Are these voices?

lizisace wrote:I think I did something stupid. I was writing down everything that popped up in my head and for a very long time and I guess I got a bit too comfortable and I started to write how it was al very weird and how I felt like I was faking it or making it up. which I regretted the moment I finished that sentence, but I couldn't really take it back. then I continued to write, but the random thoughts and handwriting switches just disappeared, for about 2 whole pages. then suddenly I had this impulse thought that I wrote down in the dark handwriting that said that me not believing in this thing made him (idk I strongly feel this handwriting belongs to a male thought thing) feel very sad and he said that the whole situation was hard enough for him without being invalidated by me. and then after that the thoughts kind of disappeared again, and I got this very bad headache, that I can't get rid of.

also after that I felt like I needed to talk to my friend about this whole situation, because it al just feels super bizar to me. so I wrote down if it was okay for me to talk to my friend about everything that's been happening today. and as soon as I wrote that question down I felt very sick to my stomach and my headache got a bit worse for a couple of seconds. and I got just this over all feeling of not being safe.

now i'm trying to get the random thoughts back again so that I'm able to write again, but I don't really know how to. I guess I should just give it some time and try again tomorrow? Also, it's very hard not to feel like i'm making this whole thing up, but I don't know how I can fake the physical pains that come from the thoughts being hurt.

So I have a card in the front cover of the notebook I use for a journal. It's got rules written on it.

When I first started this I made these. I was concerned I'd over think what I would write, then wind up eventually quitting because it would become like WORK. I wanted raw unprocessed thoughts, the most honest and just plain "stream of consciousness" outpouring I could get.

- Don't overthink; just write whatever you think and feel at the moment.
- Put date & time before writing
- Line after writing to mark a clear ending point.
- Never tear out pages! ALL thoughts and feelings matter.
- Don't filter or hold back thoughts or feelings - They're ALL important.

Later I added some for the others, my alters… 

- All parts/others feel free to write here.
- This is for us, all of us. Share with us all.
- If you want to make a mark or sign your writing, please do. It'll help identify each other.
- I'll mark the date/time with a color for each of you if I know who wrote any given part I didn't write.
- This is for our sake, and only for us.

Under this second card is a smaller one with the alters I know of, written in a color I associate with them (Pixie in purple b/c she and I share this color as our favorite; Kitten in pink b/c she's a ballerina and it's her favorite; Kaleb in green b/c it's his favorite and he loves the woods; Katya "sunflower" in yellow; etc).

So don't feel bad about raw emotion and unfiltered thoughts. Those are good to get out- even the doubts and fears (maybe especially those). They are in your head and if you fight to hide them and contain them, it could just make them harder to deal with. Write it all down, good and bad… just as it comes. It'll help you make honest assessments (looking back later) and process things (in the immediate).

May I ask what two majors you are considering?
What was the result of the debate?
Is doing a double major a possibility?

When we selected our major here, we actually selected two, and with careful planning of the schedule it would only mean one extra semester of college. We did end up dropping one of the majors. Not because of course load or difficulty, but because we found that past the few entry level core classes for the one major, we simply were not interested and found the classes difficult simply because we could not focus because we were not interested in the topics. So, we dropped it and then it cut a semester off of our graduation time.

I'm sorry.. I know it is off topic from your original post, but I felt it was still relevant, since the major is the point of contention between the people within your system.

Also, our compromise, was that each semester we take one history class, as that is what Britney truly loves. Last semester we took a sign language class instead of a history, because I was interested in it. So, in addition to us all agreeing on the one major, the ones who want to attend classes each get to do something they enjoy, and it keeps everyone happy and focused and working as a team.

Best of luck.

Delilah

hii, I was doubting between social sciences (so a combination of sociology and psychology) and Cognitive neuroscience (which is a combination of biology, psychology and philosophy). I started with writing down my opinion about cognitive neuroscience, since I think I preferred that one. I wrote down which subjects were in that major and what I thought about it, and when I got to the second subject I was like it sounds very hard but it is something I wanted to know more about for years. and then I got this impulse thought thing (I'm going to name him Brian because that's easier), who was like 'it sounds boring and like a lot of work'. so I was like 'yeah but I do want to know more about it and research it in my own time anyways, but Brian didn't really like it and we talked a bit about it and decided that we don't really have a clear opinion about it.

