Help/suggestions :( *unfortunately long post*

So, I would just like to start off with something. I am not looking for someone to tell me if I do or don't have DID. I am more or less looking for someone that might have had the same or similar experiences and can validate this rollercoaster I'm on. I'm sorry in advance because I already know this will be long and an eyesore, but I want to be sure this would be worth seeing an actual therapist for, as doing that might cost me dearly. Also, it is long because I write in my free time and I like being detailed

TL;DR before you waste your time if you are one of those people:

Never been diagnosed or tested for DID, have several symptoms but would be asymptomatic by the DSM standards. Several attempts at exploration later, had a potential co-con experience and it doesn't give me any answers at all, now I'm just confused and worried about whether I've been dormant for some reason or if I am just imagining all of this courtesy of wanting to know what happened as a kid. Would love to know if any of this matches up with DID-diagnosed people or if there might be another place I should look, as it could be something like BPD or another OSDD type disorder, or just hypochondria. Help

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First things first, I've never seen a therapist. Ever. For anything. In fact, oddly enough, I was a psych major before I decided to take some time off until I figured out what I wanted in life. I still love the field, and I'm considering going back to college for it. I didn't know to what extent DID existed until recently. I knew of it but never looked into it (I'm not very far into college) as for what the symptoms were and all that. I never cared to look into it for myself as I knew a big part of it was distinct identities different from the host.

I don't have that, why would I have DID? Enter my curiosity. I don't remember if I first saw it online, on YouTube, or where..I noticed at some point though, that DID was associated with memory loss. Something that has bothered me for several years was that I don't remember much if any of my childhood before around 7 or 8, and that is hit and miss until I get around 10 or 11. I have to dig for memories from then, and even those are short bursts of time. I have very randomly-spaced detailed memory, and the rest of the stuff I do remember is usually pretty clear anyway. The fact that I don't remember so much of my life has worried me for years, so when I saw this it was a big flag for me. But again, no dissociation into different parts of "me", no voices in my head, I must not have it, right?

I'm bored, nothing else better to do on my time off, this is interesting and could come in handy if I go back to school. Let's dig deeper! So I start watching and reading more into DID and its symptoms, and a random thought comes up after learning more about all this... if I have this, that would explain my older brother being in my dream as a kid.

**Skip if you aren't interested in the fluff and backstory**

I had a dream about someone I'd never met when I was rather young, maybe 8 or so. I associated him rather closely to me, and I later learned of a miscarriage that happened about a year before I was born. At the time that I had this dream, I couldn't explain it, but it almost felt like he was my older brother. After I learned about the miscarriage, this was just solidified and I wrote it off. The dream was brief and I met up with him at the base of a beautiful, nearly-white weeping willow-style tree. In front of us was a big rift and on the other side was a forest and a waterfall. Behind us was a path, and a weird, curved up tree stump. The entire thing was very overexposed and bright but it was absolutely stunning. I couldn't remember what he said to me, but it was something about it being my turn to go back, and I didn't want to.

Now, my obsession at the time was Balto. That was probably my favorite movie at the time. I had no idea who this person was or what his name was, so I just called him Balto. I never saw him again. Well...kinda. We will get to that soon. Anyway.. about Balto. He was a bit older, maybe in his teens. Tall, not dressed too bad, kind of relaxed. Brown hair and blue eyes. Not very different from me, actually. That is another reason I thought "this is definitely my sibling, and I definitely almost had a brother". Whatever happened, I was very attached to him and never forgot this despite him not coming back. I wanted to dream about him and I tried willing myself to dream about him but I never could.

Enter my official interest in DID as a self-diagnosis theory and the beginning of questioning EVERY symptom I match up with.

**Begin actually-important-part**

So something I've had for a while is anxiety. Undiagnosed, of course, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know when nerves are or are not acceptable/commonplace. I've also been one to joke about being what I call a logical hypochondriac. I don't think I have *every* single thing I see or look up, but if I see I have several symptoms, I start trying to rule out the illness or disorder. Yes, rule it out. I start looking for ways it doesn't apply.

