Love and hate in DID

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted here before. I briefly dated someone with DID and I have cPTSD. It was a really hurtful experience because he felt love and hate for me but I kinda got serious about him. He’s almost 40 years old and I think he’s younger alters hate stuff more than they love. Does this mean he will be unable to have a relationship with anyone anytime soon? I just feel really frustrated bc I feel he lied to me about the conflict in him. But maybe he didn’t know? He’s missed out on so much in life like having a steady job, kids, or a partner. I just wonder if this is how tho ha are gonna go for him. I don’t think he has any insight into his condition and I just don’t understand bc he is almost 40 years old!!!!

You can not change other people, no mater how much you'd want to and how much it hurts you can't. You are traumatized yourself also, and the last thing you need in your life is someone you try to rescue any way. If it's true that he has no insight, then there will be no changes soon.

His body might be 40, but the average age of the system members' might not be anywhere near that. He can be mostly child or mostly teen as well. With DID age and gender and many other stuff like that, even your species, what is like body is for most people, is a lot more complex than that for us. It is all about your personality not being integrated into a one united piece, what should have happened in childhood. That is why things like that never became true to many parts of us. They can simply feel they have nothing to do with the body. For an outsider it sounds ridiculous, you are talking out of a mouth of 40 year old man, so you are a 40 year old man. But for us, that is not how it goes. Parts are what they are, and they simply lack outside body, and have to use someone else's. That is how it is in our system.

There are many people in this world who are too damaged to ever get insight. It's really unfair and sad, but that is caused by the same traumatic life that created DID. Dissociation means things can not connect. There is a lot that may not connect. Your own symptoms is one of the things. Also many of us who do know what we have, have denial sometimes. I can forget something, and then I realize that was a symptom. But after a while I forget I had the symptom. I forget I forgot something. I can know this, because I write things down. Otherwise, I'd have no clue of having any kind of memory problems.

That is the way DID hides itself. Maybe he is not lying, maybe he is not aware. But I can not tell it, people with DID can lie too. Or want to be seen as normal, and not tell it all right away.

Someone is removing parts of what I write, again, so I send this before I forget I ever wrote it.

Thanks for responding. It just feels so unfair to me. I don’t want to fix him. I just want to have a life with him but it’s not gonna happen. I’ve tried being friends but it still all hurts. I just will never understand why he just doesn’t want to be happy. And I can’t wait forever for him to get his act together. Now that he’s older and his parents are older, his quality of life will go down and there is nothing to be done. It’s a horrible disease in that it stops you from getting better. I’ve seen him time and time again choose to get worse like his mind is happy to play tricks on him. It’s just so sad. He has these alters that are detained and deluded. They are just cycles of abuse and they get stronger the more someone tries to help him. It is what it is. I hope you get some healing in.

Hi, here is the final question. I feel like I met a lot of alters who sought me out via text or in person. Why? I just feel from the beginning I was triggering him and I think he blames me for all the alters coming out. Is it possible that one person can trigger you so much?

It's impossible to tell what happened inside his mind. I'm just guessing possible answers, telling what comes to my mind for example, giving explanations what can happen, so you can understand how systems can work for example and why. System logic.

Maybe it is possible that you as yourself were a trigger, if there was something about you that reminded him or other parts (who hold the feelings of that trauma) about some trauma that has happened to them before. It can be anything. It can be your voice, choice of words, way to move, your scent, anything really. And being exposed to the trigger made them feel unsafe, and their system started to alarm there is a danger around, because before when there was someone with the same thing X in their life, bad things happened.

Maybe it was not you, but the fact you being there caused him feelings, like falling in love and all that. It can be unbearable to have feelings like that. It makes you vulnerable and exposed, and you can get rejected or abandoned if there is someone you care about in your life. And when someone gets exposed like that, it activates all the defenders who are trying to protect them from being hurt again. They protect the ways they know how to. When they get you out of their life, they feel safe again, they can not be abandoned anymore. Parts have logic like that. Logic that is understandable but at same time doesn't make sense. But that can happen. Last time they had a person who caused them the feeling X bad things happened.

Those were just examples of what can happen. There are many other possible explanations too. But if you understand how a system can react, you may have some kind of explanation why. Maybe you crossed their boundaries. Or maybe someone in their system crossed their own boundaries and protectors and defenders ran to help and fix the situation. And they of course will feel you are responsible. Without you there had not been these dangerous feelings.

There is no way for me to tell what someone I don't know felt based on the short messages which isn't even written by the person whose feeling I try to guess. But I think you know that.

I don't have answers really. And when I say he was maybe scared of something, I don't mean he felt the actual feeling of being scared. These kind of reaction can be, and often are subconscious. One feels love, and it causes others to feel hate. Understanding why it happens, what is the reason behind it, is personal and you need insight to understand your reaction. Maybe he was just aware of love and hate, but not aware of why. We learn to know the real issues behind reactions in therapy.

