Newly diagnosed and scared *tw self harm*

I have been working with a crisis stabilization worker off and on for about a year. The person I have been working with is a trauma therapist in her second job and immediately knew I had a trauma history even though I never told her. My case manager (county social worker) also told me that she could tell I had a trauma history. I never told either of them anything.

For as long as I can remember, I have been blamed for things I have no memory of doing. I have also dissociated in my psychiatrist’s office many times; I know this because she tells me things that happened at past appointments and wants to discuss it but I can’t because I have absolutely no memory of it at all. She said that if I am dissociating that badly then I can’t live alone anymore, which has me scared I am going to lose my housing.

The stabilization worker told me she has suspected DID for awhile with me. I had no clue and thought you had to know about other parts of you to have DID. Ever since she told me, I have been afraid of being diagnosed with DID because I really didn’t know what it meant therapy wise and I was used to the BPD diagnosis and being blamed for things even though I had no memory of them, including whole conversations I had with treatment providers.

Last Thursday I had an appointment with a new therapist who is trained in diagnosing and treating both dissociative and personality disorders. Before I met with her, the stabilization worker told her about some things that have happened recently which made her suspect DID. She told her about a time when I didn’t want to go back to the hospital because they had seen me many times but didn’t think they could help me and the crisis police officer insisted on taking me back to the hospital and then the next thing I remember was feeling like I woke up suddenly in the emergency room when my case manager was there and was in the room talking to me; I remember asking her where she came from and wondering how I got from the street into the ER and her telling me that she wanted me to stay at the hospital a few days to stabilize; I don’t remember anything in between, but the hospital says that when they were helping me with my belongings I got upset and kicked an ER tech in the thigh; the police officer that was there that day told my stabilization worker that I seemed to be developmentally delayed, which is confusing to me because I am not. Another incident happened while I was in the hospital when I had a PA assigned to me who triggered me because she reminded me of my primary abuser; eventually I completely dissociated when a friend was there to visit me; all I remember is my friend coming to visit me and then the next thing I knew I was in seclusion with no idea how I got there; my friend, who is also my agent/proxy on my advance psychiatric directive said that I was eating lunch and then the PA came to talk with my friend and they went off to talk but that I followed; she then said the PA was not listening to her at all when I ripped a plastic sign off of the wall, held it over my head and said over and over, “you don’t listen”; my friend thought I was seeing my abuser and was trying to defend myself because in all of the time she has known me she has never seen my face or heard my voice sound the way she did that day. Those were the most extreme things that have happened to me. I tend to lose time often and sometimes things are done or when I come back I have hurt myself but have no warning of it and am really confused how it happened.

My case manager went to the new therapist with me and told her what she has observed in me. A lot of what she has said I have no memory of. Apparently there have been times when we had lengthy conversations about a topic and then I call her the next day and want to talk about the same thing totally unaware that she has discussed this with me. All of these things are very scared and confusing to me because I have absolutely no memory of them. My case manager says that there have been times that I have called her and she knew it wasn’t me and that I was dissociated; she gave examples in the appointment and most of the examples she gave I have no memory of talking to her about.

At the end of the end of the appointment the therapist told me not to worry and that I wasn’t crazy. She said that she could help me and that she is diagnosing me as DID and PTSD. Because of what stabilization had been telling me, I kind of suspected DID, but actually hearing someone telling me that that is what I am dealing with was still a shock to me and I am still trying to come to terms with it. I know there is a child part of me because sometimes I will wake up and be aware that I am 3 and am scared and can’t call anyone for help because I don’t know how to use a phone. I also have no memory of my childhood before around 13 and the rest of my childhood memories are spotty and what I do remember is not good.

I have been having problems since I was 6 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. Then when I left for college I really started having problems and was hospitalized many times. I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was 19, but never felt like that fit what I experienced. Now 20 years later, I am seeing a trauma therapist for the first time and am being told I don’t fit the picture of BOD and that she is not diagnosing me with it. She said that the symptoms she has gathered from me and the other people who talked to her about me paint a clear picture to her of DID and PTSD.

I am only aware of a child part of me but others are aware of other parts. When will I learn who/ what those other parts are and how do I stop the ones that want to hurt/ kill me from coming out since I am totally gone when they come out and when I come back I have no memory of what they did. It seems like things are getting worse since I told people I don’t have any memory of things that happen. Will things ever get better? How will I know what these other parts are?

Welcome to the forum. Threapy will probably focus on trying to establish communication between you and your parts as you don't seem to have any currently.