So I start looking more and more into this, and as I learn what symptoms are called what, and how they present themselves in the human body, I start thinking to myself "wow, some of these are spot on...but I don't have alters." I can point out being out of character, specifically during a time when I was going through a bout of depression. When I think about that time, I remember a penpal from a chat saying that how I described my actions sounded like what she had. She started telling me about her experiences with what I now know was DID. She suggested that this out-of-character side might be an alter, since I felt like I'd adopted another identity, like the regular me was Clark Kent and this much-less-of-a-pushover side of me was an epic Superman to who I was on a daily basis. This side of me, however, did these things more for fun. Because of that, I assumed it was just...me. I figured it was me relieving stress and just letting out my mean side. I did name that side when my friend suggested it, however, and that side of me was known as Demonia for the next year or so.

That side went away when I started trying to focus on putting my depression at bay, and I never really dealt with her again, until about a year ago, when I was being rude to some of my friends for no reason other than to see them react. This was all just brushed off as me acting out, and I would always suppress it or try to ignore it until that mood passed. The more I think about it, the more I was wondering if Balto and Demonia were actually honest to god alters...I mean, why else I know them? Why else do they exist?

The big key thing saying "you don't have DID" is that they were dormant.

Until yesterday anyway.

So, I work nights, meaning I usually get some kind of insomnia now. I can't get to sleep on a semi-early schedule unless I've been up all day, and even then I'm up until like 3 or 4. I'd just recently finished trying to learn how to open yourself up to alters, and I've been learning how to tell when I'm spacing out a bit. So that started happening a little, and I tried to hold onto it. Once I felt myself going there, I tried every technique I could think of to make myself seem "inviting" to an alter. I did this partly to satisfy my own conviction about not having an alter, and partly to meet them if I *did* have one.

Suddenly, I start to dissociate a bit, and I get really nauseated. I don't normally get like that, as I have a pretty tough stomach. I'm sure I didn't eat anything bad, so I try to bear through it and keep that connection available. Over the next few moments, the nausea gets worse but I feel like air is in my body. I don't know how to describe it other than air between my bones and muscles, separating the two almost. Before too long, the nausea fades but the airy feeling stays, and I can't really tell what is going on in my head. It feels like my brain is a hotel with no vacancy or a box full of packing peanuts, I just feel very very aware of every inch of my body and my brain in particular. I start trying to run through the basics, one key thing being the recurring thought of "If this is my alter, if I have one, they might have different memories..." so I try to recall some things about my childhood. Nothing...a vague view of me watching Lilo and Stitch as a kid, but it was like watching a broken projector, a short, blurry, vignette style memory.

Weird. I move on, maybe something more recent. Bad breakup from a few years ago that absolutely wrecked me? Nada. My dog dying? Same effect. I know it happened but I have no connection to it or any particular memory of it. My mom coming down to visit last week? Same. What I did that very day? Nice try. Now I'm concerned. I try to focus on parts of my life I - as the assumed core/ANP - don't remember. ABSOLUTELY nothing. Just black. It was literally like a complete gap in my existence. I could see it in a timeline format in my head. There were little pictures associated with certain points on the timeline, all in the projector-style I mentioned earlier. Then chunks of solid black nothingness. Now I'm scared. I start thinking to myself, as I know from my research that alters can talk via inner monologue.

I start thinking about different things, I can't quite remember them now for some reason, but I start to think about this app on my phone..a beta gacha dress up game with pretty unlimited choices for your character, and you can make several characters and save them on one account. A few days ago, out of boredom and curiosity, I tried making Balto so I could see if thinking about him would make him show up. It failed, but I knew this feeling wasn't me but was kind of working to talk to me through my body. I knew I was still there, but it was like I was being told what to do and where to go on the app. So, this thing tells me I have the wrong clothing, but everything else about Balto was right. He then proceeded to tell me, without me asking, that a character I'd started to make for Demonia but gave up on, was completely and utterly wrong. The basics were right, green eyes. Blue hair. Kinda emo style. I was pushing the options on the character like I'd known Demonia all my life and I was stupid for not making her properly on the app. He then ridiculed me for my choice of name, which was Leah (not my legal name at the moment), and scoffed.

