Attachment

So, I have been avoiding accepting the phone call with my T on the weeks I don't have therapy but its not going well. I am finding that only seeing her alternative weeks means that my defenses are right up with her and its taking most of the double session i have with her to get them down low enough to do any work.
I found this week that I was so combative with her that i was in danger of leaving the session feeling i had made no contact with her at all and that makes the gap feel even longer. Even whilst I was in the session and she was saying that a phone call next week would be sensible and she could see that i was struggling, i was thinking that I both really wanted to say yes to a phone call but I really didn't want to.

I was totally conflicted between whether to take it or not. I finally agreed to a call next week and whilst I feel relieved about it, i also feel like it is fostering dependancy and I should be able to cope without.

I hate feeling like this.

Jolly jo wrote:Even whilst I was in the session and she was saying that a phone call next week would be sensible and she could see that i was struggling, i was thinking that I both really wanted to say yes to a phone call but I really didn't want to.

I was totally conflicted between whether to take it or not. I finally agreed to a call next week and whilst I feel relieved about it, i also feel like it is fostering dependancy and I should be able to cope without.

I hate feeling like this.

Hi Jolly jo,

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this.

Do you have a journal for different parts to communicate? Because one of the basic things that I had to come to terms with (and still have trouble with) is the co-existence of contradictory feelings and the fact that they are BOTH true.

I've always tried to arrive at how I "really" feel, by picking one and invalidating the others. But it turns out that the key to making progress is to allow and validate the existence of both (or all) of them.

So, part of you can maintain that the phone call isn't good for them, while part of you can know that it's a good thing for them (if not currently for the other part). You can do the phone call and then see (and make note of) everyone's reaction to it.

Have you and your T talked about the difference between attachment and dependency?

Dependency is relying on someone else as a child would on a parent: to expect and need them to be always available to soothe and comfort, and to feel helpless to regulate oneself.

A healthy attachment with a T would be knowing and trusting that you are important to them, that they care about you and don't want you to feel upset or distressed, that they want to help you feel better and to help you succeed at being able to regulate yourself more and more with their guidance and support. A goal is to internalize that sense of them as being present and caring so that you have them inside you as constantly available--because they can't actually be there all the time for you.

If you're constantly fighting with the parts that want to attach instead of dialoguing with them and gradually allowing them to (or really looking at the fears of what will happen if you do), that's going to interfere with your progress.

I don't have great communication going on. I know that IDC is thrilled at the idea of a phone call. I expect the little ones are - although I don't see them much and don't overtly feel them. I am trying to keep the show on the road and feel that dependency will make life too painful. I hear what you say about the difference between attachment and dependency but they both feel the same at the moment - I can't tell the difference.

I have not found attachment to be important or even desirable in therapy. For me, a therapist who encourages attachment is showing a red flag. I need to do my best to know that my T is qualified and this means doing a little research. Then the essential thing I need to develop with the T is a measure of trust (not blind trust). This is trust that develops after I evaluate that the T is responsive to my needs and that the office visits are beneficial.

I had a wonderful T for a number of years that helped me tremendously and I dealt with trauma issues as a child and an adult. We never focused on attachment to the T. For me, this was the absolutely the best route to go.

we struggle to tell the difference too. so we changed words completely to something less threatening.
we think in terms of connection and disconnection. to feel connected we don't need attachment $#%^ that we don't understand anyway. for us it is difficult to not see a person for more than about 10 days and still feel connected. so that is how we know we need appointments that are closer together. would a change in words help?
L with Age

Maybe a person with difficulties maintaining connection could just temporarily put the issue on a back burner. Who knows - maybe as other issues are solved in therapy, the difficulties with connection could just gradually resolve without even being directly addressed. It's funny how when one issue is healed, others are affected

Jolly jo wrote:I don't have great communication going on. I know that IDC is thrilled at the idea of a phone call. I expect the little ones are - although I don't see them much and don't overtly feel them. I am trying to keep the show on the road

It may be worth focusing more on improving communication as a first step. I have found, that despite NoName's wish to the contrary (they are one of my protectors), more communication and attention to the needs of littles and other parts actually HELPS "keep the show on the road."

It can be very hard for you to evaluate what is good for you as a system, or even to make basic decisions that benefit you rather than harm you, without good communication. Resistance to listening to the others can really hold you back.