Discovering paterns. TW. Process, MC/RA

Our artists made a topic, asking for help because they don't know what to do next. It was a sensitive topic, so I removed it. I'm sorry if people were just getting ready to respond.

When they 'do their job', we often have a lot of nasty ptsd/dissociative stuff happening, physically. So we aren't always ready for that. The art is often very depressed, intense, intimate. While cleaning the house was happening (thank you Bart, for going through the chores like a storm! I noticed he was gone when I felt the need to put on very different music, and took over the cleaning; teamwork right there), I suddenly thought of a solution; they can write and illustrate innocent fairytales for the young parts and maybe even publish that! We'll just have to find a new 'scene' when the time is right, might they still feel the need to go public with their stuff. That might have something to do with never being acknowledged by the family and, even worse; us. The active parts. All these years, we've never kept any 'proof' of it in the house, pretending they just did not exist. At first I thought this was because we were 'trained' to never have the right to be authentic, but it ofcourse also had a lot to do with denying the DID and therefore confrontational stuff from other parts. We also never kept pictures of us and only Robin would look in a mirror when she absolutely had to, for example. Too confusing.

Feeling quite euphoric about this, because I'm so aware of these young parts who I absolutely don't want to neglect, but I'm having a real hard time 'becoming them' when they front. So I truelly hope this will help. Win win:)

Am I upset? Oh yes. Turns out that Robin and I were the slaves of the main abuser who called herself our mother. The pitbull is linked to me. I was her bodyguard and I did all the chores around the house. Where ever I was, because I wasn't welcome at home when there was nothing for me to do for her; when she'd blow that f*cking wistle, I'd drop everything I was doing, went to the store for her and cooked dinner. In the beginning I was so little the bottle of port was heavy.

She faked an illness to collect wellfair, and she was proud of that. There goes her little secret. She's been faking it for thirty years. She'd send me to boyfriends who ran away from her to tell them she might be dying soon and to 'give them the chance to say sorry'. And I would always do that. Guess why she was so sick? Because of me. I was slowly killing her, was her story, by being a monster, a beast, a psychopath. She'd say that every single day. To our family, to our teatchers, to her friends and even to our friends and partners, later in life. She chased éveryone away from us. She'd even block us on Facebook to be able to hit on our contacts and gossip about us. ER wasn't the only one who was abused psychologically. I don't know what they did with him, something with the brain. She knew exactly what buttons to push to call for a part to destroy or put to work. The DV's are linked to Robin, who always had sex with who ever wanted her. She'd feel greatful when a man was interested in something else than the body and 'her skills'. 'No' just did not exist in her vocabulary; she was very unhappy. And so was I, and so was ER. And so were the artists, who had to promise her to never 'mention' her in their work, when she started to notice it was a thing. Not because she was interested in their activities, but because a family member read about it in the newspaper. On top of that she made me promise to make sure nobody would have a speech on her funeral, because it might be something negative. Crazyness..

I ran away when we were 14, right after a surgery we had for a condition she created, and we almost died because of complications. Second time she tried to get rid of us. We still have a lot of medical problems academic hospitals are totally in the dark about. We know what's wrong and why, but if we tell, they'll think we're crazy. We were poisoned a lot and they messed with our hormones. One of the traumatic events that caused this crisis, was another big and complicated surgery. We know we are sick, and it's bad. And they did it.

In between the treatments and sexslave training in holidays, this was our daily life. There are NO good parts to clinge on to, to make parts for who still believe she actually loved us. And still there are parts who feel guilty, who think that we were making her life so miserable, who think we have to do better.

When I ran away we were very skinny, pale, etc. We were very hungry and lonely. And because she ofcourse knew cues, we were still her slaves up until we were in our thirties, doing all of her chores. She tried to send Robin to the group with our daughter, when she was just born. She didn't know why, but she knéw we should not do that, so she didn't. The main abuser tried to get rid of us many times, I think because a lot of programming failed. We are too strong!!!