I thought to myself "ok, Leah isn't so bad considering you are named after a dog" ask casually asked what his name was since it most likely wasn't Balto, and he replied simply that it was Jordan. I've never had any ties to a Jordan, so if that isn't honestly from *him* then I'm crazy because that came from NOWHERE. I can't get a lock on his voice, as my inner monologue is pretty accurate to how I sound anyway, but his is just breathy. No "sound". Just like I know what he is saying but I shouldn't be able to. Fast forward after a bit, we write down our symptoms as best we can on a notebook, put it up and go to the bed and lay down. I start feeling the nausea come back and I wanna find out more from him before he goes, just in case that meant he was leaving me. I asked him his age, and if he had a last name. He said something for his last name but it was fading in and out... I couldn't hear what he said, whether it was even a name or just him saying he didn't have one. To how old he was, all I got was 17 to 24.

So he fades away and I feel so peaceful... No nausea, no weirdness, no stuffed up head... and I start to go back through my memories to see if he is still there at all... I have all of them for the most part. I get to the bad breakup, and I get a vice-grip headache on the left side of my skull right above my ear. It was already dark, and I get rather light migraines anyway, but I closed my eyes because that pain was getting worse. All I could picture in my mind was what I know to be Demonia, very unhappy, standing in front of a structure taller than her. The image was just pulsing in my head. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but apologize over and over while I was holding onto my head because it was getting to the point that I wanted it to end. After a few more apologies, she and the headache disappear, at which point for whatever god awful reason my brain wants to, it brings the breakup back up and the headache comes back, not as bad...almost like a warning shot. Fortunately, I keep the thought at bay and the headache dissipates as quick as it appeared. I am so relieved after this about how peaceful my head feels, and how relaxed I realize I now am.

I eventually fall asleep with no more episodes, just grateful for that headache to go away. This afternoon (ok, well, the afternoon of 9-19) after waking up, I tried to think about the breakup, prepared for a headache...but it was just gone. I tried to think about how I felt and everything, but I couldn't pull up any memories of it, just the knowledge that it happened and a brief, almost still scene of me crying on my bed. And now, after working and about to lay it down, it hasn't come back.

My biggest concern at the moment isn't what happened, it is whether or not it was psychosomatic. I don't recall any trauma, and my dad wasn't physically abusive, although some might say he was mentally abusive. I was never really let out of him or my mother's sight, so I know it didn't happen without their knowledge... I don't want to be a hypochondriac about this. I don't want to go through all this work to find my alters and find out I made them up *because* I was trying to look into it. Is that even possible? Does any of this sound like your own experiences with being perhaps coconscious or finding a new alter? Or does this sound kind of like malarky? I don't even know where to start or what to think about what I experienced... I can't talk to any of my friends about this as the two I mentioned this to kind of just brushed it off as anxiety, so I really didn't even consider telling them about what happened yesterday...

I'm so sorry this is so long but I want to give a good understanding of what the entire process entailed, so I could get a good answer back in terms of opinions, and I wanted people to know this wasn't one of those things where I stretch a single symptom into something it isn't. I've never had something like this happen before and it is as confusing as it is exciting and scary. I'd love to try and contact Jordan more, but I'm scared to lose him at the same time Please please give me your input or advice..I'd love to hear how my experience differs from or is similar to your own..

I did not read all of this but in what I did read I saw nothing to suggest you have DID. Incomplete memories of childhood are the norm. Identity alteration is the norm in adolescents. Insomnia is a common cause of memory loss and other problems.

Read it all. What stood out for me is that you mention a few times that you get bored, and do stuff to 'see the reaction'. That's how your 'episode' also feels; you were trying really hard to 'have something'. Ever heard of Munchhausen? There's not much researche on that, some scientists think it's 'a bpd thing', which is related to early childhood trauma as well. I'd say emotional neglect. My mother has Munchhausen, and I recognise the same 'sensational stuff' you seem to (want to) feel. I apologize if that's out of line.

