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Better or Worse?

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Better or Worse?

Postby Lightfire » Wed May 16, 2018 8:20 pm

Hey guys. I've protected my host for years but now that he's able to handle things alone I'm wondering, would it be better if I integrate/disappear? He mentioned that there's things I do that he doesn't like and it makes others question us about them. I try to act like him when I front but I mess up at times. I'm worried that I'm making things worse for him and would like to know if I am or not from people that are similar before I make any plans.

Weird question I know but I can't ask singletons about any of this.
Crimson: Co-Host/Protector
Azure: Host/Sentinel
We shattered the one way mirror.
Lightfire
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Efragment » Wed May 16, 2018 8:30 pm

Hey man, don't beat yourself up! You've done so much, and you still are doing the best you can; it shows; hats off! Every part means just as much to the whole, don't forget how you feel about this. Seems communication is going well, if you can work things out and integrate that would be great, if all of you want that.
37f

Out: EA(f, ?, host, caretaker), Robin(f, straight, problem fixer), Bart(m, straight, SJW, blunt)

ER(m, asexual, theory, integrity), DV(gf, pansexual, trained)

In: Claire, Peter(informed caretakers), Br(EP's/artists)

DV, 2
Robin, 4
EA, 5
DV, 6
Oliver, 7
ER, 9
DV, 9
EA, 10
ER, 12
Bart, 13
Robin, 18

Hawk
Pitbull
Efragment
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Posts: 257
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Lightfire » Wed May 16, 2018 9:11 pm

That's the thing: I'm a female alter in a body with a straight host. We both like women but certain things I do are feminine. That's the reason I even brought it up. I'm beginning to feel like I'm in the way and it's bothering me. Maybe I'm just overthinking things but I know that I have caused involuntary movements while he's fronting and I'm concerned about how the people around us perceive us.

Neither of us want to integrate yet but if I'm doing more harm then good then I might have to do it for the greater good.
Crimson: Co-Host/Protector
Azure: Host/Sentinel
We shattered the one way mirror.
Lightfire
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 64
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:41 pm
Local time: Sun May 20, 2018 12:26 pm
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby kittenspuppies » Wed May 16, 2018 9:53 pm

My guess is the reason the host is more comfortable with his feelings because he separated off his feminine traits into you.

If one of your purposes is to allow the host not to feel at all feminine - then trying to disappear might just make the host more aware of those feelings in himself.

I don't know what specific mannerisms are making the host uncomfortable, but I don't think there is anything wrong at all with being a straight man and having a feminine side. I am female but I''m sure I have traits that might seem masculine at times.

If you and the host can both experience each other's feelings, then maybe the two of you could come up with a solution that all of you can be comfortable with.
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Lightfire » Wed May 16, 2018 10:48 pm

He's mainly concerned about how I walk. If I don't think about it then it'll just happen. I'm not doing it on purpose. Also if I relax my vocal chords my voice comes out feminine. That's what he's most concerned about. He wants me around but he hates those things about me. Things are hard enough without me adding on to it.
Crimson: Co-Host/Protector
Azure: Host/Sentinel
We shattered the one way mirror.
Lightfire
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 64
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:41 pm
Local time: Sun May 20, 2018 12:26 pm
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Efragment » Thu May 17, 2018 8:34 am

Lightfire wrote:That's the thing: I'm a female alter in a body with a straight host. We both like women but certain things I do are feminine. That's the reason I even brought it up. I'm beginning to feel like I'm in the way and it's bothering me. Maybe I'm just overthinking things but I know that I have caused involuntary movements while he's fronting and I'm concerned about how the people around us perceive us.

Neither of us want to integrate yet but if I'm doing more harm then good then I might have to do it for the greater good.


Really sorry for assuming you are male. It's because your tone of voice, what makes me think you are trying hard to act the same as your host? Or is this really you? I think for now it doesn't really matter whý you are here, but that you are here and you have every right to be here.

Here it's the other way around; I'm male, the body is female and so is the previous host. Whenever there was trauma, which happend a lot because of also bad relationships, ER or (mostly) I would front for a while. Because of that, Robin wondered if she was transgender a lot. Confusing times.

Anyway, the new host respects all genderidentities and even tries to dress the body in ways we can all agree on:) I don't know where you live, but like kittensuppie says, it's totally normal to have both traits. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. By accepting you, your host will have to accept more of the DID, which will change his life; I think thát's the, to him, scary part, and not your femininity.

And Azure is very lucky to have you; I think it's great that you are thinking this through. But don't supress yourself, I'd try to find something that will work for the bóth of you.
37f

Out: EA(f, ?, host, caretaker), Robin(f, straight, problem fixer), Bart(m, straight, SJW, blunt)

ER(m, asexual, theory, integrity), DV(gf, pansexual, trained)

In: Claire, Peter(informed caretakers), Br(EP's/artists)

DV, 2
Robin, 4
EA, 5
DV, 6
Oliver, 7
ER, 9
DV, 9
EA, 10
ER, 12
Bart, 13
Robin, 18

Hawk
Pitbull
Efragment
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:45 pm
Local time: Sun May 20, 2018 7:26 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Better or Worse?

Postby LadySlippers » Thu May 17, 2018 11:47 am

I don’t know who’s who . But I do know this body is female and there are many male parts. I do know someone wanted “ sexual reassignment “ surgery which freaked me out. Like am I supposed to do this to be true to us?

But no-I’m good at making clothes choices sometimes on different days sometimes blending things in one day.
I remember once I stopped speaking because I could feel a male voice was about to come out of my mouth .

You’re doing well . Be gentle with yourselves .
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Lightfire » Thu May 17, 2018 2:26 pm

I try hard to copy him when we're in public because I have to. You guys know that it's a double standard right? If you're a male alter in a female body most people won't say anything but a female alter in a male body is a real problem to most. My host already accepted me years ago and he knows how lucky he is to have me. He promised me that he'll never try to force me out no matter what.

I have to suppress who I am because if I don't and someone says something stupid we're gonna end up in jail. One day we overheard a family member say, "he walks like a girl." after that I became concerned. The places we lived in are no places for the weak.

The things we been through in recent months took a heavy toll on us and Azure has been getting worse overall and more unpredictable after recent events. I just don't want to be the reason he goes over the edge.
Crimson: Co-Host/Protector
Azure: Host/Sentinel
We shattered the one way mirror.
Lightfire
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 64
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:41 pm
Local time: Sun May 20, 2018 12:26 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Better or Worse?

Postby LadySlippers » Thu May 17, 2018 3:43 pm

I’m so sorry . There is a double standard for sure .
Are you somewhere safer or more accepting now?
Be well . Be safe
LadySlippers
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Re: Better or Worse?

Postby Lightfire » Thu May 17, 2018 4:27 pm

The problems we're dealing with now are pretty bad even by our standards. That's enough for it's own topic. We're safe for now, but we might not be later. That's another reason I've been second guessing myself, I can't think of how to escape our problems. That led me to believe that maybe I'm not fit to be Azure's protector anymore. Thank you for your replies and your support.
Crimson: Co-Host/Protector
Azure: Host/Sentinel
We shattered the one way mirror.
Lightfire
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 64
Joined: Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:41 pm
Local time: Sun May 20, 2018 12:26 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

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