All we did, up until the day she moved in with her boyfriend, was; protecting our daughter from this. Robin wasn't the best mother and a lousy housewife, but she kept the sex far, far away from her. It did not exist at home, just like our art. We truelly did have seperate lives!! I wasn't the best mother.. but I protected her always. ALWAYS. And I get along with her friends. She has lovely friends, for years now. ER was and is the 'intellectual and caring, soft parent'. He talks to her mostly, asking her how she is, advicing her when she asks for it; we really love her, we support her in every decision she makes, we think she's doing GREAT and she knows it. She doesn't know about this, and as far as we're concerend, she never will. Her life is very uncomplicated and normal. We think we broke the circle. Our younger sister is an exact copy of the main abuser; faking illness for wellfair, humiliating people, thinking she is superiour. She was one of our abusers. She's a psychopath as well. This was one of the hardest things to discover and accept. We always felt very guilty towards her because she ofcourse also called me a monster, daily. We thought we were, and that she was the nice one. It was the other way around.

This is my reality and I do not have to be ashamed. I did not ask for this. I did not cause any of this. And, just like any other human being, I am allowed to talk about it.

Peace.

Bart needed to vent. I completely understand that. Robin did the talking mostly, with others, so he was hardly ever heard. It's not enough for him when I hear him. I also understand that.

Important thing; since he always did the chores for the main abuser, I think we need to give him a break ASAP. I'll do the cleaning and fixing around the house from now on. Let's see what he would actually LIKE, to do.

These aren't big steps maybe, but they feel huge to us. Finding out who we are and what we like, and break free from the programs.

Robin is done with sex and socializing, Bart on the other hand is starting to see how beautiful women are, for the first time in his life; he never had 'sexuality'. It just wasn't there. He sometimes even flirts, carefully, and that makes him very happy:) It's strange, but he doesn't mind we have a female body, and people see us as such. Who knows, maybe 'he''s actually a lesbian! Just the other day we were having a drink with my daughter, and she told us the waitress was checking us out; that actually made Bart nervous And I have the feeling I like men

I suddenly get the thought that Bart and Robin want to integrate. Or maybe Robin was just a fragment? Was she supposed to be the shell these kind of abusers aim at? They go for DDNOS to not make anyone suspicous. One kind of meaningless ANP who blends in society, and a huge inside world of slaves and other trained parts who only front when called for. Alters who DON'T have their own life. Was that the big mistake they made? That this is DID in stead? I had the feeling before that we dissociated more than allowed, sometimes. We had to STAY WITH THEM. DID was our only defence. How to punish a child who dissociates more than you want without making it dissociate? Hmmmm. *Edit; guess that's why she tried to get rid of us a few times, and when that didn't work out, make us look crazy.

Robin didn't do the jobs.. ER and Bart did, she did the talking.. She didn't do the art, she promoted it.. We thank Robin for her communicationskills! And ER and I definitely are the mother. I never fronted anywhere but at home after we left the family, and before this crisis. Neither did ER. And it's so clear that I'm connected somehow to ER. From the very beginning all kinds of insiders were telling us that ER is the key. He built the system while nobody was watching. The hawk is linked to him. Oh my, I suddenly 'remember' ER had a photographic memory when we were young. Hence the skipping classes while being worn out at home. We never did any homework because we had to work.

First things first; build a new life in a comfortable home. We have a really nice appartment and never made it ours. We just did not know how:( Doing it now!

Well, dear silent readers, wishing you a great day!

Big stuff happening.

An introject from team Bart tried to isolate us, telling us this isn't the place to write about this because everybody is giving us the silent treatment now we're opening up. How, even amongst fellow survivors, our history and damage is taboo or at least making people uncomfortable. How heartbreaking it is that we show so much support and try to connect with people and on our turn get backs turned on us.