When people with DID start becoming aware of it, it goes the other way around; out of the blue scary flashbacks, suddenly finding out there are memory-gaps (in present time), hearing voices/feeling 'a war inside', noticing totally different views on stuff, others and yourself, etc. It took me, I think, about six months to not have the feeling I was in some kind of psychotic nightmare (or transgendered, what I thought because of male parts surfacing) but realizing what was going on. And that's 'this round'. Apparently a T brought up DID ten years ago and I even told an ex about how I indeed recognized symptoms, and this was completely out of my awareness/memory until 'this round'.

This is quite triggering. People with DID often aren't believed by T's when they're finally ready to face it. That's because of loads of reasons, but also because of people who want to have it because it's 'special'. Let me tell you this, it's not special or exciting, it's horrible. I'm not exactly having the life I want to have, because of it. I again apologize if I'm out of line here. The kind of 'thrillseeking' tone I think I see in your post could just as well not be there, it could also be that it is a trait you have because of early childhood trauma. A T could find it all out with you.

My advice in short would be: Don't seek for a label, don't seek for symptoms, but maybe seek for help anyways.

Your post sounds, like you are quite obsessed with the idea of maybe having DID, so even if you don't actually have any sort of dissociative disorder it could be maybe be worth the effort and the money to see a T, and to figure out, why you think you could have DID. Maybe there is other stuff going on, for which you could get help. Or you find out, that it is actually a DID and you also get help.

Maybe you could also ask yourself, if you a are suffering from very confusing symptoms and experiences which have a heavy impact on your daily life and of which you really which to get rid of. Or if you want to have an complex and maybe even interesting label, which could be used to explain some stuff that you might experience, but for which you actually wouldn't feel the need to seek actual help.
"Do I need someone to tell me, that I have DID, but I don't really feel the need to get rid of huge problems?" or "Do I have huge issues in my life, and I am looking rather for actual help how to manage that, than a simple explanation?"

I can work only part time. I can't take care of my own finances. My IQ is higher than average, but I have no education. I'm 40 years old and never had an actual relationship, so I'm not married or have family. Closest to that kind of thing was dating for about a month or two when I was 18. I have had friends occasionally in my life, but I've turned all friendships down for years now. They take away too much energy, and if I give my energy to meeting people, I won't be able to work, because it all together would be too much to handle. I use most of my time recovering from normal life, to be able to continue any of that normal life.

I've met a psychologist first time as a 6 year old because of severe anxiety problems. And after that being in and out, on and off with treatments and medications. I've lived all my life with different sleeping problems, eating problems, depression and anxiety, but haven't been able to talk about them until recently, because of the difficulty to name and understand my own feelings. Mostly because I haven't had identity of my own. I've been hospitalized several times and been in rehabs because of trying to self medicate.

That is how having OSDD/DID affects my life. There's nothing exiting with being mentally ill. If it is cool to have alters, then that's the only thing I am cool in. In a way I do agree, I think my parts are the best thing there is in the world.

Dissociation is normal, it becomes disorder when it affects your ability to function in your daily life or causes suffering.

I don't know what you have or don't, but you weren't asking for that, so it doesn't matter. Have you searched yourself from other places before, and now have this DID thing, or has it always been just DID? If you have looked for who you are from all over, maybe you don't have stable sense of identity, and that is why you find something in DID familiar to you. If that is the case, you actually have a problem. I don't know diagnostic name for it, or even if it is so severe it has one, but that can be something to think about.

To all, I've actually got quite a bit of this sorted out on another forum since I submitted this post since it took a bit to get it even sent out. This was actually the first post I sent in, which was essentially the day after my little "experience", if you will, and I was still kind of tripping out about that. Other than what I'll say to each individual below, I do plan to get some help for everything over time. I currently cannot, but it is a goal for sure. I have been thinking about it all and with the help of those who contributed on the other forum have came to the conclusion that there was some kind of possible trauma in my childhood but no guarantee of what or when, but the answers will come when I find more out via seeing a T.

