Can/How do illicit drugs affect DID?

I honestly didn't even want to post this but I have no idea where else to go, and if anyone has had a similar experience/knows anything about this subject than it was worth it.

Basically I was "softly" diagnosed around 18 I think with DID. (Softly as in T told me that's what she believed but it wasn't on my record or whatever.) (I'm now quite a bit older) Eventually did get "legit" diagnosed. Well basically a bunch of crap happened, I ignored everything for a long time, and I starting using meth a few months ago. Meth has done some strange things to me, beyond what seems to be the norm for other people.

1) I have always had some serious fort knox style barriers in place, and filters, in my mind. Can't access or see sh*t, can't say things because brain says not allowed and literally doesn't let me, etc. Well, meth knocked them down. It let in some things I've never seen or experienced before. Actual pieces of flashback, information, etc. It forced my brain to be "open," basically. Confessed everything to the T. Used on and off after that, never more than like 3 days in a row, most days got at least 4-5 hours sleep.

Then we come to the other day. At a new T, relationship with her was rocky at first, but it got much better, and today was the first day that I have experienced this COMPLETE LACK OF CONTROL. Yes, I was slightly high on meth. To my knowledge, this has NEVER happened to me before then. EVER. I know I've "switched" before many effing times, BUT NEVER LIKE THIS. Never being able to mostly see everything, BUT JUST HAVE COMPLETE ZERO lack of control! I was not able to do anything!!! I had no idea what was happening or why. She was saying things that I have no knowledge of, and on the drive home/when I got home, I was extremely confused and disoriented, like I was only "half" there until I eventually felt like "myself" again.

IS THIS THE METH AND I'M LITERALLY INSANE or has this drug somehow infiltrated the barriers that have always been up? It truly is like normally, I am in a two-way mirror where I am basically blind but everyone else can freaking spy on me, then on meth, the mirror is broken, and "others" are triggered much more easily, I suppose, and I RETAIN AWARENESS.

Has anyone else that has DID ever used meth, and if so, what happened/how did it effect you, or do you know anything about this subject?

Also, just for disclosure, OBVIOUSLY I am not in any way encouraging anyone to go do drugs. Don't be stupid like I am, we all have enough problems, lol.

Thank you for any replies...

I've never used meth but medication has effected me oddly. I was given painkillers in hospital a few years ago I can't remember which ones but they made me disoriented and the rigid compartmentlisation I'd always kept in my mind started to deteriorate so I refused to take them and they switched me to codeine.

I've has codeine a few times because I can't take NSAID they have never helped with pain but they do help me sleep. They are in fact the only think I have ever taken that actually helps me sleep.

I've also had an injection of sedatives for an endoscopy and a prescription for sedativesin pill form neither made me sleepy.

Anyway my point is drugs legal or otherwise can sometimes not have the normal effect.

Methamphetamine is well known for causing psychotic symptoms but you are not describing psychotic symptoms. (Are you holding back?) I have not ever heard that it is any good for increasing internal communication in someone with DID.

My suspicion would be the anomalous experience you are having now is down to your T not the drug. Sounds like your T has been talking through. Do you lose time?

NyxX: Thank you for your reply. I've done a number of recreational drugs and this has never happened before!


Una+ : Stimulant psychosis usually only happens with meth when people don't sleep, but I've never gone through that. I still sleep fairly well, eat ok, etc, so I've never experienced psychotic symptoms on it. You know I actually hadn't considered my new T might have played a factor. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 12 and freaking none of it has done a dang thing for me. Yet somehow this lady who I initially didn't even like, was possibly able to trigger someone out of me? My "symptoms" have gotten a lot more...LOUD, over time, recently. I spent a year with my last T and right before she referred me out, was when my "symptoms" started ramping up. So perhaps it is just the way things are going now, and it's not from the drug. I don't know Yes I lose time, both due to dissociation and when I get high. I didn't start using meth until a few months ago, but I've been dealing with this dissociation/DID sh*t for much much longer....


After that happened with my T, I took a nap that evening, and when I woke up, things were different in my head. I had been falling into addiction, yet somehow it was suddenly gone now. Haven't touched it since then, and I feel like myself before I ever first used it. Strange, really. Like I've reset to a different time. That experience really shook me, it was so unreal but so real at the same time. I almost don't want to go see her next week. I don't now, I'm feeling f*cking weird. I was so "normal" for such a long span of time, due to fiercely ignoring and burying everything. And the the SECOND you pay any attention to any of it, everything starts happening again. I have been going through this stupid cycle for YEARS. Ignore/deny, think life is normal and fine again, boom no it's not, "it's" all still there. Rinse, repeat.

-- Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:41 pm --

What does "talking through" mean?

Hi,

Talking through is like when a T talks to the Host but is really talking to somebody inside who can't get out right then (or maybe doesn't want to). We can pretty much hear our T even when Host is in front.

Sounds to us like you're progressing in therapy - which can make things really weird for a while. Doing some super calm things helps us. There's like A LOT of stress when there's progress even if your host doesn't feel it.

Good luck,

Iain

Here is a DID Forum thread all about talking through:

How do you to talk through the host to an insider?

Oh wow. It's always been a huge trigger for me when someone attempts to communicate to someone inside. Thank you for linking that thread. I typically avoid these forums as much as possible because I'm so into ignoring everything, but I'm giving that one a read. Now I feel silly that I didn't think it might be because I'm actually making progress somehow for the first time ever. Why do they like this T though? Or rather, why does one specific one like her? I miss my old T, she was my favorite, and I wish I could go back to her, but she said she isn't qualified to treat me :/ This new one is not as good as her, at least that's how I feel subjectively. Perhaps objectively she is more effective.... Ugh.

