers*

**********************************Trigger warning abuse, violence*****************

I was 10 years old when my father got custody from my abusive grandparents. We lived in what I will call V house from about this age to 12 years old. I thought my father was coming to save us from my (maternal) grandfather. It was out of the fire and into the frying pan.

I drew a picture not long ago of me in the 7th grade. I think I was a sad girl. I cried all the time because boys picked on me and called me Jenny Craig. I remember hiding inside this blue navy hoodie with it drawn over my head. This picture reminded me of living in the V house.

My father was prone to outbursts of violence. I was the parentified child. I was pretty much the only person who cared about a clean house. I had to share the master bedroom with my younger sister who is the worst when it comes to messy rooms. I would get agitated that she never helped clean and would get depressed and stop cleaning. My father would step into the room ad see the mess and he would fly off the handle. He ripped clothes from dressers and drawers from dressers. I shut down and watched him like a hawk. I dared him to touch my sister inside my head. When he was done, I would silently pick everything up and put it away. I couldn't console my sister. I had no such capability. But I watched my father to make sure he didn't hit her.

We moved to GA a week before I turned 13. I got my own room. Mine was kept spotless but my sister never learned her lesson. Things got worse when he moved to GA, it seems. He started kicking us and hitting us. My sister swears that the reason her and I have messed up periods is because he kicked us in the stomach one too many times. Sometimes he went on rampages and we would be scared to sleep. I pushed dressers in front of doors and we huddled together in my sister's room. I always kept it in my mind that if he started to break in, I would break the window with a nearby object and jump out. If there was time, I would toss a couple pillows out that we could land on.

One day I cowered behind my father's office chair. My sister and brother cowered behind other pieces of furniture. He was shooting at us with the bb gun and shooting at our cats and birds too. Something inside me snapped. I saw red and I had no fear. I went after him and grabbed the barrel. I pushed him back and we played tug a war. I finally got it from him. I know I yelled at him but I don't remember what I said. I started doing this more often. I would catch my father picking on my siblings or hurting them and I would run at him and slam "all 200 pounds of my big fat ass" (he loved to pick on me about my weight) into him. It would stun him and I would scream for my siblings to run. They did. To the neighbor's house. I would soon follow after once they got a good head start.

I am sick and tired of being a protector. Especially to a couple of brats like my brother and sister who were so awful to me. My sister says that I lied about being molested by my father. When I get mad and go off on her with "the whole story", she accuses me of being on drugs and/or alcohol. "Are you suicidal -------?" I wonder if people are just so used to me being a complacent person who takes other people's bullhooey that they're surprised when I snap and that's why I get accused of being on drugs and/or alcohol. That alone makes my blood boil because I don't want to be seen as someone who gets pushed around. I'm tired of being messed with. It makes me wanna be bad at times. Something like "I'll teach you to think I'm a pushover" or "I wanna make other people suffer for ignoring my younger selves desperate cries for help". I think that society is full of cowards and that is what I see on a daily basis. I occasionally think about how there could be a girl somewhere in the world having similar things done to her as was done to me and someone has seen something odd but thought "nah. I'm just overthinking things." It makes me sick and sad inside.


****************************************************END trigger warning************

I dont really know what to say except I am sorry that you went through that. I can imagine that it is exhausting to be protector all the time. Also about what your father did. I believe you.

Sorry to hear what happened.

Glad to see you are strong enough to share it now.

We don't have much to say, but we wanted you to know we read your story and feel for you.

It would be best for you to not be in contact with these people anymore, they sound very harmful to you.

I actually haven’t spoken to my father in about 3 years and 3 months. Last time I saw him, I was supposed to bring him drugs cause if we didn’t he’d threaten and get mad. I handed him his money on this day and said something like “I’m not doing this anymore.”. As I walked away he said “stupid b$&ch”. I think about that from time to time. I don’t think I’d have accomplished this without my now husband.

Redbutterfly I am sorry about your experiences and hold space for your pain. I know how hard it is to leave even when it is the right thing to do, because it is so ingrained they are our parents. When I say that to my T she says "no they are simply who the egg and sperm came from. You get to choose who your family is now." Somehow that helps us. You were brave to do that and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Glad you have the support of your husband.