I do want to make it clear to everyone that this wasn't something I'd just thought would be cool to have. I understand that it affects people's lives. I'm not saying it was something I wanted to have or thought it would be cool to have. As I've found out lately, there is a good chance that this was kind of a bout of hypochondria of types, as I was somewhat desperate for answers. I don't like not knowing, or having that lack of certainty, and my logic failed me. That kind of thing was exactly what made me scared to post on a forum, as I was worried that people with very severe cases or otherwise strong feelings about this would take my uncertainty as attention-seeking malingering. That was not my intent and was actually something I was hoping to avoid, and I feel like I made that more clear in my second attempt to post here, which didn't go up actually due to how everything scheduled out. Presumably admin saw and approved this one and then realized that I'd sent one later on because I thought the first one didn't go through, since the internet glitched out when I sent it.

To Una+
I actually didn't think about insomnia causing memory loss, but it does make sense. Working nights has really messed with my sleeping schedule, unfortunately.

To Bejer
Someone in another forum said they felt that the episode was very suggested, as I'd been reading up on how to get in contact with lost alters at the time, which kind of makes sense along the desperate-for-answers route, but I have considered looking into BPD for the "moods" as well..that being said a suggestion on the other forum was just to focus on journaling and wait on looking into anything. She said the best thing I could do was actually just to make an appointment (therapeutically, with a possibility at eventual dx, but not as a goal) to get things kind of sorted out. She did suggest that there is a chance that my missing chunks of time could be from something I've blocked out or that it could just be nothing, but the things I've described to her were possibly considered as traumatic and that I could see some progress from seeking help professionally. I've heard of Munchhausen but I haven't done any research on it to know any signs or symptoms. No worries, you aren't out of line. I came here with the expectation of negativity to be honest (not that this is negativity, but just that I came here expecting worse), and I came here with the goal of answering "if this isn't where I need to look, where should I go from here?"
That was actually a big part for me as far as justifying not having it: no known recent issues, and up until I had that little episode I had no shadow of a doubt that I didn't have alters, at least not in my adult life. Now that I have all but confirmed that the episode was kind of me tricking myself or just working myself up, I've been able to focus more and kind of see things without that haze of "what the hell just happened?" so I can safely say that I can reason a bit easier now than I could when I posted this, although that is kind of why I came here. I wanted opinions and personal input and I got just that, so I'm grateful I did it. I am sorry if you were offended by my post. I was partly expecting that, because I know there is a stigma around it. I wouldn't say I was wanting to have it because I thought it was cool. I do think, after discussing it in the other forum I mentioned, I was desperate for answers and let myself get carried away with the situation and what I was going through, and possibly drew links where there was not as big of a connection as I'd thought. I don't find myself to be much of a thrillseeker or sensationalizer, but I do know that I do have those moods at times, but I'm generally able to quell them. I find this more to be anxiety-induced as opposed to that. But as I'd stated above, I intend to get help when I am able to.

To Muninn
You are right, that is essentially was I'd been told elsewhere. I do think that looking into symptoms and kind of self diagnosing let me to a kind of WebMD situation..
I wouldn't say I was obsessed with having it, I've been bothered by not having remembered much in my younger years, so when I heard about some of the symptoms of DID I started wondering if it was something I'd had as a child and unknowingly got over with age, and apparently looking into the symptoms was a bad idea as it was suggested that knowing the symptoms might have led to the experience being brought on in a way. Kind of confirmed that it was psychosomatic, which I was heavily considering as the likely cause instead of DID in itself. I did want to get more opinions on it to be sure on the potential of it.
I understand what you are getting at but I don't believe I intentionally fabricated it, no. It wasn't something I did to sound cool or seem interesting. I think if you knew me personally you would know that for yourself as well. I'm sorry you thought that way about what I said.

