Words From Taylor

No more crying myself to sleep. No more worrying about what is in my room late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep. No more nightmares. No more cutting. No more feeling like I don't belong. No more trust issues. No more constantly wanting someone’s approval. No more misspelling stupid little words. No more sleepless nights. No more failing math. No more being a failure. No more getting hurt by those I trust. No more being lied to. No more being manipulated. No more lies. No more pain. No more guilt like I should have stopped what happened. No more feeling worthless because someone is getting hurt and I can't stop it. No more being silent. No more lying. No more feeling ashamed. No more being mad. No more being afraid that I might hurt someone. I can't stand this anymore. No more of this. Of this not knowing not understanding not being able to control what I feel inside. I want all of this to stop!!!




I feel like I'm right back where I started, I'm ready to fight someone and when I mean fight I mean wear out. I don't understand why I get like this, I don't understand why I get so angry. I don't want to be like this, especially when I'm older. What if I hurt someone I love? What if I push everyone away who cares about me? I'm doing that already, pushing all my friends away and trying to detach myself from everything at school. I'm leaving and I'll never be back so it's not important to keep them as friends. Dumb huh?
I can't control this, it just happens. I find myself becoming more and more closed in, less and less social. I don't want to talk to anyone! I just want to cut! That’s all I want to do right now! Scary huh? Yeah, you're not the one typing this, I could easily ###$ up my body and feel absolutely no remorse afterward. I don't feel any regret about any of the scars I've inflicted. Oh, yeah this isn't going to go anywhere good anytime soon I don't think.
Talking, nah. Too tired don't bother calling cos I'll put up the facade I always do and dodge every single question before making up some lame excuse that I have to go, or my mom is calling me.
I want to do something to work off this energy! There has to be something I can do to make this go away. It's too negative and I haven't felt like this in a few weeks and its scaring me, okay? I'm sacred. Happy now? I'm scared!
I hate them. I hate them with everything I have in me to hate anyone in the world. I know I shouldn't and I know I complain that there is too much hate in the world but this is legit, this makes sense. They took something from me I can't get back! They took that innocence that every child is given as a gift from their parents and from life. They hurt me and left me with nothing, no answers, no solutions nothing. They left me on my own to figure this out, my mom can't even help me! No one can. No one can help me until I let them in and I've let people in but I can't let you in anymore. I can't let you know anymore, I don't even want to know anymore.
Why do people do this? Why do people hurt kids in such a way? I know why but I can't understand why, I just can't wrap my brain around it.
I need a hug. And maybe a rewind button on my life so I can go back to when I was 4, when this all started and make it stop so I'd be okay.



--TAYLOR

(((((((HUGS))))))))) wish i could make the pain go away E.A. i know how you feel. it hurts really bad sometimes. you did everything you knew how to do at 4yrs. old. you were already a stronger and braver person, than the sick twisted creeps that hurt you. they will never be near as good a person as you. their actions condemn them. your anger is justified, for you have witnessed true evil, yet choose to be a caring person. you are a survivior. a miracle. please hang in there! please don't hurt yourself. you've been hurting. you need a hug, love, kindness. we care! be good to yourself, you deserve it! you didn't do anything wrong, you're the good guy! be good to yourself! (((((((HUGS)))))))

benny

*grabs his kittens and squeezes them to near death* this is what keeps me going

I can completely relate to your train of thought, also regarding the cutting, but please don't stop trying to let people in or tell people about what's happening inside you.. it's true you're the only one who can make changes and (decide to) go through things, but completely without support is not a good idea, especially in the state you seem to be in right now. Take care, and if you're too tired of trying to make people understand at times, just look for those who already do or know all about DID, or post here.