stages ?

hello,

I do not have a formal diagnosis, but have spent many years knowing something was quite "wrong" with me and hiding it. I have had a terrible fear of being found to be crazy. My mom was abused badly and is a pretty textbook BPD case and I witnessed my father drown when I was about four, so lots of chaos and a bit of trauma.

As a little girl, one day I always imagined myself as having a perky face with long straight red hair and light eyes, even a few freckles. I had straight bangs. One day at about five I was devastated as I looked in a mirror and I looked nothing like that...Ididnt know who I was. People tell me I am very beautiful, but I hate my own reflections and pictures. They appear grotesque and strange to me. This is so strong that I truley feel disgust and abhorrence at my own reflection. I hide it well, but ugh, its just kinds gross. I mean that person isnt really gross, but the dissonance it creates is ugh.

I have always had a few voices in my head and havent thought much of it as they were my advisers, consultants, whiny outlets and very critical motivators. Its not that they seem like different people, more that I take turns becoming each of them in the middle of the conversation. I thought this was perfectly normal until I started exploring personality systems and realized most other people dont do this. My children think its funny as I make faces and even hand gestures as I "conversate" with myself. Ive noted that if other adults see me doing this, they stare so I try not to do in public.

Most of the time I feel like I am in an out of body experience. I have a really beautiful inner world, but my body is a bit like a big blob of flesh that happens to be attached and I am very unaware of it.

Ive always been able to "switch gears" and shift my approach to things based upon what is needed. However people often stall out and seem confused when I do this. My vocal tone changes, face changes and I can $#%^ off my emotions or reroute totally. In turn I have almost a blindness to subtle social language, due to blocking out my perception of it, rather than being unable to see it. My mother was so emotionally manipulative that I learned to hide that aspect of my perception so innately do so if I feel threatened. Ive lost three jobs due to this issue.

I didnt realize what dissociation was till a therapist who I met with about aspergers suggested I look into it. I bought a few books that talked about it and was like, wow!
One book said I should recognize all my peoples, which I really think of as aspects, and then learn to listen to each one and allow it to have say its peace.

I cataloged them and have Orobas, the protective dad, Merry, the caring redhead, Marilyn, my critical harpy who does love me, then there is a a really catty lady and then me-which when I went looking I found her behind a bed as a tiny little kid face covered with hands sobbing. I felt so bad as I guess she had been there all alone. So I asked Merry to go take care of her, then after a few days I asked orobas and merry to start taking her to the park. the next time I checked in a few weeks later she was playing happily with the other kids and I suggested she needed to go to school, so they walked her on the school. Ive been checking in on time to time and she is progressing towards middle school.

Ive also learned that when I feel threatened orobas steps in to protect me, but that he creates a wall between me and others, so I let him know there isnt really a threat and ask Merry to help out instead and she is very sweet, and whew, so much less stress. Recognizing and choosing what aspect I wish to allow to drive behavior, in spite of the aspects immediate responses, has become very important as well.

Ok, that is an awful lot of background for a question! The things Ive noted is that I feel more muddled internally and more scatterred. Its like I am losing my internal composure in some sense. I "had my $#%^ together" yet now things are becoming unbundeled and at odd times, strange new aspects seem to bubble up and be almost invasive. They are a bit ugly, demanding and I dont like them, as they do not represent the type of person I want to be. I recognize I contain aspects that are selfish, unkind, cruel and hedonistic and I can choose to allow or not allow those behaviors. I accept them as being human. however these invasive aspects almost demand they have the right to exhibit these behaviors and want to demand others around me to be ok with this.

The muddling almost caused me to blow a presentation in front of a group of 150 people, as I couldnt find my calm voice and then I had several voices all clamoring at once and started to panic. The ugly aspects make me act in ways in my relationship that I would rather not.

Is this a normal stage to go through as one creates a healthier internal landscape? Also, Im afriad of losing my aspects as I explore this process. They bring me incredible insight in that I can see the world from very different angles and it makes people call me gifted, brilliant and amazing. I like my little internal family lol. I dont want to be someone else or lose my ability to call upon each of them in times of need. Am I missing perspective?

Dear Orobas

Welcome Aboard!
I hope you find this site as resourceful and supportive as I have!

Thank you for your very well written and insightful post.

Many here do not have a formal DID Diagnosis. Statistically it takes an average of 7 years of Under or Mis-Diagnoses to get one. It's extremely difficult to find anyone who is qualified to even get one and much has to do with your resources and especially the region in which you live.

Trauma and Dissociation have been ignored or buried for years and this is the first time in History it's stayed around for the last 40 years since it first resurfaced again. Usually it will only pop up for 5 years at most historically before it's buried again for decades.

The Human Mind is a very curious and Mysterious thing we live with. I think you are now discovering a much deeper aspect of it.

I am experiencing right now the same thing you mentioned in your remark about that presentation...