To Floralie
I wouldn't say I have a very strong sense of identity, I don't think I ever have, really. I don't really know where I fit or anything, so I can see where that would be an issue. I can also see how you were connecting that to DID or looking into diagnosis. I never really thought about that being a disorder in it's own, I genuinely just brushed it off as a result of being sheltered and as a side effect of not being able to find a place in school or anything. Now that you mention it, I can see other ways it has affected me, so that is helpful that you noticed it or even pointed it out. I appreciate it. That could be something for me to look into for sure. Once I do start meeting up with someone, I'll keep that in mind to mention to them or to talk to them about. I am genuinely sorry that you are experiencing such troubles from DID. I suppose the sides I was looking into were just the sides that we were intended to see, as viewers. I can see how it would affect so much more though. I didn't mean to offend you with my post either, I'm sorry if I did. I can see how it would come off that way.

I visited a number of professionals and never got a correct diagnosis for a syndrome that robbed me of a full life. In my late 30's diagnosed myself OSDD almost by chance, then I found that the labels OSDD or DID don't reflect the diversity of our experiences. Purgatory is my native home and I never leave it. I go up and down but it's always purgatory. I think my experience is relatively pleasant compared to many people with DID. It is understandably off-putting to some people the way you describe trying to contact alters as if it's a hobby you do when you're bored. But you seem sincere with this idea. Some might disagree on this forum, but DID isn't always horrible for the person who has it. Often it goes undetected, but is pathological nevertheless. As I said above, these labels don't reflect the diversity of our experiences.

I was traumatized by an ANP entranced in her fixation to ignore her man bullying me. Otherwise she is a normal productive ordinary citizen and her only symptom was depression. Mother knows she was wrong but she has no idea how wrong. Needless to say we have some issues with normal productive ordinary citizens and we think they're brain damaged by mundane mind control. She did it to me like she was taught and Tdae remember.

What stood out to me in your post was the somatic symptoms. Emotional abuse can also stress the body and cause these symptoms or memories. The underworld of the body and creative minds can communicate in bizarre ways and you can learn from paying attention. But be careful because you might start digging up stuff you really don't like. If you meet resistance to your probing, don't press them. You might benefit from body-aware therapies like yoga or chi practice. I'm not so familiar with this subject, but Eastern medicine has a lot of knowledge about the mind-body connection that could be helpful.

To myce
I would say that, if I am anywhere close to DID or having symptoms of it, I would consider myself fortunate because it isn't severe. My curiosity is more fueled by the fact that I've always been fairly strong in the memory department, and I used to just think that no one really remembered their younger years, but as I've spoke to more and more friends, I've found many that have fairly fluid memories until they were quite young, or at least younger than me by a few years. I was put off by the fact that I couldn't remember my childhood much at all, but that goes back pretty far with me. It isn't something new. I find that when I was younger, I had the same issue, but I didn't focus on it. The older I'm getting, the more concerning it is especially knowing that there is such a thing as repressed memories. My first thought with DID was that it might have been something I had as a kid, not a severe case, but something I perhaps grew out of or possibly integrated early, or was dormant. That is why I started looking into it more. I wasn't trying to make it look like it was a hobby, that being said I knew how it looked coming into a forum full of mostly Dx people, and I know that there are people out there that sensationalize illnesses or even just labels of all kinds. I expected negativity actually, although I was hoping for a bit more patience in terms of being heard out. I will say, on another forum I was able to word things out on my end a lot clearer when I wasn't upset by what happened. I was kind of freaking out when I posted this, and had just came home from working a 12 hour shift, so I was a bit frazzled. I can see where you are coming from though, thank you for keeping an open mind. I know that isn't always the easiest thing, in any situation.

