Just got off phone and still shaking

I just got off the phone from an old friend (also has DID) and she hasn't called me for almost two weeks and just found out why.

I guess I had been drinking wine and she called me and she was very upset at me for some things I had said to her.

I won't repeat what she told me I had said for they are triggery to me so don't want to go there here, but it seems she called me during a black out. My Black out that is not hers.

I am still shaking and having tremors as well as sweaty palms.

Even though the DSM excludes being intoxicated as part of the criteria for DID, I know that's it's been understood since the 1880's that while in that state of mind that results in a black out, it's a part that has access to all previous black outs from that part. This is not just old but ongoing and current research.

I've been drinking since the age of ten and so am well aware of about 3 different parts that can come out while in that state. Two of them are fun loving and happy, but one of them that rarely ever but has come out is what I would call Wicked or evil.

It seems she brought him out that night while I have no memory of even talking to her on the phone at all. He hasn't showed up in I don't know how many years. It's very rare that he does, but is so horrible when he does show up.

I have been doing actually very well lately and spent the whole day writing a post for here about how positive and helpful Buddhist Mindfulness has been since I started studying it last week as a homework assignment. Yes you read that right I deleted the entire thing after I got off the phone!

The sobering reality that this cruel, wicked part lives within me still has shook me to the core.

I honestly and sincerely apologized to her for it, but it was not "Me" who did this. I explained that regardless of which part is responsible, I as the Host am always on the hook whether I remember it or not.

It's not just the overwhelming shock of such a black out which many here can relate to. But the Horror and Shock of a part of me that would or could say such a cruel thing to another human being is what has me shaking.

I just am at a loss for words.

Sobering reminder of why I quit drinking. Sure It's a given.

But whether I drink or not, it's still there and that's what has me so shook up.

My "Drunk Punk" part who is 14 is still "Me". I can even say "Granpa Punk" is still me, even though he can be a jerk and an arsehole. But This "Other Part" my friends tell me is no one they have ever seen before and don't ever wish to again. He uses words and phrases that I had to look up online just now.

I've seen him in the mirror sober and it scared the bejeebus out of me.

I've been the target of him in my darkest hours in my life. He demands that I hurt or kill myself with a deep gravely cruel tone. It lasts for but a moment or two and so well know to ignore it. But it shakes me to my core all the same.

I have a portrait of who I think he is as a "Self Portrait" assignment for a group mental health class years ago. He is much like Captain Ahab from Moby Dick. In that painting he is a naked Captain Ahab on his sinking wailing boat ready to throw his harpoon at Moby Dick. He always looks the same in the face.

Something deep inside me says he is related to my abuse at a young age and may be what we call an Intro-ject? An embodiment of an abuser? Or he may be a protector of sorts too? I don't have a clue.

But I am very shaken up by it and wish to resolve it.

If anyone knows of treatments or methods of reaching deep parts or therapists who specialize in this sort of thing I am very interested. I want to heal this part of me so that he doesn't ever hurt anyone again.

Hypnosis? Video taping long session while intoxicated? (yes that is a real therapy) How do I reach this part?

Sincerely
Lumps

How about just ask this part to come out? Or start talking about whatever it was your friend was talking about when this part came out.

How is it going with the friend? Has the friendship been mended?

Sentinel would go hard with harassing Front after they talked on this forum about how well mindfulness was working. I think it's funny. It fits though. As you get better at mindfulness then you meet deeper challenges. I don't believe it is a coincidence that your alter appears along with your interest Buddhism. Today I have informed the Front what they suspected, that I have also been present near the front and harassing them. It is so we can all become more self-aware.

Your friend in the deep sounds like what we refer to as contamination, though I don't know for sure. I don't have anything like him in my system, except maybe the lady who poisoned my garden, and I don't even know who she is. Someone who seems pointlessly cruel I guess. The brain has been shut down. -Tdae

Hi Lumpy, I had to switch from that mindset. I'm a bit disoriented, also puzzled and dismayed by what I wrote "your friend in the deep" above. I hope things are alright with your friend. Tdae's native habitat is the dream-mind and their friends are ghosts and dead. Earlier Tdae told me this: "The Fronts want to deny or intellectualize everything, Sentinel gets pissed off at everything, and I tell stories." What is Captain Ahab's story? Can he change it? I have found that the creative mind can communicate and neutralize some pain with its works. And you're a caring person so that is a strength.