Maybe you understand better now how systems work. Everyone in the system has a reason to be there. DID is complex defense mechanism, and it runs itself automatically. Host doesn't have to be aware of the deep issues, and mostly they aren't. There can be parts holding trauma memories or feelings and there can be defenders who try to stop it happening again. Their ways and reaction may not make sense in the reality now, but there has been a time in their lives when it did. That is why and how they survived this far.

For me in my system the benefit of the doubt is given until proven otherwise. Collating all evidence, circumstancal, provable evidence, my own feelings and suspected but not proven things are last. I have a very criminal mindset.

So for example my last relationship. Didn't want a relationship. Was dating. Life was really really great and happy. Good friends, moving towards what I wanted career wise, family good.

Met a guy. Rose accidently went on the date under pressure from the guy. Karen usually goes, she dates. But after one convo she'd decided he was more than she could chew, more trouble than he was worth. But Rose doesn't like to let people down, Patrick likes to keep his word. So Karen bailed. Bailing was the sensible thing to have done but unfortunately Rose went on the date.

The guy was a sociopath. Rose got drawn in. The others tried to help. He ruined our friendships (because he's a sociopath and they like to destroy). Family was worried but they're family so it's different. Eventually he hurt Rose, more than once.

Because of DID there's no fear of being alone. Some people would stay because they now have no friends. Some people would get beaten down emotionally and be too weak to end the relationship after a couple of years because they've took too much emotional abuse. Some people would stay in the relationship because the guy sucked money (all because he's a sociopath). But DID for me when Rose got hurt said f this guy, f the money, f no friends, f anything he may or not be capable of.

That's when defence mechanisms kicked in. That's when slowly slowly hooks of the sociopath were removed. Now he's gone it's good. Now he's gone we rebuild what he destroyed, mostly our friendships and deal with the debt he left me with.

But as already said in your case could be as simple as you smelt like someone or sounded like them. I refused to see a doctor because to me she smelt disgusting although to my mother, who was there, the woman smelt fine. So it could literally be anything.

But once defence mechanisms kick in, as also already said, there's very little chance of turning them round. In my case zero chance but for others with DID maybe they can turn off the defence mechanisms. I don't want to even try with mine because as I said at the start all evidence is taken into account before something so drastic as to completely cut off. But on the other hand when a relationship is over then it's over. Hanging around to be friends isn't something I'd want even with an ok person. I thought it might be, tried it once, didn't like it but that's my opinion and everyone has their own way of living their lives.

So if this guy isn't interested then move on. It might be difficult and painful but a person with DID is no different from another person in that if they don't want a relationship then you need to respect that and move on yourself.

Hey, thanks! I broke it off so that we could be friends bc his alters were talking to other girls online and staying out all night, etc. It’s been a horrible experience ever since. The friendship has been more traumatic than the actual 4 months together. I’m not a sociopath. I tried to show him that he was beautiful and that it was ok for his mind to be different. I tried to get him to do other things than womanise, gamble, run with users and abusers all night long - he had money and a lot of drop-kicks know it- and I just feel from the beginning I got kicked in the teeth for being around. The first time I realised how ill he was an alter came out and yelled at me for not putting the dishes away properly in the dishwasher, how we couldn’t co-parent my kids, and how my cooking sucked. It was just abuse and there was no reason for it bc we had had a great weekend together but he had drank too much and didn’t sleep enough. I have cPTSD and I know what abuse is and what it isn’t. The thing that I don’t understand is why he doesn’t have a nice alter. It just seems all of them are either out of control teenagers or users or abusers. If he had DID, he can’t be sociopathic. So what gives? He reminds me of my first boyfriend who finally went missing - he’s homeless and disassociated to the point he’s like a ghost.He was never really nice but he was bright and funny. It’s just such a difficult disease.

Hey, thanks! I broke it off so that we could be friends bc his alters were talking to other girls online and staying out all night, etc. It’s been a horrible experience ever since. The friendship has been more traumatic than the actual 4 months together. I’m not a sociopath. I tried to show him that he was beautiful and that it was ok for his mind to be different. I tried to get him to do other things than womanise, gamble, run with users and abusers all night long - he had money and a lot of drop-kicks know it- and I just feel from the beginning I got kicked in the teeth for being around. The first time I realised how ill he was an alter came out and yelled at me for not putting the dishes away properly in the dishwasher, how we couldn’t co-parent my kids, and how my cooking sucked. It was just abuse and there was no reason for it bc we had had a great weekend together but he had drank too much and didn’t sleep enough. I have cPTSD and I know what abuse is and what it isn’t. The thing that I don’t understand is why he doesn’t have a nice alter. It just seems all of them are either out of control teenagers or users or abusers. If he had DID, he can’t be sociopathic. So what gives? He reminds me of my first boyfriend who finally went missing - he’s homeless and disassociated to the point he’s like a ghost.He was never really nice but he was bright and funny. It’s just such a difficult disease.

