I want to date, but how?

I (Ro) put a dating profile online this morning. I want to date and I thought I got the go ahead from the others.

Few problems I've encountered already. I (Ro) don't have a history pre 18 years old. Its hard for me to chat about where I grew up etc. The body has children but I don't. As such, I don't get as much air time as the others who care for the kids, and I can't explain my whereabouts without mentioning the other alters who DO NOT want to date. Argh how I wish I could physically split into singletons.

I kind of want to be honest that I'm part of a system, but how do I explain that?

We have set out guidelines regarding dating. It is not something that Purple Haze is actively seeking, but we have them anyway, just in case. As to when we will tell someone about myself, or our system, is something still to be discussed. It's a case of trust, to tell someone you have DID and what it means, is a big trust issue. I know issue is the wrong word but I hope it makes sense.

That is mine, our take on this situation, I hope it in some way helps.

- Autumn J

Hi Ro,

As far as discussing pre-18 history, I'd be brief and redirect the conversation for now. It's okay to use autobiographical details of the body: "Oh, I grew up in ___. What sorts of movies are you into?" or whatever interest you actually like and want to talk about. You can say your childhood was boring or that you don't want to talk about it if the other person asks more. As far as the body's kids, even though they aren't your kids, I assume you still have some responsibility to them because they don't stop existing just because you are out. I'd be honest about them being in your life and if pressed about them, tell the person you want to leave them out of the conversation until later.

It does matter if the system as a whole would like to stay monogamous to one other-bodied person or if everyone in system is permitted to date a separate person, and what the system's intentions with dating and relationships are in the long-term. If you don't want this to be serious then you're really only obligated to not put the other person in danger, like not disclosing that the body has multiple sexual partners at a time or whatever. Most people assume that a relationship will become monogamous even if you start out casually dating, so it's good to make sure the person knows you won't be if the body won't be.

Regarding the timing of disclosure, that's a matter of personal and system preference. This more than anything I feel is important to have the whole system in agreement on, because some parts might not care while others care a great deal, and it impacts all of you. Our system wouldn't disclose it on the first time meeting a person, but we have been coming out to people in our life and we usually approach from the angle that our personality never integrated when we were young and that that means we experience separate personality states. When that goes well, we throw in a more surreal example of an alter in our system, to make sure they really get what we mean. After that, we talk about it in passing and acknowledge ourselves when different selves are out with that person. In the future we might be completely open and pre-disclose on our profile, but the difficulty with that is that a lot of people don't really understand and think that DID means like what they've seen in the movies, so you have less control of what they think that means.

I hope this helps at all. Good luck! I hope you find someone great

-Sev3

My (our) opinion, and this is what we have decided is best for us...

We're up front about it.

For instance, we met a new friend, with our husband. We met her for dinner, got to the restaurant at 5pm, and instantly we just kind of clicked with her. So, feeling like this person had the potential to be a good friend, we "warned" her upfront. The gist of it went like this:

Me: Okay, so we really like you, and feel like this has the potential to turn into a great friendship. And because of that there is something we need to tell you. I have D.I.D. It's not something we announce to the world and everyone in it, but we do like to give a heads up to new people that seem like they could be good friends or who will be around a lot. Because if you're around me enough, eventually someone who is not "me" will pop out. So if one day I seem like a completely different person, well, it's because I am."

Furthermore, Britney wants to start dating a woman, and we're all finally ok with this decision. So, she put up a personal ad in a personals section of a site we use, and at the end of it she wrote. "Side note, but very important:.... and put a little disclosure about our DID. Nothing specific or explicit, just a warning. Because she feels like this is important information for a potential date to know. She wants to start out on that foot, so that she doesn't get emotionally invested in someone, only to have them bail later when it comes out. So, put it there up front, and then they can't say they didn't know.

Now, I know this may not be the popular opinion, and we are probably in the minority here. But the heads up will make navigating things easier later. When the kids come up, Britney can say "we have children," or "Well, they aren't really mine, but..." If the person asks a question about our childhood, B can say, "I don't really have access to that information, you should ask x if they ever come out." That sort of thing.

Does it feel vulnurable putting it out there like that? Yes, it does. However, we believe that any relationship (friends, spouse, significant other) can't be a truly good relationship without honesty.

And your question of "when and how," is tough to answer because what was right for us, may be too uncomfortable for you and your system may not all agree with it. Or you may see things differently.

I am just at a point in my life where we need REAL friends, and if B wants another relationship, she wants it to be a meaningful one. So, while we don't announce it to everyone, we make an effort where people who have the potential to be important to us are concerned.

Furthermore, your system may not always agree on when to tell someone. For instance, we were all fine with telling our new friend, because we waited until we got a feel for her. However, I'm not really comfortable that B put it out there in her personal ad... but, it was important to her, so the rest of us reluctantly agreed that she could do it.

All that to say.... maybe go on that first date, and then see if you have a spark/connection with the person. And if you do, and the night is going well, then towards the end if y'all decide you want to see this person again, then say, "Yes, I'd like to see you again. There is something I need to tell you about me though, and I want to get it out of the way now."...

Best of luck to you!!!

K

I think online dating requires some extra boundaries. At the outset I wouldn't share any personal history, only current status. Currently single, married, divorced, whatever the case may be. Currently have children living at home, or not; I would not disclose children's ages, sex, names. Currently working or not.

I would also take note of but not trust what an online prospect says about themselves. Many are in fact cheating and lying.

I would not invest a lot of time chatting online or by phone before meeting the person. I would be looking to join local groups and meet people in person.

Una+ wrote:I think online dating requires some extra boundaries. At the outset I wouldn't share any personal history, only current status. Currently single, married, divorced, whatever the case may be. Currently have children living at home, or not; I would not disclose children's ages, sex, names. Currently working or not.

I would also take note of but not trust what an online prospect says about themselves. Many are in fact cheating and lying.

I would not invest a lot of time chatting online or by phone before meeting the person. I would be looking to join local groups and meet people in person.

I agree with the extra boundaries for online stuff. Personal information should be shared in person if you feel comfortable.

K