Not so little

So I think it's been happening for a while now but the big finally noticed I'm not so little anymore I'm not big either.

It started when we learnt about Nixie and I shared my name with her. Keeping her suppressed and trapped was wrong of us and not understanding what we were doing isn't and excuse.

Everything the last few months has been about helping Nixie. I'm not feeling neglected or anything we all knew she had to be our priority we had to try to undo some of the hurt we caused her. And keeping her locked up hurt her just as badly as our abuser hurt her.

It's been really hard for me to help I can't be near her for long because my role has always been to be happy and free and without care. I'm supposed to hide and sleep when bad things happen or we feel negative in any way. But I wanted to help it was important.

So I kept thinking even when I couldn't be near her. That made me get a lot of headaches. The grown-up serious thoughts cause them and they make it hard to think. That's why I don't think I'm all big because I still get the headaches

At some point I realised me and Nixie are two halves. I have all the good emotions and she the bad and that nyx doesn't feel either properly by herself. And I started thinking maybe me and Nixie need to merge before she could heal and stop being afraid all the time.

But I don't want that I couldn't do being scared as much as she is the idea is scary all by itself and I'm not meant to be scared. So I've been thinking about that a lot and I'm not sure how it happened but I ended up giving her a bit of me and taking a bit of her.

And it worked really well. She is able to see past her fear now even if just a little. She is exploring the world not just looking for danger. And everyone is so relieved and were like we can finally start getting back to living our lives like normal but with maybe a new balance.

Only I don't fit the way I did before I've changed a lot and I can't go back to being carefree and little anymore. And the bigs are worrying that we won't be able to be truly happy with me being like I was before. And I don't know who I'm supposed to be now if I can't be the keeper of happiness.

I don't regret it I think its wrong to make one person hold all the pain by themselves. But I'm not a little bundle of joy anymore. I don't feel little at all even. But I don't feel big either. So who am I now?

The Pixie

You are still The Pixie. You're just a slightly bigger version of her.
People grow up. I think maybe sometimes each individual part learns to start to grow up. You can still be the keeper of the happiness. You are you.

Roles change. My Delilah used to be the only one responsible for managing us, handling things when life got stressful, managing the switches, always being on the lookout for the need to switch so she could make it happen in such a seamless way that I never noticed it. But now that we're getting better, and everyone can co-conscious, and I handle stress a little better, and the teenager has calmed down... Delilah's role has changed. She's less of a manager and more of a supervisor. She doesn't force or prevent switches anymore. She's just always watching.

The teenager, Britney... we realize now she was a type of a protector. She pushed people away so they wouldn't get close to us. Because getting close meant a potential for us to be hurt or abused. But now we have real friends, and our husband loves us and she trusts him. So she's less confrontational.

Delilah told our T today, that she thinks Lilly is starting to grow up a little. That sometimes, despite being "5 and a half," Lilly talks and acts more like a 7 year old, but then will revert back to her little kid talking.

People change, people grow. Perhaps this is a good sign that your system is working on healing.

I wish you the best. And Lilly wants me to tell you that she says hi.

Kitten

Hay Lily I hope you are feeling good being little again because I still think littles are the best.

I think it is a good thing and better for our future as a whole. Everything has always been very acknowledged or white no in between on compromise all extremes. And this is like a step towards sharing our roles and no one having to completely responsible for one thing alone.

I mean I'm don't think it's right I have to be happy always for us all and it's definitely not right that Nixie has to hold all the fear and pain. So this is definitely progress. I'm just feeling a little scared of the unknown and a little lost because I have always been the same never changing. I don't know how to be the new me.

The Pixie

NyxX wrote:Hay Lily I hope you are feeling good being little again because I still think littles are the best.

I think it is a good thing and better for our future as a whole. Everything has always been very acknowledged or white no in between on compromise all extremes. And this is like a step towards sharing our roles and no one having to completely responsible for one thing alone.

I mean I'm don't think it's right I have to be happy always for us all and it's definitely not right that Nixie has to hold all the fear and pain. So this is definitely progress. I'm just feeling a little scared of the unknown and a little lost because I have always been the same never changing. I don't know how to be the new me.

The Pixie

Delilah was very scared too. She did not know how to be something different after so many years of being what she was. She was afraid that if she didn't have to be in control anymore that we would not need her and she would be absorbed, or disappeared, or... whatever you want to call it.. she would not be here anymore. It's normal to be scared of changed.

Don't TRY to be the new you, sweetie. Just be YOU. Feel what you feel. Do what you do, and rip off the labels.