DID is not a disease in itself, it is the PTSD which is the disease that needs to be cured.
The rest you see are both responses to a bad childhood and a lack of communication between the very different souls he shares a body with, and a lack of proper guidance from a qualified therapist.

Here is a good documentary, take that hour needed to watch it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0LNyXsErb8
The sucessful police in the middle of the documentary is a good example of why DID isnt a disease in itself.
Here is also an interview with a therapist about DID in some famus people like brithey spears, lady gaga and mel gibson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ry9H9Pe2rk

Well, he sure was right on something, you can not co-parent with a person who is unstable. I really hope you didn't expose your children to his behavior, or anyone's who is that unbalanced. They will end up having trauma too, if you do.

Those others are not "his alters". There is a system, and every individual part living in that system is an alter, including the one you dated with. Your relationship clearly was not a decision they made together, it was one parts decision and others probably felt they have nothing to do with you. That is why they were not responsible to you for the things they did or do. You were dating an alter of a system, which mostly didn't want you there. I'm sorry, but the one you fell in with, is just another alter. We all are alters. Our identity never grew up to be one, we've always been many. That is what DID means.

It is possible to date, live, get married and parent with DID-system. Then it has to be something that is OK for everyone in the system. You can date with one part, be friends with another one and accept the teens and littles as they are. They need to do their choices together. When one alter decides to have a separate life from others, things like your relationship happen.

There are systems that work differently, there can be clearly one who runs the outside life as her/his/their own, and most parts have lives in the inner world. It's way easier to be in relationship with a system like that, but people don't get to choose what kind of system they have. It's not a choice, it happens subconsciously. Or there can be a system, where everyone or many of them want to have their own outside life. Some systems live like that, there can be one part with a girlfriend, and another with a boyfriend, and another living single live. It is hard to manage a life like that, but that is how some systems can live and have piece in system. Of course their SOs need to know that and be OK with it too. Some can co-operate to the point they only have one relationship, and multiple parts are in relationship with that one and same person. There are many different types of systems, and solutions, but the thing is, they all have to agree with what they do. To me it sounds the system you dated with didn't agree to be with you. And as they had abusive traits in the system, that is what's best for you too.

Children are always the number one priority. You have trauma and he has trauma. Usually it comes from generations back. You can decide to be the generation of your family, where the trauma stops, and make sure the next generation, the one you raised, is not traumatized. You defend them, you don't bring messed up people in their life, you don't let anyone to be abusive to the mom of your children. If you have a tendency to fall in love with unstable people, it's probably a trauma you have. I hope you have therapy for that, and if you don't, you need to understand it's trauma, it's not true, and stay away from those people even if you have feelings for them. Your feelings for your children need to be stronger than your feelings for men. I'm happy you were able to see things weren't working out like they should have and ended the relationship.

My dad is severely traumatized. He doesn't know it himself, because he can not remember anything negative, and he can not talk about anything negative. He can only get angry and defensive if anyone tries to talk anything real. He can't see problems, and he can't communicate normally. He can't listen to what people say or have a conversation. There is no way in this world he would be able to face there is something wrong with him and then be able to receive any help from anyone. He only has denial and defense. Behind those walls is all he really is and everything he feels but doesn't know about. Those walls are way too strong to broke. He is one reason why I am like I am, but I do know he didn't do any of it out of bad will. He simply can not understand other people's feelings or have attachment, because he never had that himself. We have one picture of him as a child, and I do feel for that child. It is so sad. There was nothing wrong with him, his parents ruined his life. We don't ever get to know who he would have been, if he could have grown up to be healthy and normal. I don't know anything about his personality. There is only defense mechanisms, there isn't anyone else to be seen. It's so much life and opportunities wasted.

TeddyBear the helper, I do not agree. DID is not the way brain is supposed to be developed. I do have DID but I don't have PTSD and DID is still a problem. The fact you can get rich with it or be a celebrity does not mean it is all OK then. You can be those things and be a psychopath too, and it isn't OK either. I am not comparing DID with psychopathy, I am just giving an example why it is not solid evidence about everything being fine. What you can call outside life success really doesn't take away the feelings of lacking self or the fact you feel someone else lives your life etc. Some systems can be very functional. They can be functional when they are not aware of it and there is actually huge amounts of trauma and parts trapped with it inside. That is a problem. System can also get very functional with co-operation and that is a better proof it is possible for some people to get better. But the difference in those cases is inside, not in what you can achieve professionally.

Celebrity rumors are not my type of genre anyway, so no comments on those claims.