reality check

We recently read about Brené Browns research about shame and vulnerability and feeling connected. she is using this small tool 4 communication in her relationships whenever there is a shame thought in her mind. the tool is to simply complete the sentence:
the story I am telling myself is...

we noticed that what she's doing here is a reality check. she is speaking it out loud to check with her partner in the conversation and to get a response if what she's telling herself is right or wrong.

but it seems that concerning trauma it doesn't even need a partner to answer this. we can do our own reality check and the probably shortest way to do it is to use her method and make ourselves aware there we are currently telling ourselves a story. it is what the brain does when it doesn't have enough information, it fills the gaps in a way that somehow seems to make sense. we experienced this a lot with Age right now, she is constantly reminding me that I am telling myself a story when I start to lose my cool and get a little hysteric. the simple solution is to stop telling myself a story and assess the facts and my lack of facts.

I just wanted to share this with you because it seems to be such a simple and Powerful tool

I don't have much to say, but if there were "like"-button, I would press it.

Can you go into a little more detail about this coping mechanism? It sounds interesting but I don't quite understand, or know if I'm totally getting it. But it seems like something that could be very helpful to me.

Thanks..
K

I am sorry if my spelling sucks, I am working with a voice program because my hands...



scientists who study how thinking works describe two different systems within our brain. they simply call them system 1 and system 2. system one is intuitive and very fast. most of that is happening subconsciously and it seems like most of our trauma responses are originated in system one. system 2 is our rational mind that is able to think more precisely but it is also Slow.

most of our emotional responses come from system one.

we take in information, sorted according to relevance, compar it to our memories and fill the gaps in our knowledge with something we make up. everyone does that. the brain likes a coherent story and if there is a lack of information we somehow fill the blanks in the way that makes sense to us. with a trauma background we often fill the blanks according to a trauma mindset, telling ourselves a trauma story. our emotions are the product of the story we tell ourselves, not response to the actual situation.

that means that we have to check the story we are telling ourselves, eliminate the mistakes out of my mind and stop filling in blanks, and create a new storyline. one where we are aware of the gaps. this is a task that needs system2 to be involved.

our thoughts lead to emotions. changing our thoughts is is one tool for emotional regulation. and we can change our thoughts by changing the story that we tell ourselves about the situation. that way we can use system 2 to correct system one.

here is the thing, we cannot stop system1 from filling in gaps and creating stories, that's what it does. but when we experience a strong emotion we can activate our system 2 and make sure to check the story we are telling ourselves

I hope that helps

Thank you. It does help. I'm definitely going to look into this some more!!!

K

A BIG like from us!

Iain

Wow that is so interesting!

that sounds.. extremely helpful and i have no idea why nothing similar has ever even occurred to me. i know that a large part of day-to-day functioning is off of assumptions and "filling in" that's often totally incorrect, and i know that the incorrect "fill-ins" can hinder communication and cause unnecessary stress/anxiety, but it hadn't ever really set in that there's something that can be done about that.

it sounds like a really effective way both to check oneself- in conversation, a great way to check both your own perception and other parties' perceptions of the same thing, to ensure there's no disconnect- and in introspection it sounds like a good way to identify where the gaps are in what you know and what you're filling them in with. thank you for this post!