Then i got to the third subject, which was about psychology of language and how that influences emotions and behavior. and suddenly this third source of thought joined into the conversation (i don't have a name for her, so i'll just call her 'the girl'), she got super exited about the subject. One major part of that course is that it also focuses on academic skills and presentations, so i was a bit nervous for that since i hate presenting and it sometimes gives me panic attacks, but the girl wrote back that it's uni so they'll teach academic skills in every major and that she will help me with presenting if that is necessary, and that it's presenting in groups so that i won't have to do it alone and try to get me to feel more positive about the subject, which was really nice and did help me make up my mind. then after that brian kind of interrupted my writing and said that he thinks the subject is interesting and that he would want to do it as well

The fourth subject of that major is about history and philosophy, which made Brian get really exited about it. also i found out that the only other time i can remember seeing his handwriting was during the history classes in high school, so i guess he likes history? idk this is very new to me.

after that i wrote the thing about not really believing it, because it felt like everything was going too easy and too fast and i just felt like i was faking it, which caused Brian and the girl to go away and give me a really bad headache. So i wasn't really able to get their opinion on the other subjects or the whole of the second major. today i also can't really reach them. i tried writing things and meditating, but the impulse thought things just aren't there, which is kind of confusing.

I think i'll major in cognitive neuroscience, but i still don't really know. i can't do both or combine them, since i already have a really hard time with the amount of classes i have in one major and then adding more to that will not go well. also, i talked to my friend about it and he doesn't think neuroscience will be a smart choice for me, since i'm kind of sensitive when people talk about mental illnesses, and in that major we have a class that is only about brain dysfunction. he does have a point, but my main problem with it is that people were extremely ignorant and triggering when we had classes about depression or anterogade amnesia last year. like we spent two hours discussing that people who are depressed don't want kids, and then these people just made these ignorant assumptions, that i just couldn't handle. and also the other thing that made it bad for me is that i can identify so much with the people of those case studies, but i don't have a diagnosis for anything yet, which is what made me sad, and then the ignorant assumptions don't really help. but when i'm outside of classes i do find those illnesses so interesting and i do want to learn more about it, but then from people who do know what they are talking about and can tell their story in a way that makes it sound normal and unstigmatized. so, that's kind of the main reason why i'm still doubting about it...

Also, can someone explain to me how the name thing works? like i was writing yesterday and i looked at the words i had written in a weird handwriting and suddenly my head went like 'Brian' so now when i see that handwriting i just identify that with that name, but i have no idea where i got that from. i don't know a brian and it's not really a name i would think of when someone asks me to say the first name that pops in my head, not even if it's in the category of male names starting with a B. it just seems so strange to me. also, when the little girl was laughing in my head yesterday after i asked who was talking i got this very clear picture of a little girl in my head and the name 'Rose'. but i don't understand and everything about it is so specific. Rose isn't really a girl name that i hear a lot, and when i do hear it it's spelled as 'Roos', since i'm dutch, but when i tried to write it down, that way of spelling it just seemed so wrong to me, and i don't know why. is this a normal thing? or am i just making this up in a very weird way? everything is just so confusing at the moment, i really can't wait until i have a good t.

What about majoring in one, and minoring in the other?

The name thing... Well, of the first three "others" that presented themselves, they hadn't given themselves names. My husband and I were discussing a name for the little (the first one to present) and I said, Lillian and my husband said "I was going to say Lilly," and I could feel Lilly's approval at the name, so that's how she got hers.

Britney always just thought of herself as the trouble making brat who always wanted to have fun. Again, husband gave her a name, and she loved it.

Delilah, when husband asked, "Who are you?" Said, "i'm she who does what needs to be done." He was like, "Alrighty then. Do you want a name?" She said, "That would be lovely, thank you." so he thought for a few days and then asked her what she thought of Delilah. She said. "It will do." LOL

Next came Little Wolf. *shrugs* that's just how she thought of herself, so that's what we call her.

And then there's Val... Val... *sigh* She surprised my husband one morning and he said, "I know you're none of them, who are you?" And she said, "You can call me Val." *shrug* No idea where she came up with it. But later I thought, out of curiosity "I should look up what that name means." And in all it's forms, Val, Valentine, Valerie, Valla... they all mean "Strength." And she sees herself as a protector. So... Alrighty then. She later let us know her full name is Valentine. It's unisex, and even though we all think of her as "she," she thinks of herself as neither gender. But I'm not comfortable saying, "it."