I don't think you can stop parts from fronting and you might never be able to. As you improve communication you should be able to address the issues that cause some parts to self harm.

With DID I think things often feel like they are getting worse when they are getting better. Because getting better starts with becoming aware of how not OK things already are and have been for a long time.

From what you have said I would say try leaving notes or something like for when you blackout and see if any of them respond. It's good that you have a T that is recognising your symptoms and work on building a safe and trusting relationship with them so they can help you.

First of all I want to say congrats on having a therapist who is not only aware of, but specializes in DID and trauma therapy. That's HUGE.

I had no idea I had DID until a few years ago. I was dating my husband and one of my parts came out to talk to him a few times. It always happened at night, so I'd "wake up" later and apologize for falling asleep. It wasn't until he'd talk to this other part (a 5.5 year old child) about three times that he told me about her. Then within the space of a few months, two others came out to him. And then about 6 months ago a fourth, and more recently a fifth.

I couldn't control who was "switching" in and out at first. I still can't. But we've worked A LOT on internal communication. Turns out I have one part (Delilah) who was either allowing switching to happen or blocking other parts from switching. I found out that all of the internal dialogue I've had with myself since I was younger than four, was actually Delilah talking to me.

I'd suggest journaling. Leave notes in your journal to other parts. Leave the journal somewhere very visible, with a sticky note on it that says, PLEASE READ THIS!" and leave a few different colored pens next to it. Or just leave notes out in visible places around your house. Internal communication is a HUGE key in getting to a stable place.

My guess: As you begin to work on inner communication, it's LIKELY that the first one(s) to show themselves to you will be your internal helpers. It seems that almost everyone I know of who has DID has an internal helper. They will be key in helping you with communication, and in introducing you to the others (either letting you know they are helping you, or encouraging the others without your awareness to "meet" you). And be prepared for meeting the angry/hurt ones. They will probably come out in full force and seem very scary to you when you first meet them. It's important to remember that their anger is coming from a deep deep place of pain. It will go a long way with them (usually) if you meet them with, "I know you're angry. And I know you're hurt. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with what you did. And even though you're scary, and super mad at me right now. I am so very grateful for everything you did for me!" It's hard, but worth it in the end. At least, for me it was, and for others here (from what posts I've seen).

Give your therapist the chance to earn your trust. She's going to be your biggest ally if she's a good T (which it seems like she is).

Best of luck! And welcome to the forum!

K

Sunflower went through a long period of self harm impluses. It took a long time to reach those parts. A lot of appreciation, love, and patience. But things did get better and are now probably the best they have been since we’ve been married. (a decade and counting)

There were several times Meg would step in to block things from happening, but she wasn’t always able. (Blocking is only a short term solution.) There are several times where she negotiated a de-escalation. We had a plan where if she couldn’t block, she would try to text or email me to have me help bring her out and I checked in frequently. Other insiders began to help Meg. Sunflower also had plans to stay in public places and with friends when I wasn’t around. Eventually we were able to make a truce with one for a month, that has now been extended. One that was very down has now discovered she likes painting. Another influenced things and considered herself separate from the body. She is now discovering there are upsides to having a body (scented oils and back rubs), though she is frustrated she can not levitate like on the inside.

Sunflower often felt like things were getting worse when they were improving. She thought the therapy must be creating alters as they kept showing up for a while. I tried to explain it like an archeological dig. They were always there, but hidden, and were now being “discovered”.

Just try to accept them where they are and see how you can help them. Several in Sunflower’s system had rules about not asking for things (seems pretty common), so I would offer things instead. Often they were just guesses (guess the age, guess about things someone that age might like, etc.), but once I got on good ground with Meg, she has been able to offer suggestions and insight.

Things can and will get better, but it will take a lot of effort to build communication, trust, and cooperation. It sounds like you have a knowledgeable T and that is a tremendous start!

Hello Catlovermn,

Welcome to the DID Forum. It sounds like you have come to the right place . . . and the right diagnosis.

From what you have shared I guess the most important issue right now is your housing. Have you been safe there so far?

It is funny / horrible how otherwise innocuous phrases can be such huge triggers. But that's how it is. By way of example, one day years many ago I heard someone say "Now his troubles are over" and that sent me very rapidly into a severe depression. I even felt some very weird sensations in my body as I took in those words. At the time I had no idea how much danger I was in just by being unaware that I was living with undiagnosed and untreated DID and PTSD.

I am so glad you have found savvy mental health professionals who recognize your condition and know how to help you. That is wonderful!