Questions by Lucas

Hi Y'all I'm Lucas. I don't really belong in here.. like.. I have dissociation disorder. Not DID but maybe states of mind or similar, DP/DR and other things. I know about the .. thing. Names in the signature, I know about that, but it kinda has nothing to do with me. It has something, but it's not like that. I have dissociation disorder and those are my partner and friends and T etc. And then there's this world out here sometimes. It's weird.

Is it still fine if I ask few things? Maybe you know answer or what to do?

So.. about those mindsets. I don't grow up normally. I get older and when things change or something big comes up, I get updated. I know that sounds funny but it's the best word I came up with. I don't feel it there and then, but I see later on when it's happened. Big updates are like new model of me. Like now I'm Lucas 6.3 This sounds a lot stranger than it feels.

Anyway, if I think about anything in past, it doesn't feel me. If it's older than a year ago, it's another Lucas that doesn't exist anymore. It's me but not me.

I'm happy and have all good things happening and coming up, but is it all pointless cause it's gonna be someone else's memories after a year? Is this something that's going to change? Can I do something about it?

I don't like seeing my old photos or more than year old videos of me, cause it's not me, it's That Boy. I know That Boy, better than he knows himself, and I don't wanna look at him. He thinks he's fine, but I know he's not. I know what was just done to him or what's gonna be done soon and he's just so clueless it's triggering. Why can't he learn anything? I know it's me because it can't be anyone else, but it's not same me. It's always That Boy, That clueless f*n Boy smiling, singing and dancing. So I know if I think I'm happy now, in a year I can't watch my now self or I'll feel the same because it always happens, no matter how happy I really was. So I'm always That Boy anyway, and I've never been him. I don't know why he's always there when time goes by. Why it feels like that because I have been and am happy? I wanna get rid of That Boy.

Is it normal? Newer memories are different. I was on tour with a dance group for 8 months. Usually I remember it was fun, best thing ever. I had chance to work with best people and girls were screaming and fainting for us and all that. So it was so much fun and a great opportunity and our group was amazing. But sometimes I remember it all like the opposite. We were trapped in the tour bus and sometimes taken out to entertain girls, to dance for them and smile and kiss in meet and greets and then put in the bus again. I felt used and dirty, claustrophobic and when I got out, girls were screaming too loud, and I had to smile no matter what. Like I wasn't a person anymore cause they owned me. I don't remember ever thinking anything like that then, but sometimes I feel like I did.

Sorry for sounding so gloomy. I'm not this desperate really. It just hits sometimes, you know? Can I do something about it?

Lucas

Hi Lucas,

I also experience upgrades. There have been many iterations of Sev before me and there will likely be more after me.

I know what you mean about how dismaying it is to look back and see that it was you, but also not at all you, and to be concerned with future dislike of your current iteration. I have been working on having more compassion for my past selves, my current self, and the rest of the selves in my system. I'm doing the best I know how to do now and I had been doing that in the past as well. It's a little shocking to think back, sometimes, because I somewhat remember being confident and self-assured, but there are so many things that I was doing that weren't great.

Sometimes it helps me to remember that everyone does things that aren't okay. A lot of famous people are terrible to the people close to them. Most people drop the ball in some area of their life for an extended period of time. Many muddle through. It's disappointing to consider, but it helps me to be kinder to my past and current selves, at least sometimes.

As for thinking why can't That Boy learn anything, he did. That learning contributed to you updating to a newer model. You know the things that That Boy did not, or at least some of them, right?

None of us know everything as soon as we exist. We have to make mistakes to learn. Sometimes we can learn without making mistakes, but we learn better when we do.

You ask if it's normal and I don't know if you mean normal for a self within a system or for all people, but I think everyone feels some alienation from their past experiences.

I have definitely had the experience of feeling one way while I'm in a situation and having that perspective and another, contrasting one later. I don't know if it's that I dissociate away from some of the feelings while it is happening or if I dissociate away from the good feelings later, or both. When that happens, I try to hold both feelings at the same time, because they can exist at the same time. Most experiences are not all good or all bad.

I haven't really figured out how to deal with this very much, but I hope it at least helps to know you aren't alone.

-Sev3

SeveralCrows wrote:Hi Lucas,

As for thinking why can't That Boy learn anything, he did. That learning contributed to you updating to a newer model. You know the things that That Boy did not, or at least some of them, right?

