Friendship going wrong; advice?

Hi, a protector from team C also posted this in the topic for protectors, but NoName pointed out this maybe wasn't the best spot to ask this question; thanks, NoName.

So here it is again;

Hello,

Does anyone have experience with a long term friendship going wrong when the system is visible? ANP4 already talked about it for a bit.

We've known this person for ten years, he sometimes publishes our art. When our crisis began, he talked with quite a few panicking parts which was very nice of him. He calmed them down, listened to their horrific memories, told them to not be ashamed or feel guilty when ugly parts joined the conversation, making the rest feel embarrassed... it was and is intense and we can see how he tries to be supportive.

Robin and a Bt1 had a special connection with him, all those years. They emailed a lot and enjoyed each other's company, the few times they actually saw each other. Because of the way we look, Robin always got a lot of attention from men, she was very happy being able to be her enthousiastic self without having to worry about wrong impressions. First thing that went wrong, and this was before the crisis; the artist from team D decided to offer some work that was explicit, sexually, by asking him if it was ok to show it. He responded in a sexual way and this made Robin and others freak out. Complicated situation we all didn't understand yet, back then.

This kind of faded away during the crisis when he was so very supportive, but he is not willing to directly discuss this subject to clear the air, when confused parts or triggered sexual parts try to talk to him about it. This alarmed quite a few protectors. Then there's the 'nobody can know about this' thing going on; everytime an EP opens up to him, ugly parts lash out to chase him away from the truth about the abusers and from our own vulnerability. It means so much to many that he didn't run away but kept on supporting us. On top of that... he thinks that the parts he already knew are one personality and everything else is 'demons' who push the good, innocent, true self away. He only wants to talk to 'that part' (he doesn't even want to really know it wasn't one part but several, he was talking to). Cherrie picking going on as well, or, having a hard time getting used to this enormous change. On one hand we want to understand this all must be confusing for him as well, on the other hand it's damaging, how he doesn't welcome the system (he doesn't have to, he has no obligations, but it's a blow in the face everytime he makes that clear). We stopped having contact many times because this all caused a lot of stress, but the parts who actually bonded with him, keep on emailing him again. This includes team D.. It goes wrong everytime he starts ignoring the parts he doesn't want to talk to again; telling them he only supports 'name'.

What would you do? We want the parts who trust and like him to be happy, but for the system as a whole, this is no good. Thank you.

C

I would like to add, especially considering the advice NoName gave us, that I think we're maybe dealing with something I think every multiple is familiar with; stockholm syndrom. Not that this person kidnapped us or something, but the same process. Maybe the parts who still like him very much don't 'want to know' he's not being very respectful. But we all don't want to see this without nuances.. it's hard. This can also be just a matter of 'singleton being human'.

E2

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

I struggled to stay focussed, but Mike commented from the back, calling it "double bind"
maybe that is something you want to look into? He is real smart when it comes to stuff like that...

Mike is exactly right. We sometimes think we realize we interpertate him that way because of our own switches (one not understanding why he would 'say something like that' to the other, not knowing he responded to another part (and he doesn't know that as well, argh)), and at other times we think we know he's at least not being serious about this. Thank you Mike and thank you L for posting that, despite how you feel. I hope it wasn't this post that gave you a hard time focussing. I'll put up a TW just to be sure.


**edit; too late for the TW, sorry.

its every bigger chunk of text and the PTSD speaking. I just can't focus well. if I see that someone wrote a longlong post I don't even bother trying to read it.
and Asti stared at the computer screen all day, I think the eyes are tired too.

Yeah, that makes sense. And congrats on writing and translating that article today, you and Asti.

Efragment wrote:This can also be just a matter of 'singleton being human'.

E2

I don't think so. A good friend wouldn't say that they only support a certain part after you have explained that you are ALL the parts. Of course it "goes wrong" every time he explicitly rejects certain parts of your system. He doesn't have to like all of them, but to call them demons and to want them to go away and give him back the "true self" is not what a real friend would do. In my opinion.

As always, I think the key is for all of your parts to communicate about what they want, and then try to find a way of dealing with him that you can all agree to and that supports rather than damages your system.

Boundaries are very unclear here. This is a business contact at least some of the time. Maybe a friend, but likely not, given the cherry picking that is going on. And when showed erotic art he tried to start something similar with the artist? Totally not cool.

A wise person told me: Everyone is merely an acquaintance until tested. Only then do you find out who your friends are.

The guy is a douche-bag. Not a friend.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

Efragment wrote:This can also be just a matter of 'singleton being human'.

E2

I don't think so. A good friend wouldn't say that they only support a certain part after you have explained that you are ALL the parts. Of course it "goes wrong" every time he explicitly rejects certain parts of your system. He doesn't have to like all of them, but to call them demons and to want them to go away and give him back the "true self" is not what a real friend would do. In my opinion.

As always, I think the key is for all of your parts to communicate about what they want, and then try to find a way of dealing with him that you can all agree to and that supports rather than damages your system.

Thank you, Gang. You're right.. although I still think we can't expect people to totally go with the flow just like that. It's ok if they need time to adjust or whatever. It's also ok if they can't handle it. But THIS is not ok. We agreed, internally, to no contact.

Una+ wrote:Boundaries are very unclear here. This is a business contact at least some of the time. Maybe a friend, but likely not, given the cherry picking that is going on. And when showed erotic art he tried to start something similar with the artist? Totally not cool.

A wise person told me: Everyone is merely an acquaintance until tested. Only then do you find out who your friends are.

Nice to meet you directly, Una+! And thank you for responding. The embarrassing part; he feels like a friend to many, because of the very big words he sometimes uses (stuff like 'I'll be there, anytime, anywhere, anyhow'), but when I asked to go have a drink, he told me/us he's 'just a 'business contact'', and ofcourse he ignores questions about that as well (I sometimes wonder if he has DID... this truelly goes beyond mixed signals, often. He has the worst memory ever, lives isolated, talks about being foggy/dizzy sometimes, repeats himself a lot, sometimes sounds young, sometimes sounds old and grumpy and critical, etc.. We asked him many times if we're right about that and he also, guess what, ignores that. The ignoring is crázy because at other times he's very direct. If it's true and he doesn't know it, or he hasn't accepted it yet, then we still can't have contact, I think?
.

We emailed every night..nearly. Sometimes even day and night. Sending each other songs, talking about raw, ugly stuff without judgement, but also about what makes life worth while, his family member who is sick, etc. It was personal and intense.

Almost everybody freaked out when he responded in that sexual way; very unprofessional. Art is intimate, always, hold your distance when doing business about it. But I honestly don't know how long some parts were already quite intimate with him. Last time we saw each other, at some fancypancypigshit meeting in this field, we acted like teenagers, holding each other's hands and stuff. It was surreal. And the part who remembers that lively, was crushed when he didn't want to have a drink but kept on using big, big words. UGH

myce wrote:The guy is a douche-bag. Not a friend.

Hi myce, nice to meet you as well. I guess he's at least being a coward about sómething. Trying not to guess anymore..

Well, DID might explain some of his behavior but certainly does not excuse it. And talk is cheap. Liars especially make big promises, big empty promises. This is called future faking and I am sorry to say that this fellow shows a lot of other signs of being an ass clown.