"The muddling almost caused me to blow a presentation in front of a group of 150 people, as I couldn't find my calm voice and then I had several voices all clamoring at once and started to panic."

Now to be fare to us, I suspect many people who do not have a Dissociative Disorder experience this same thing too. But for them it's much more cohesive and connected to each other part within them as it's happening. My suspicions at least from those I ask about this stuff who don't have Trauma Histories.

But for us here, it appears that our "Parts" are much more separated and stand alone without that cohesive glue that the "Singlets" seem to have due to lack of serious Trauma in their childhoods.

I'm reading this research paper on the topic by Dr Ruth Lanius since I will hopefully get to meet her at the end of this month at the 29th Annual International Conference on Trauma in Boston.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/277082630_Trauma-related_dissociation_and_altered_states_of_consciousness_A_call_for_clinical_treatment_and_neuroscience_research

She will be a key speaker at this years Trauma Conference in Boston...
http://www.traumacenter.org/training/Trauma_Conf_2018.php

I mention this because I think it's helpful to get a bigger picture about how and why we are a bit different compared to those who didn't have the kinds of childhoods like we have had here. It specifically discusses these "Voices" in our heads and what regions of the brain are involved for us to experience them.

Now back to your question as far as "Stages?"

I'm just a poster here like yourself and am a new one at that. So please just take what you can use and toss the rest with a grain of salt hehe.

It appears from what you've wrote here that you also have this curious and at times frustrating way of "being". And also like your self i find it to be a gift as much as a curse and don't want to be rid of it but rather to have it all work smoothly together in a more cohesive way.

In my own experience, I can certainly say it goes in stages and waves. Just being active in here for the past month has greatly sped that up. I would say by your view of your own system that you seem to have a good jump on it already. Being supportive and nurturing I feel is critical to healing. Are there aspects of "Us" that can be rude, hurtful, and selfish like a child? At times yes.

But welcome to the Human Race! Just about Every Therapist I've seen is far more "Dissociated" in many ways than I am and they are deeply in denial of their own Trauma issues that they project onto their clients in the form of what they call "Counter Transference". So we are not alone there. It's a Human condition regardless of what you want to call it.

I think you already know that being kind to ourselves in this manner is very important and helps smooth out the large bumps that often seem like mountains. Or sometimes are vast peaks lol

I think it does go in stages and growth spurts.

For myself lately in some ways I feel like I have been making huge progress and my Therapists agree. However the more "Mindful" I become, the more I notice how much worse it always has been than I previously thought. But I try to remind myself that it's always been this way and just thought everyone did this too and was "Normal", so it didn't bother me at all.

So just our perspective is a huge part of how we see our selves in this way.

"Pain is Mandatory in life, but Suffering is Optional" is a saying that I have really gotten into these days in regards to how I perceive things that are upsetting to me. This seems to be especially true to how I react vs respond to my inner and outer world as they both play a large part of my daily experiences.

I think you'll find that the more you work with those "Parts" of yourself, you will make progress and smooth things out and then possibly because it's a bit safer, then other parts will suddenly pop up that were hidden from you. Then the chaos ensues and starts all over again until you work through that and so it continues. But over all I think you'll find that there will be much healing in this process. The more I get used to this concept, the less upsetting it is for me and starts to become the new "Norm" as far as "Maintenance" of my general well being. I think they call it "Self Care"?

Some people in here got lucky and have a Therapist who knows somewhat what they are doing in regards to Trauma and Dissociation. But statistically it's extremely rare and most of us use this forum as the main vehicle for our healing because there are none available who have a clue.

I have to spend 1,000$ and travel 3,000 miles away from my home to meet anyone who is experienced and knowledgeable about this stuff and is only for 4 days in Boston.

There is a really helpful form of Therapy which suits it's self perfectly for us although is not targeting us in general. It's called "Internal Family Systems" (IFS) and is a form of "Family Systems" (FS) which is for Family Therapy without any sort of "Pathological" diagnosing etc. So this variant of "Family Systems" is directed "Internally" to help heal our Internal Family System instead of our external family Systems like "Family Systems" does. It was created by Dr Richard Schwartz and the entire therapy is focused on "Parts" work and healing them. That cute movie "Inside Out" is based upon that therapy.

I find with that lens of viewing all these "Parts" (that in that model as well as science has discovered is true) everyone has "Parts" and it's about working with them in a healthy and loving way so that they are free to focus more of being helpful than reacting in a trauma related way as ours do. You can find a few intro books by "Richard Schwartz" that describe it in detail and I find it to be very comforting that I have been naturally doing this my whole life as a result of my own rough childhood.

It sounds to me so far that you already have a good head start and perspective regarding your own "Parts" of yourself and as you learn to work with them more things will change. They will get better, and at times of too much stress or other times of things actually doing much better may find others popping up that were hidden before.