Kitten

It's unfortunate but it possible that any future classes you have in psychology would teach inaccurate information and if it's a subject you want to study that could become difficult especially if you know what your being taught is inaccurate.

Names are different for everyone I think. We had rules against naming ourselves or talking to each other. We got told when we were about 8 we were to old for imaginary friends and so Z made the rules to stop us getting in trouble.

Anyway when we started to communicate it quickly got confusing so I asked if we could have different names. Z was very opposed to that but agreed it would make things easier. So Z is our birth name because she thinks all the fuss about names is wasted effort and it is our name (her thoughts not mine.)

Me and the last Nyx are nyx we have been using it as a nickname for years now and like it more then the birth name which everyone except Z hates.

Pixie chose Nixie The Pixie because she wants (I think it's wanted now she has changed a lot) to be a Pixie.

Nixie started panicking when we asked her and that made Pixie feel sorry for her so she said she would share her name and gave her the Nixie part.

Backup told us she is backup when we asked her who she is (what she is I think might be more accurate) I think it's her job rather then her name.

Big ZuZu didn't have a name either and couldn't think of one and just kept saying she needed one to me and Ozalces and eventually he said Big ZuZu would suit her and she really liked it.

ItsJustUs wrote:What about majoring in one, and minoring in the other?

that seems like a good idea I guess, but luckily I don't have to think about a minor just yet so I still have time for that


also about the Val thing, maybe you can refer to 'it' as 'they', it's also not gender specific and it sounds a lot nicer than it. also, it can be very invalidating for someone if others keep using the wrong pronouns even after you told them that you really don't identify that way. I don't really know you or your system, but maybe you can try and talk to Val about what she wants her pronouns to be or what seems comfortable to her, because in the end you'll probably get used to it and it might improve the relationship between you if she feels a bit more validated?

NyxX wrote:t's unfortunate but it possible that any future classes you have in psychology would teach inaccurate information and if it's a subject you want to study that could become difficult especially if you know what your being taught is inaccurate.

yeah that's true, but also choosing to study something else because i'm scared, doesn't really seem like the right choice? it's like i'll study the thing I actually want to learn more about and being afraid of not liking some aspects of it, or doing something safe that I know I wont enjoy that much and don't really care that much about. Idk I feel like i'm waiting for someone that knows me or my situation to tell me that i'm making the right choice, but that's not going to happen and I don't feel stable enough to make big decisions like that on my own, so i'm kind of stuck at the moment. I mean how am I supposed to make big life decisions when i'm doing that while also writing the voices in my head, and doubting whether i'm even alone in my body at all. I just don't feel justified making decisions like this, when I feel like i'm also making the decision for many other people who don't get a say in it, which makes this situation a bit hard for me I guess..

also, I feel like I switch between fully believing in this thing and completely denying it every couple of minutes and it's so hard, and it makes me feel really bad. hearing Rose's laugh yesterday made me so happy, because it was like this small confirmation that this is real and i'm not crazy and making it up, but today I can't reach anyone and all the impulse thought thingies are gone and I don't know why, which really helps with me denying everything again...

Sometimes there isn't a right or wrong choice. I try to make decisions based on if I think things are worth the price you have to pay to do them. So is majoring in a subject you are interested in worth having to bite your tongue when you know the professor is talking out of there arse. If I felt that what I gained was worth it then to me I would want to do it.

Not being able to hear the others could be related to your denial. Denial can act as a wall between you. Acceptance makes a massive difference when it comes to communication. I don't really have any advice for how to get to a place of acceptance however.

I signed up for cognitive neuroscience, and I really hope it will be the right choice, but I'm really scared. I had until tonight to sign up for my second year, since I will be going on vacation tomorrow and I almost had a panic attack thinking about having to make that choice now.. then I kind of went on auto pilot and signed up. I still feel very shakey and stressed out, but I hope that'll become less soon..

also, I talked to my friend about the voices I heard yesterday, since I got brians permission. At first he thought it was a bit strange and didn't get what I was talking about, but then after I explained everything he got really supportive and was like i'm happy that you can have conversations now instead of pushing it away, since he believed that to be progress. i'm really happy I have him to support me right now, because I'm really not able to do this alone.

I'm glad you have someone supportive and I hope you enjoy your major