Hi Sev3, it's so nice for you to take time to answer me.

With old photos and videos.. I'm in a way my future self when watching those, so I know what'll happen next to the boy in them. But if I, or he, learned anything after it all.. I'm not so sure. Same problems keep coming to me over and over again. And I get updated to continue, that I don't get stuck in there. Part of me still gets stuck, I think. It comes back in flash backs and makes me triggered sometimes. It hasn't helped. I get triggered about wrong things, because it doesn't stop same things happening again. And I've no clue what should I learn to watch instead, to be safe.

They don't happen to all people, so it must be me that's different some how, who does something wrong every time, and I don't know what is it. Being updated or a new model hasn't changed that really.

SeveralCrows wrote:I have definitely had the experience of feeling one way while I'm in a situation and having that perspective and another, contrasting one later. I don't know if it's that I dissociate away from some of the feelings while it is happening or if I dissociate away from the good feelings later, or both. When that happens, I try to hold both feelings at the same time, because they can exist at the same time. Most experiences are not all good or all bad.

I haven't really figured out how to deal with this very much, but I hope it at least helps to know you aren't alone.

-Sev3

Is it cruel to feel better if someone has same problems? I don't wanna be cruel, but it makes me feel better.

I don't know if I can really think both good and bad things being there at the same time, just one of them. It feels the same about the whole thing. It can change if it's not whole things, you know? That there were good moments and bad ones, like there's good and bad in everything and everyone. It's just not like that to me. I'm happy, usually. Sometimes I get triggered but I hate it, I'm so ashamed of it afterwards, ashamed of thinking things I do when it hits. But other than that I'm happy. But when time passes, it changes and starts to be all sad, like I would've been sad the whole time. And I know I wasn't.

My T says I'm avoiding bad feelings too hard, that I need to learn to feel them when it's safe and realize nothing happens because of it, when I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready, if I let it happen I'm on the edge right away.

Overall I'm doing really well, I think that's the most important thing and I wanna keep it like that. It's not like my identity is fragile in general. I just have few errors here and there. Everyone has them, right?

Lucas

Hi Lucas,

Floralie wrote:I get triggered about wrong things, because it doesn't stop same things happening again. And I've no clue what should I learn to watch instead, to be safe.

They don't happen to all people, so it must be me that's different some how, who does something wrong every time, and I don't know what is it. Being updated or a new model hasn't changed that really.

I can relate to this a lot. There are two main things I want to share in response:

1. If it's that other people are treating you in particular ways, you aren't making those choices, they are. Other people are always responsible for how they treat you. Always. If you are in a situation with a person who wants to mistreat you, they are going to find a way to do that. In a way, it's impersonal.

2. There might be danger cues in situations or with people that you're not noticing. I wonder if that might be related to your avoidance of bad feelings even? For me, I want things to be good and happy and if I notice red flags with people I shrug those off, because I just want to have a good experience with a person. I can't control the other person's choices and it's much easier to see their questionable behavior as minor imperfections like everyone has, instead of as possible red flags.

Floralie wrote:Is it cruel to feel better if someone has same problems? I don't wanna be cruel, but it makes me feel better.

It's not cruel. It's connective. When we have similar experiences as others then we know that we're not alone in this and that it's possible to keep surviving having been through it.

Floralie wrote:My T says I'm avoiding bad feelings too hard, that I need to learn to feel them when it's safe and realize nothing happens because of it, when I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready, if I let it happen I'm on the edge right away.

With repetition of visiting bad feelings, they become less overwhelming. In our system, M, who is typically your age, gets to this point of intensity that is too much and she thrashes around and engages in a lot of pained behavior that I won't describe here, but lately she's been able to experience more of the emotions that come after that. It has been really hard. It doesn't feel good at all while it's happening, and she also feels shame after, but her general feeling is improving. It's slow, hard work.

Floralie wrote:I just have few errors here and there. Everyone has them, right?

Definitely, everyone does. The aim is not to become flawless. It sounds like your T is encouraging you to get to a point where feeling feelings doesn't put you on the edge right away, where you can look at a memory or experience a feeling and not be overwhelmed in a bad way. When you can do that, it's easier to move forward with confidence and not to blame yourself when other people treat you wrong.

-Sev3