Contacting my old psych. nurse (T trained)

About ten years ago I went for 3,5 years on a public psych center, having therapy with psych nurse in there. She was actually not just psych nurse, although she worked there as such, but she was and is trained psychodynamic therapist.

Work we did didn't help me at all. Or actually I felt all the time (the old me who went there felt all the time), we didn't work at all. For all that 3,5 years we waited when are we going to start talking about our real problems. When are we going to look at parts and what they hold in them and why are they there. When are we going to talk about my feelings, which weren't in me, but in those parts. We never did.

Once she asked about my parts, who are they, and I gave the basic info. What are their names and ages and what kind of life situation they have in inner world. That was all. But actually that info she wrote to the papers which were given about me when I was hospitalized etc. I didn't like that (old me didn't like that) at all, and I still don't. It could have been enough to tell I have parts, but not tell who they are. I told that to HER, not everyone who has a right to look at my papers. I felt and still feel, that is very private info, and I don't share it with just anyone. I know I have shared it in here too, but it's different to tell people who are living across the world, than to the D and countless hospital staff members you do not trust and who you need to see in person.

There was plenty of fault in me too, when looking at the reason why that didn't help. I didn't share anything. It went wrong from the first appointment. I had planned what I would tell her that first time, what I think are my main issues, and with what I need help. But she clearly had some kind of plan too, how was she going to handle first meetings, things she wanted to say, and I left there without telling the things I had planned. I should have told it the next time I felt I wasn't heard, and she would probably have heard me then, but at that time, I didn't know that is what you need to do in therapy. I felt I wasn't heard on the first appointment, or on the second one. I didn't tell that. In return, I stopped sharing, because she was not gonna listen to me anyway.

She wasn't hearing me, I wasn't sharing, but it was her talking about theories I felt I knew already, but didn't connect them with me at all. I don't really remember a lot what she was actually telling me then. Probably she tried to make me feel. She probably tried to find our feelings thru me, and address them that way, make me integrate that way. It didn't work. She clearly wasn't aware enough about dissociation, and that those emotions were not to be found thru me at all, they were way too separate. And probably she thought it would be harmful and dangerous to actually believe in parts and talk about them, that it would make them grow stronger and make me even less integrated. This is what I think she was thinking.

I do know she was desperately trying to make me feel, but I was like a brick wall. But because I remember very few details, I would want to have all papers she wrote about me then, and look at them now. I have legal right to get them. But I also have been thinking about contacting her, just to tell where I am now, and what went wrong back then from my point of view. I feel like there is something unsolved there.

I'm just thinking is that vice. It was ten years ago, and she is working on the public side. Therapies usually don't last that long in there I think, and she has probably had hundreds of patients after me. I don't even remember how we ended. Was it me, just stopping to go there anymore, or did we actually end it with a plan. Why did we end at that point? Was it just because it didn't lead us anywhere, or was it because of .. I don't know. For any reason.

I would want to see her one time and talk about the old me. I would want to know how she (I) was like. What did T think about her. And tell what is my situation now.

I went there originally to have paper works done to get actual psycho therapy. Even she was T-trained, she was working as a psych nurse, and I wanted to go to therapy that will integrate me, like psychiatrist who run all kinds of tests with me when I was 18 and hospitalized for the first time, then suggested me to do in future. But instead of helping me with get that actual psychotherapy, she talked me to stay on psych center and start working with her.

Did she just think I was an interesting case and wanted to try? If so, I am kind of bitter. I lost ten more years because of that. But on the other hand, if I would have started the therapy back then, it could have been just like it was with her. I wasn't ready to be open and tell what I think, and therapy can't be success, if you're holding back on purpose and avoiding.

I think she didn't get me at all. One thing I do remember, just now remembered, is that she suggested me to go and maybe search for more cognitive type of help. I never did that, I didn't trust her as an authority figure to listen to. Luckily, it would have been even worse. And I don't know why she thought that, when she had also told me she believed I had early attachment issues. I checked out what cognitive therapy means, and it is where you learn out of your negative thoughts and out of your negative self image. But I didn't have negative self image. I tried to tell her I do not have identity, but she claimed me I do. And that was how it was like. When I tried to tell something I actually struggle with, something really important, the thing why I was there for, she claimed it wasn't true, instead of hearing that. She maybe even thought it would help me to hear I do. Well, t really didn't.

I was right anyway.

She wasn't hurtful, I know some of you have way more worse experiences. But because she wasn't, I feel it is something unfinished, and it could be finished. I have been thinking just e-mailing her personally, and calling to the center to get my papers from there. Is it vice to email, or should I just let it go?

I know the feeling.
Five years ago, I went to a psychiatrist because of my mom. She wanted me to see a T because "you need to figure out things". I wasn't really ready to do that, since I've met a psych who did more harm than good, saying to the judge of my parents' divorce he should force me to see my father, I wasn't ready to trust anyone in the mental health field.
But as I never truly said "no" to my mom, she didn't get I wasn't ready to do this and I ended up in that office. It was not awfull, but she left me with the feeling that she thought she knew better than me what I had in my head. I clearly remember describing her what I know now is derealisation, saying it was like that everytime I was out of my house and made it clear it was really uncomfortable and scary for me, she just answered "it's normal". Because of that, I never told her abour Daem and I never went to our last appointment (I forgot about it and remembered it only a week later).

Last year, I've finally convinced the others we should find a psych. We get back to that last T, on one hand because it was part of her job to help people to find a psych (she worked in a social association), and on another hand because I felt I had to finish something with her.
I told her everything. This time I was way more confident, Daem was ready to have my back, we were ready to face her and have a true conversation instead of being quite and submissive.
I want to say it went better than before because we knew what we wanted this time, but at the end, I didn't went to the last appointment again. Daem says he didn't liked her this time because she was uncomfortable with the changes in our attitude. He's sure she could felt she wasn't going to be able to escape with a "it's normal" without an explaination.
Also, she was so focus on the fact we were multiple and surprised that it wasn't that which bother me the most, she totally forgot why we were there + she almost ignored Daem when he felt things were going out of our hands and took the control to talk to her + her first thought, even if she didn't knew anything about DID, was to talk about "becoming one again".

I think because I didn't told her enough things the first time, I felt it was my fault if things didn't worked. I think I needed to be sure she wasn't the good one for us, and now I'm sure I don't feel guilty about anything anymore. But I also think it was a way for the others inside to convince me that a therapy is a bad idea (they didn't succeed).
So my advice for you is to take the time to really think about it. If you really want to send her an email, be prepared to any kind of answer, think about them and how you can handle them. It will make things a little bit easier.