I got emotional at first, thought this was Bart himself speaking and I didn't agree but I didn't want to supress anything. So I suggested to make a blog instead so he wouldn't be confronted with this anymore.

Then I started realizing this might be an attempt to, like mentioned before, isolate us, from within. I decided to not make te blog and right after that, got extremely tired. Not 'normal tired', but 'can't even move my body' tired. I truelly think that was some kind of punishment for not isolating ourselves even more.

Got to the couch, closed my eyes, and what happens everytime when I try to sleep happend then as well; WIDE AWAKE. Sometimes even in a sleeping body with my eyes closed. It feels like curtains opening and this kind of brightness you don't want when you're feeling sleepy. Or when you just did.

Another new decicion; asked inside if it was a part or a program, preventing me from sleeping. And then I heard this robot-like thought saying; program.

This was so new!! Then I asked; why? And it said; never rest.

A Br started laughing again. Totally insane, all of this!! I asked if we could stop that because the brain needs sleep. And BAM, the curtains closed and we slept for an hour!

When I woke up ER was feeling really euphoric, like we took a stand against a lot and made progress. I think that's true, because I went outside to take a walk, felt fit and happy; people were smiling, we were smiling back, it was lovely outside in the sun, and all of the sudden three big secrets from the group popped in my thoughts. Secrets that can put them in jail. Not mentioning them here, but it's big, it's new to me, and I know it's true. It's like a we opened something up, and we are still safe.

I think the robot-like thought came from the hawk. And I think we got to communicate because I mentioned him here, in public, recognizing his existence.

So, I hereby celebrate the existence of all the Robin's, all the Bart's, all the ER's, all the me's, all the DV's, all the Br's, the hawk, the pitbull, Claire, Oliver, Peter, all the introjects; we'll figure something out, and who knows who else. They are all ours and I welcome every single one of them.

Hi Efragment I'm sorry you're hurt no one has responded. That's a terrible feeling that you've been there for others then they turn their back. The forum seems kind of slow and people are busy I guess. It just didn't occur to me there was anything I could say that could be supportive. Nothing that traumatized me broke the law. The medical community probably wouldn't believe me either if I said I developed auditory processing disorder from verbal abuse.

myce, how nice of you, thank you! I thought that was 'introject' talking, trying to manipulate me away from a place that feels good, just like the old days, but I just felt something feeling great comfort because of your words. Confusing but warming; thank you. So maybe it was Bart after all, and a manipulative introject grabbing that chance, or something. Because I myself don't think everybody's turning their back. First of all, this is a 'TW' topic, second, the content is unusual, even out here (unfortunately), third; yes, the forum is slow and we all have our big issues. And last but not least; no obligations. I don't support to get something back.

Auditory processing disorder. That's no laughing matter:( And oh yes, the 'amount' of abuse that causes DID, causes (also) plain neurological damage.

I'm seeing you figuring out your system more as well. Welcome Sentinel!:)

And thanks again.

*Edit; yes, it was Bart first; hé was always there for the abusers, and théy turned their backs; that was his EP talking. And the introject (because I also felt the face mimicking the main abuser) grabbed that chance to prevent us from making progress. Because this site helps. Bigtime.

Quite the learningprocess, this all is.

I am reading also, but don't really know what to say.

Trigger warning, physical and sexual abuse, possible MC

Except that once I got the idea about all what happened to us was actually just one big thing, not many separate. That maybe we have experienced something similar. Just not that severe. That maybe the man who came to our home as mom's new SO were there not for her but for us. And he broke us to the point he could, knew we had no-one and we needed to escape from our home. And then came the rescue guy we had sex with. And we were already alone, willing to please and already guilty. Because we were punished for having such a look men would want us, and it's our fault. He (the physical abuser) hurt us from the places we should not be touched by men.