That sounds awful... I can kind of see where you are coming from about normal citizens, even if I find out I am one. Even if I'm relatively normal in the end, I remember when I was growing up I genuinely hated some people that I thought had normal, stress-free, easy lives and supportive, open-minded family members. I tended to have those feelings more to people that had good relationships with their dads. I hated the fact that despite wanting to be close with my dad, I was always intimidated by him or scared of him. I was jealous of all my friends that had stable homes and loving families. I feel like I can't even answer where I'm from because I wasn't raised where I was born, and I didn't stay anywhere long enough to call home until I was almost 13, and I was absolutely miserable there until we moved when I was 20, so that isn't home either. I was always so uncomfortable with the idea of safe, stable, normal lives that they genuinely scared me. I know that isn't what you meant, really, but it is how I relate my story to what you said about differing from "normal"..

See, that is the weird part. I'm currently relatively stress-free. I still live with my dad, which has its moments of trying times, but generally speaking I don't feel extremely stressed out, physically or otherwise. I wouldn't say he hasn't had his moments of abuse lately, but it isn't anything severe or really worse than what is my version of normal. Kind of odd, though, I have sporadic unexplained shoulder pain that was potentially somatic last time I looked into it. It's been going on for months now. Same spot all the time, always on the skin but never anything physically visible, feels like a sunburn..odd. Maybe things aren't as good as I thought. You do have some good points, for sure. I will take all that into consideration. Thank you for your input. I will keep it in mind in the future, if I do decide to do some more digging. I used to do pilates in school, so I am slightly familiar with the world of yoga (or at least the general principle) and I actually wouldn't be against looking into it again... That isn't a bad idea, I never thought about it being therapeutic for the mind as well thank you again for your help.

All cases of DID are severe it is the most severe dissociative disorder. You can be stable or covert or well many many things but not once ever have I heard or read of anyone having a mild case of DID.

I didn't respond originally because you seemed to only want responses from people diagnosed with DID and I'm not. But I and many others here receive more positive response from posts then you have. While our case may only be suspected like many people have already said my entire life is negatively impacted by our experiences. For most of our life no one has ever really questioned our experiences including ourselves. But I can tell you we had panic attacks as young as 6. Phobias that cause absolute terror one day and not the next. Depression and anxiety through most of our life. A memory that feels like a leaky sieve. Drastic personality changes the list goes on and on. And yet for most of that time I was stable and no one ever connected the dots not even me.

You clearly do seem to be distressed so I would recommend you get a T that can help you and if you suspect you experience dissociation find a T that specialises in dissociation (maybe take the DES-II if your not sure.) I would also recommend looking into leaving your current home as it will be harder to resolve any issues you have with your parent/s while still living with them especially if they are or have been in any form abusive and that includes emotional and physiological abuse.

Correct, thank you NyxX: "All cases of DID are severe it is the most severe dissociative disorder. You can be stable or covert or well many many things but not once ever have I heard or read of anyone having a mild case of DID."

DID is uniquely painful and debilitating. However, the current understanding is incomplete. There are variants of dissociative identity disorders that are less debilitating to the person who has it. I have at least three non-DID multiples in my family and it manifested differently between them. They can hurt others if they're not self-aware.

Txb91356 I didn't see your next post before mine before I posted. I dunno? I apologize that I came off more harshly than I intended earlier. Indeed, fears of judgement could keep you from seeking help. It could keep you from knowing yourself. People with a major dissociative disorder always doubt their parts exist. But in truth everyone has been taught a false paradigm of self. The biology of the brain is naturally separated within itself. There are the minds of consciousness, dreams, emotions and the body. Everyone in naturally multiple in that respect. But DID is a developmental disorder in which natural divisions within the self are exaggerated, and new divisions created. In theory it always begins with a disorganized attachment, the first and maybe the worst trauma, when the child's heart and spirit are first broken. Then it's repeated again and again.

What you described of your history and relationship with your father is traumatic. When the child fears the one who is supposed to love and protect them, the brain cannot handle the paradox and it splits them. I agree with NyxX that you should move away from your father. But I am one who distrusts therapists and institutions. I believe criminals are writing textbooks. Many people are very happy with their therapists and I am happy for them. I'm grateful to the fates that there are good ones, and that I can function without one. So with that bias I wouldn't recommend you see a therapist but trust your own internal resources. I have found that body alters can talk to the conscious mind if you pay attention to them.