Orobas sounds like your protector from not only your Mother (who sounds very much like my own) but possibly also against overwhelming emotions. And as you are finding as a result can cause relational problems due to lack of sensitivity to subtle social cues that are so important in relationships of any kind.

I was just discussing that exact same thing with my ex GF in regards to her children when she goes into her own version of "Orobas" and becomes "Clinically Detached" (as in the way Therapists think it's professional to be not involved emotionally with a client's experiences in sessions), and how it triggers the heck out of her kids as a result because she is emotionally not available as her coping skill. She has to put an emotional wall up and block it out for her own sanity due to her own traumas as a coping skill. But has a very devastating effect on her kids who are seeking emotional connection as a way to help them regulate their own. Very Triggery for us especially.

I have my own version of "Orobas" as well who is known as "The Taborite". I sometimes have referred to him as a "Sophist Pig" when he get's me in trouble! (I don't be mean to him anymore). But he too puts up an emotional wall and becomes very "Spock" like but as if Spock had really bad PTSD lol. I am now trying to work with him and support him so that he can start to re-experience the full range of emotions instead of just anger and defense. The more he feels understood and safe, the more he has started to remember what life was like in a fuller range before his own traumas. It's complicated...google "Taborite" and you'll see what I am talking about!

But he has gotten me in heaps of trouble when he takes over to protect me from very real and serious abuse and harm by Therapists, etc. Like your self I now try to recognize when he's triggered and try to slide in another far more kind and helpful part to deflate a potential volatile situation that if he had his way would be strict punishment by the system such as licensing boards and state and federal agencies. No one enforces any of our rights or laws pertaining to them so is a waste of time and makes everything much worse. He is VERY well versed in all things pertaining to Mental health Laws, Codes of Ethics, Psychology etc, and so uses that as his defense which just points out their faulty logic and thinking just as the "Sophists" did which is not helpful outside a court of law.

But I do value him as a Protector and he is a very decent and moral part of me, but seriously needs treatment for his PTSD and learn healthier ways to go about protecting me. He is starting to understand this and is seeing how his PTSD reaction is making things worse not better, so we are making progress there.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful for you and perhaps helped answer your question of "Stages?"

Sorry if it was quite long and involved so much of my personal experiences. Hopefully by seeing what my experiences have been so far it may be something you can relate to as far as your own?

This is a very complex and complicated subject and like one of the experts on Trauma and Dissociation impressed repeatedly during last year's Conference on Trauma, "As humans we tend to want to over simplify everything to try and make sense of it. But in reality we need to make it ten times more complicated to actually be more accurate for there are so many things going on at once, such as Biology, Neurology, Emotional responses, Hormonal responses, Genetics, etc that we really need to take all of these, plus many more into account to be able to try and see the whole picture!".

If you happen to be in the Boston area between May 30th and June 2nd, then wear something professional and go to the Boston World Trade Center and you can walk right in and attend the Conference for free. No one checks to see if you are Registered or not. Everyone there since it's pretty removed form any thing else, expects you to be a Therapist or Mental Health Professional and you can meet some of the world's pioneers and experts on Trauma and Dissociation no questions asked. Last year everyone just assumed I was a Psychologist in practice because of my attire and knowledge. I would sometimes let them think that or other times would open up my dress shirt to show them that I was wearing "Superman Underoos" underneath and that I was a client with DID who was attending for personal recovery reasons.

Warmly
Lumpy

From what i understand this happens when you first come out of denial. Things get "worse" because there is no shield to block most things anymore so you are aware. This is my 2nd experience, that I know of, of coming out of denial and things getting "worse" but last time was involuntary and scary so i shut that $#%^ down quick and went back in denial. This time is different but when i feel the denial creep in i show myself the proof i have written out.

Also you mention thinking you looked a certain way but you didnt. I find that interesting because i specifically recall being about 1 1/2 or 2 (i know from photos that where i lived i was that age) and coloring a picture of a lady. I colored her with black straight hair and i was thinking that is how I am supposed to look and "someone" got it wrong when they gave me white blonde curls.

I still alternate between blonde and various dark shades and i hate and love them both depending..

& I've had so many people comment on how I become a "different person" over the years that I am surprised it took this long for reality to set it. Even my mother said, "you came downstairs and were a different person and my daughter was gone. I haven't seen her since." Yeah, well. I was 12 and my father just died of cancer and i was moved to a new state, school and didnt know anyone and barely knew your family who treated me poorly bc of things YOU did before I was born. Plus I then had to live in shame and silence because you put our electricity, water bill, grocery and clothing money up your nose and treated me like I was entitiled and ungrateful when I demanded to know where the hell the $1,000 a month my daddy left me to live on went because I haven't showered in god knows how long because you're a #######5 mother.

Sorry. Dont know where that came from.
I hope you can find some direction! Hugs. We all need them.

@Grailbail, <3