But the one we had sex with was the one who comforted us and told it was wrong we were hurt. And he wanted to comfort where we were hurt. But he wanted us and he was so safe. And we learned it is OK to be wanted, that's safe. It is the only time we are safe. It is our fault but we are safe, for that moment. But afterwards we are not safe anywhere else.

We still feel that way. We need to be wanted in order to be safe. The only time I feel free is when having sex. It's a proof someone is on our side, and there's no enemies around.

That is how Aleksis think. Elias and the so called whore boys from his side think differently, they are the ones who were born from physical abuse and blaming. They don't want to be wanted. It scares them to death. They are the ones who will have all punishments.

I've thought about it sometimes. He (the physical abuser) never blamed us being gay. It is kind of weird. He blamed us being "a walking pedophile trap", and we should not be one. So if he just hated our looks, wouldn't it be more normal to say we are too gay, because we were too pretty. Our face was too pretty for a boy. But no, we were not too gay. We were too whore and too the kind gays would like. Pedophiles. The word gay was never mentioned. And I feel it's weird. Like there's something lacking.

We were accused for exact things that happened after the accusing started.

Or maybe we just don't remember it right.

But I know there are still boys in the beds I haven't looked at. And I think trey're with different men. For them I'm not ready yet.

But if that is the story I don't know why he didn't sell our sister too. She's really pretty. I'm happy he didn't, but don't understand why.

Maybe someone wanted just a boy. Maybe we were specially ordered.

But we had so much good in our life when our dad was still alive, we couldn't be broken enough to not figure things out. And we were not so helpless we appeared to be. Our sister was forced to see all the torture and there's so much anger in her, she can play the game too and have no remorse.

I've been thinking, even that we thought at the time we were the victim, she experienced the worst part. She holds all the anger. I don't know if I was able to stop myself from murdering anyone if I've been the one watching her being tortured.

I don't know if that is the truth, or just me thinking afterwards, linking separate things together as they were one story.

I also always feel people will see and think I had sex with my dad, if I mention him. And I do not remember anything like that happening ever. I may be just making up traumas never took place in reality. Or actually I don't consider it as a trauma. Maybe it's because we felt safe with dad so we think we needed to have sex, cause otherwise we couldn't feel so. But maybe we weren't like this back then.

I don't care if he (the man we had sex with) payed to get to see us. But we can't cope if there were other boys for him too. We would be so jealous. We want to be his only one, just like he told us. We can't cope if nothing was real and we were worth nothing.

Maybe it was mom who sold us, not the man. He just prepared us.

Just wanted to share. I would like to help, but there's nothing I can say really. Don't know about this stuff. But we want you to know we read and we are on your side.

Hi

I just wanted to say - I'm reading and I can relate. To what the OP wrote and also to what PlanetIcarus wrote. Some things like that happended to us.
But I am unable to put our experiences into words yet. Maybe it isn't allowed.
Thank you for sharing!

Sol

PlanetIcarus wrote:I am reading also, but don't really know what to say.

I'm sorry if you felt pressure to respond. We had a big war, internally, last night. I was very moved by your comment, and immediately I was afraid that this was in an unhealthy way; as if I manipulated people to respond, by sharing the different feelings we had about people not doing that. I became pretty scared of myself. In the end, I think that's because this is breaking free. Sharing the experiences we were never supposed to share. Not because we did something wrong, but because they did. With us. We have the right to talk about that. And it's ok to feel lonely if it's too intense for others.

PlanetIcarus wrote:Trigger warning, physical and sexual abuse, possible MC

Except that once I got the idea about all what happened to us was actually just one big thing, not many separate. That maybe we have experienced something similar. Just not that severe. That maybe the man who came to our home as mom's new SO were there not for her but for us. And he broke us to the point he could, knew we had no-one and we needed to escape from our home. And then came the rescue guy we had sex with. And we were already alone, willing to please and already guilty. Because we were punished for having such a look men would want us, and it's our fault. He (the physical abuser) hurt us from the places we should not be touched by men.