It was so weird. This sort of thing seems to happen when I start losing control of my emotions. She will say something, and something starts bubbling up but I refuse to let it out, so then it's forced out by someone. I don't really have any negative emotions, only when triggered... sh*t. I'm scared If I ignore and deny everything, I'm able to at least somewhat live. But I guess that doesn't work out super well, as I turn to bad things to cope. But what if I start trying and everything gets worse and I lose all the control I have a white knuckle grip on and refuse to lose? I have severe control issues!! It messed me up to feel that I lost that of my OWN BODY.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Thank you for replying, you guys. Everything is just so different now. I don't understand it

Yup. Many of us here, including me, have been there, done that.

Losing control is not the end of the world; you are not the only part capable of coping so you don't have to be in control all the time.

Hi,

Hosts are all into control. That's what they do so other people don't find out and get weird about the whole thing. So when new feelings and ideas show up in therapy hosts can really start to panic (our totally lost it for a while). Host thought he was going crazy when he was just communicating with us more and letting us help him. But it's less control so he got really really weird about it. Finally he got over it and we're doing better now.

Iain

Well dang. I just got home from probably the best therapy session I've ever had in my life. (And with the freaking amount I've had that's really saying something!)

I think perhaps you guys may be right. I think maybe I'm actually finally making progress. (I still my drugs help but I mean, you know whatever lol)

I just needed to write this down so it isn't lost.


I definitely didn't trust this therapist in the beginning, and kind of didn't even like her much really. I missed my old therapist, and she seemed more cold to me. But somebody DID trust her, at least a little, and I guess that helped me trust her too. Every single time I've ever tried to let a therapist in and talk about anything at all related to dissociation, I either shut down myself or someone else shut me down. I physically and mentally couldn't ever face it with any of them. But somehow, I just sat in her office and I let her in. I didn't even want to stop letting in her, but the stupid session ended.

And you know how I felt when I let her in? Semi-COMFORTABLE. It was still extremely hard for me, but I actually DID IT. And she really impressed me, too, with how she handled what I was telling her. She never made me feel like a liar, or stupid, or damaged. I felt like she understood me, and accepted me. And she seems to be really knowledgeable about this stuff too, which no other therapist really was. She understands I'm a highly visual learner and has utilized that to help me understand things. I really misjudged her in the beginning. It's funny how a therapist was probably one of your least liked that you've seen turned into the best one for your mental health. And apparently she isn't even the "best" ? Since I was referred out to a woman I am on a waiting list for. So that really gives me hope, that I am on the right track to finally...FINALLY..LIVING. Living and not surviving, which is all I've ever done.

The session also showed me that no matter how hard or often I ignore what I don't want to face, that doesn't make it go away. It's all still there. And that's really hard. But when I get sent to the past like that, she is teaching me how to come back, and how to actually be in "control" the way that I want/need to. I always think that I'm always in control, but I'm just not and it's hard to admit that to myself. I've never learned how to stop dissociation related things from happening in the first place, I just wake up on the other side when it's over. I hope I can learn how to do that in therapy.

This session was really incredible to me, and I feel in my heart it was so important. I am a MASTER at completely 100% ignoring everything but my daily life, mostly by thrusting myself into the work I need to do on my farm. But in therapy, she is able to guide me into my real issues, and then she "grounds" me or whatever so I can re-focus onto the present and get back to myself, in essence. I didn't tell her but maybe she figured it out, but that time I saw her and didn't come back until I got home was really messed up and hard for me. So maybe that's why today she made sure that "I" was there and...lucid, or whatever, before I left. I really appreciated that a lot. Made a huge difference, because I realized that I absolutely can't face all of this by myself, and if I don't have her (or the new lady I will see in the future) support, I will fall apart in bad ways. Right now, I need my hand held, at least until I learn to walk on my own.


It was really tough looking into myself and telling her these things. Forgive me for the word vomit but I'm just a little in shock to be honest. I guess I always thought if I really let a therapist in, it would be really bad. But it wasn't bad? I don't think she even realizes how the way she handled our session today impacted me so positively.

The therapist that I am on a waiting list for, I have given them permission to speak with my current one so that makes the transition easier, and my current therapist right now is basically helping me to build coping skills, so that when I transfer to the new lady, I will have techniques to help me when we start real work delving into our life. I am very grateful she is teaching me these things, because the only coping skills I've ever had were just bad and unhealthy to say the least, lol. I'm actually learning a lot with this woman, not just about myself but practical things. I thought she was cold in the beginning, but she's just more intellectual, which is what I like the most about myself anyway, so weird how I misinterpreted that! I think I loved my old therapist so much because she felt like my "friend" but that wasn't helping me. I needed someone that can be "friendLY but also the professional in the situation that can actually help me learn what I need to learn.

Starting to feel all weird now so I'm refocus and make a list of what I need to finish up today on the farm. Glad I got this all out while I could. Think I might finally be able to have hope. Not desperately clinging to the side of the boat, not anymore...

-- Thu Jul 19, 2018 3:23 pm --

One last thing before I go...today showed me that I have way more work ahead of me than I ever expected. I already can feel, see, and know it's gonna be hard as heck. Absolutely insane the things you can forget or be oblivious to...