Advice for an unsafe situation?

Una+ wrote:Does mean you "came to" in the midst of something going on, such as sex?

Sorry for a late reply, but yes, that's exactly what it means. None of us remembered consenting to something like that and he knew how high we had been at the time in any case. Why do you ask?

Could there be a part involved that you don't know about?

What does he remember?

TeddyBear the helper wrote:From what i can see in the description of him and your relation to him, i think he is in love with you and wants your best, so i think its unfair to say that he is a emotionless monster, which the word abuser implies.

Just from the 'generosity' in quotes alone, the fact that he "just wants intimacy" as some sort of service is... anxiety inducing as a victim. has he made any subtle but guilt-trippy comments towards you? someone holding over your head that they essentially have control over the outcome of your life- "you either live here, or you become homeless and unsafe on the streets"- is Not what care, love, or "wanting your best" looks like. Even if a person is not cognitively aware, abuse is abuse. people can still give you trauma and be abusers without evil, direct ill intentions.

I feel like this depends on his reaction to you bringing up your real feelings and worries. Please stay safe. I feel for you and have gone through an experience being taken advantage of and drugged through what I thought was mutual friendship, only I was a teenager and had options for myself to break away safely. Think about what you would want, and even though it seems impractical and impossible, try to take little steps at a time to get there. It's so much easier said than done and society can be grueling in providing help (depending on where you live) but the comments about seeking shelter just in case is good advice imo.

** I rechecked and didn't realize the update, we're glad you guys are okay and that the exchange left a feeling of relief. If you ever feel like things are repeating and that he isn't respecting your boundries, it'd be good to talk about it with someone again.

Floralie wrote:We are happy for you, it turned out to be not as bad as we feared. It seemed like you only had two bad options but Una+ was right and there were other choices too. Have you any plans how to get on your feet again in future, did you find anything?

Cleaning up etc. sounds fair to me. We can't expect someone to take care of us as their guest for longer periods, especially when it's not probably possible for you to pay back later on either. So I think that's a good option. You are paying by helping out as well, that sounds good.

Saying things aloud as you feel them usually helps. I think many of us have too much experience about not being heard, so it doesn't feel like an option to clear things out by talking, like it just doesn't come to mind as an actual option if not pointed out it's something you can do. I hope he understands you better now. And I hope his hug was meant to be supporting and about you two letting go of the rough stuff you talked about, to be friends again, and not meant to cross your boundaries.

Thank you for the replies, everyone. It's really appreciated. We think we've reached a fair agreement with him and no longer feel like we're unsafe. Despite that, we are going to make steps toward no longer being dependent on him. We have an appointment today with someone who can help us find resources. We are trying to be hopeful that this current arrangement is only going to be temporary.

To Una+:
I suppose it's possible that there was some heretofore unknown alter involved, but this happened a while ago and no one new has come forward since. Regardless, we weren't in a state of mind where we could think clearly and he knew that, which is why we view it as him taking advantage of us. In retrospect, calling him an 'abuser' might have been a bit harsh. What does he remember? He remembers not getting an explicit 'no', so he thought it was fine even though we'd never given him any prior indication that it would be. He wasn't malicious about it, it was more that he saw his chance and took it. As I said, he hadn't realized we'd considered it an instance of abuse until we talked to him; it was just sex to him.

He certainly took advantage, and that's not the behavior of a safe person. I am glad you are feeling safer now.