But the one we had sex with was the one who comforted us and told it was wrong we were hurt. And he wanted to comfort where we were hurt. But he wanted us and he was so safe. And we learned it is OK to be wanted, that's safe. It is the only time we are safe. It is our fault but we are safe, for that moment. But afterwards we are not safe anywhere else.

We still feel that way. We need to be wanted in order to be safe. The only time I feel free is when having sex. It's a proof someone is on our side, and there's no enemies around.

That is how Aleksis think. Elias and the so called whore boys from his side think differently, they are the ones who were born from physical abuse and blaming. They don't want to be wanted. It scares them to death. They are the ones who will have all punishments.

I've thought about it sometimes. He (the physical abuser) never blamed us being gay. It is kind of weird. He blamed us being "a walking pedophile trap", and we should not be one. So if he just hated our looks, wouldn't it be more normal to say we are too gay, because we were too pretty. Our face was too pretty for a boy. But no, we were not too gay. We were too whore and too the kind gays would like. Pedophiles. The word gay was never mentioned. And I feel it's weird. Like there's something lacking.

We were accused for exact things that happened after the accusing started.

Or maybe we just don't remember it right.

But I know there are still boys in the beds I haven't looked at. And I think trey're with different men. For them I'm not ready yet.

But if that is the story I don't know why he didn't sell our sister too. She's really pretty. I'm happy he didn't, but don't understand why.

Maybe someone wanted just a boy. Maybe we were specially ordered.

But we had so much good in our life when our dad was still alive, we couldn't be broken enough to not figure things out. And we were not so helpless we appeared to be. Our sister was forced to see all the torture and there's so much anger in her, she can play the game too and have no remorse.

I've been thinking, even that we thought at the time we were the victim, she experienced the worst part. She holds all the anger. I don't know if I was able to stop myself from murdering anyone if I've been the one watching her being tortured.

I don't know if that is the truth, or just me thinking afterwards, linking separate things together as they were one story.

I also always feel people will see and think I had sex with my dad, if I mention him. And I do not remember anything like that happening ever. I may be just making up traumas never took place in reality. Or actually I don't consider it as a trauma. Maybe it's because we felt safe with dad so we think we needed to have sex, cause otherwise we couldn't feel so. But maybe we weren't like this back then.

I don't care if he (the man we had sex with) payed to get to see us. But we can't cope if there were other boys for him too. We would be so jealous. We want to be his only one, just like he told us. We can't cope if nothing was real and we were worth nothing.

Maybe it was mom who sold us, not the man. He just prepared us.

Just wanted to share. I would like to help, but there's nothing I can say really. Don't know about this stuff. But we want you to know we read and we are on your side.

I hear you, PlanetIcarus. You are very brave and strong. That's no empty frase,; I mean it because I understand you. And I understand your confusion and pain. We idealised our father our whole life. We were wrong. We also have very different opinions about the sister. In our case; her father was the leader of the group. A very dangerous criminal who even had jailtime. She was concidered the perfect child because our mother also had a high position. We are containing Bart who wants to report the stuff the police didn't find out back then.

You are fifteen, I'm so glad you got out while still young. You have a lot going for you. Please don't harm yourself. You have the right to heal from this. And you will, you cán, you have ALL the 'skills' for that.

I again hope you didn't feel pressure to respond. On the other hand I'm happy for the part who has the same kind of need Bart has to spill his guts, get it all out finally, that they got the chance to do that. We hear you, PlanetIcarus, and it's ok! You are NOT the guilty one, and by that I mean all of you.

-- May 21st, '18, 18:02 --

SolanaceousClub wrote:Hi

I just wanted to say - I'm reading and I can relate. To what the OP wrote and also to what PlanetIcarus wrote. Some things like that happended to us.
But I am unable to put our experiences into words yet. Maybe it isn't allowed.
Thank you for sharing!

Sol

Hi Sol, then this is a big step for you; way to go!

And thank you!