Daughter still has contact with my main abuser; complicated

If she wasn't 19 but indeed older, I wouldn't ask for advice here about how to deal with this without creating 'unstable adult drama' she doesnt need. I understand where this all comes from, but it still hurts and I'm bending myself backwards to not show that. She doesn't know this website, and I can't talk with people about this but I do want to do this right for her, that's the whole damn purpose of this topic.

This sounds difficult, Bejer, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
Some things that come to mind:
- your daughter criticizing you does not seem to be about "expressing feelings" in my opinion, for example if she tells you off for your looks... that's just rude/mean... not constructive at all. There are plenty of 19 year olds that don't understand that their parents have feelings too, therefore I feel like there should be some basic rules about this, that you will of course also adhere to. (e.g., we do not tell each other off for things about our appearance that we wouldn't be able to change in a few minutes (e.g. stain on face vs. weight), otherwise x (consequence)).
- I wouldn't share about DID/trauma with her, which I think you are also aware of. You know, she may truly have a different relationship/experience with your mother and sister. It's not her job to validate you/your experience, I think she may be too young for that. Maybe she clicks with your sister precisely because they are similar in some regards. I would try to distance yourself mentally from their interactions.
- When something is triggering, you can first note down the similarities to the 'old' experience, and then the differences - as birdsong wrote about on her blog: https://www.dis-sos.com/discrimination/
I think it's admirable that you are both trying to live together again in a pleasant way.

fireheart wrote:This sounds difficult, Bejer, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
Some things that come to mind:
- your daughter criticizing you does not seem to be about "expressing feelings" in my opinion, for example if she tells you off for your looks... that's just rude/mean... not constructive at all. There are plenty of 19 year olds that don't understand that their parents have feelings too, therefore I feel like there should be some basic rules about this, that you will of course also adhere to. (e.g., we do not tell each other off for things about our appearance that we wouldn't be able to change in a few minutes (e.g. stain on face vs. weight), otherwise x (consequence)).

Thanks, fireheart. She's at friends this weekend and I made a list of 'healthy boundaries to set' with indeed this kind of things.

fireheart wrote:- I wouldn't share about DID/trauma with her, which I think you are also aware of.

Yeah, was even thinking about not telling her anything. Talked about it with the T who diagnosed me and with our doctor. They said she might appreciate knowing were some possible confusing stuff came/comes from, so I shared it with her without much details. She then talked about it with my mother and sister who denied it could be true, she asked me to see the diagnosis on paper, I showed her, told her that I don't expect her to takes sides or anything, and don't bring up the subject anymore myself. Like mentioned before, I understand why she finds it hard to believe and I said that's ok but let's not go there just to say something rude (just like the comments about my appearence or something, that I haven't adressed yet).

fireheart wrote: You know, she may truly have a different relationship/experience with your mother and sister. It's not her job to validate you/your experience, I think she may be too young for that.

Exactly.

fireheart wrote:Maybe she clicks with your sister precisely because they are similar in some regards. I would try to distance yourself mentally from their interactions.

Exactly:)

fireheart wrote:- When something is triggering, you can first note down the similarities to the 'old' experience, and then the differences - as birdsong wrote about on her blog: https://www.dis-sos.com/discrimination/
I think it's admirable that you are both trying to live together again in a pleasant way.

Thank you. Thinking about it more, reading you guys here, going to a concert with a friend last night and having the brief contact with my possible T to be, was a good rewind and 'settle down' weekend. I'm not going to create a big 'we need to talk' thing, I'll see how things go and at first try to respond to little moments of described situations by saying something like; 'this is not how we should communicate, let's keep things civil. If anything is bothering you, we can ofcourse talk about that.'

She's coming home in a few hours, just apped me some goofy pictures of her and her friends:) which puts things in perspective again as well.

Thanks again people, this was of great help.

Good to read!
I'm glad to hear that you had a 'settle down' weekend & I like that you're thinking about your boundaries.
Wishing you lots of strength and good thoughts & more settling down! <3

That's really nice of you, thanks:)) <3