I hate Little K *TRIGGER WARNING*

*TRIGGER WARNING - SEXUAL REFERENCE AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR*

Yesterday we read the story that was told on here by an adult male pedophile, before it got edited out and locked. I knew we shouldn't read it, but Little K wanted to hear it and now she keeps retelling it and reliving the fantasies she used to make up when we were little at night in the dark. She relives them and relives them until we feel actual pain in the body, and I'm disgusted by it and so ashamed that a child with such a sick and twisted mind is technically a part of me. I feel sick with shame for all of her thoughts, and I wish I could just cut her loose to no longer be a part of me. I can't even think about her without beating myself up. Seven hates her and her stories and when he fronts he is angry and self destructive and dangerous to the body, as though that will get rid of her. He came out last night because of her and I was scared.

I'm sorry.

Now I'm ashamed that I even posted this! It's like announcing to the world how disgusting I am.

There was a reason why that person wanted to post it. The reason was to trigger or get in contact with parts who can be triggered out with that. Don't play their games, or they'll keep coming back with new names. We have adults to handle people like them, and it doesn't trigger us. You take care your little is safe, and add everyone dangerous as a foe. Read carefully all that is written by someone new, don't let anyone PM you. That's it, it's not hard, it just needs to be done.

There's nothing disgusting about the little one. She had a job to do. She made you survive. Now she is triggered and thinks she is needed again. It's not her fault she thinks that. Adults in the system need to take care of her, not repeat her trauma and then blame her for it. You need to protect her, so she can believe world is not like that to her anymore. That she can do things other children do, she doesn't have to be ready for someone to come and want her.

Parts show you sounds and pictures when there's something they can't handle by themselves, and they ask for help by doing that.

She's a child, carrying the responsibility of traumas that was done to her, alone, and her own system members, the ones she sacrificed herself for, wants her to just go away or hurt her. Don't you feel empathy? She will get better when she is given a chance to do so, lot of unconditional love and proof she will NOT be exposed to wrong things again. As long as that is all she knows, it's not her fault. She is having totally normal response to her trauma. As are you, but the little one can not be the one who is responsible for making the changes.

You are okay and welcome here. It's easy to be hard on one's self, but this community is very accepting.

Little K helped you survive something terrible at one time. Now she doesn’t know another way, but is probably trying to help.

With time, care and love, she can put what happened behind her. Do you have a T? Sunflower’s T has helped Lou (4yo) put most of what happened to her as a memory instead of something she relived. AJ (her protector) has said that she has never seen her so happy, but there was a lot of time and turmoil to get there.

Let her know that you all are safe now and that she is okay. Can you give her an honest compliment about something? Maybe get her a gift or invite her to an activity? It can be really small, but it starts building bonds.

Hang in there. Your not the only one struggling. I have one (in my wife’s system) I’m trying to understand. Another 4 y/o, but this one believes she is dead…

Hi,

You might try everyone listening to 'Dear Little Ones' on Youtube. It's a good story about keeping Littles safe. Our Littles really feel comforted by it.

Iain

I had a very similar response as you did and feel disquisted and ashamed about is to. Im trying not to beat myself up about it and need te learn how to take care of my little to and accept her as she is.
Hope u feel al little bit beter after the response you got from other members.
Im going to check YouTube for dear little one.

I just can't make sense of it. I had a decent family (aside from my sister). I was safe. I was well provided for. I had a good relationship with my parents before the age of twelve. I just don't know how her sick, twisted fantasies can fit into my life. I was always a cry baby and afraid of a lot of stuff, but nobody actually hurt me. I just remember lying in bed at night - safe in bed - and her making up ugly, disgusting fantasies about being hurt by people in ways that good little kids wouldn't think about. But nothing ever happened. We were safe.

I had therapy today and my T wants me to accept her and believe that she is telling about something real, but it's not real. I can't make it real to me! And I can't own a part of me that would make up such vile, nasty stuff. How could I do that? I got so tired and confused that I told her that it's all a lie. I don't have DID. I just made it all up for attention. So she started pointing out signs and symptoms and I was just so tired, I said, "I quit. I want to go to sleep." It was near the end so she let me go (after contracting for safety, etc.). She wanted me to come back again this week, but she's got no openings on Friday, and I don't want to go through this again tomorrow, so she left it that she'll call me if she gets an opening on Friday.

I'm sorry. I probably sound cruel and heartless toward this Little K, but I'm so confused! I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like if I start to believe what everyone else seems to want me to believe then everything else that I've ever believed, or known, or depended on ceases to exist and I'm drowning in nothingness.

KK

GKOKD wrote:I had therapy today and my T wants me to accept her and believe that she is telling about something real, but it's not real. I can't make it real to me! And I can't own a part of me that would make up such vile, nasty stuff.

KK

Is your T pushing you to "own this part"? Because you are separate. She is her own person and you are your own person, and you are both part of the same system. You don't have to feel her feelings or believe the content of what she is saying right now, but I think it's important for you to accept that she exists and that this is how she copes with whatever she has experienced in the past. I don't think you need to "make it real" to you. You just need to accept that it's real for her. It doesn't need to imply anything about you, KK, at this point, I don't think. There is a reason why you and she feel so separate and I think that needs to be honored.

Does your T have supervision or consultation with someone who is an expert at treating DID? I don't remember what you've said about her. This would be a time for her to get some expert advice, I think.

My wife has said very similar things. Acceptance is hard. DID allows you to section that stuff off so you don't have to accept it unless you choose to and then it doesn't have to be all at once.

You may have had great parents, the cause could be somewhere else, or your brain could be tricking you. That has to be a real tough spot to be in. (To give perspective, Sunflower's dissociation formed from a relative who babysat and was compounded by doubt and lack of emotional support from her parents.)

Maybe you can focus on therapy being for Little K. It sounds like her getting to talk to the T helps both of you in the long term.

Do you have real life support people you can ask for help? Friends, family you trust, SO, etc.?

Mandy is pretty messed up. Dark. We accept her as is. We view things that if its not hurting ourselves or others it's ok. If she wants to view men we date as "Daddy" we just let her. We discovered it's a BDSM thing which helped because it gave it a cultural label, yeah it's a subculture but it is out there.

We do keep her safe, as in not talking to pedophiles. We accidently dated a pedophile once, he confessed, we have a way of getting people to tell us their darkest secrets. And she didn't want him around because she felt regardless of him saying he was "rehabilitated" she couldn't risk that he'd hurt children. So she knows boundary lines. We told anyone with children that he knows too - which may or may not have been "wrong" but it felt like the right thing to do for us.

So your little K could have dark and obscure fantasy but it doesn't necessarily mean they are wholly dark and obscure as a character.

Mandy would happily use how she naturally is to lure and expose and get pedophiles to confess to expose them but that would fall under "hurting ourselves" so it's off limits. It happened by accident once which told us Mandys character, boundaries etc

Maybe it's possible little K isn't as terrible as you think? Much luck, the twins