Could I have DID? Too scared to go to a DR just yet.

Hi. I'm pretty new here, and a bit nervous. My name is Des, I'm 22, Nonbinary [Bio female] and I'm wondering if somebody could help me figure out if this sounds like DID, or something else.

Basically, to start out, I have always had this 'other' side of me for as long as I can remember. I call her Miranda. She got this name because that was supposed to be my name and somehow this other side of me having this other name that I could have had made sense, for the longest time she didn't have a name. Miranda feels like an entirely different person inside me. Sometimes I feel this.. change? In my whole body, my posture, my mindset, my agenda. Different.It's like I'm fully aware but yet not fully in control. When I'm 'Miranda' I don't feel the same, I act differently, type differently, I can be meaner and my attachments to people are different. Sometimes we talk to each other, sometimes if I'm around someone she doesn't like I can feel it. Its more than a sense, it's like feeling someone else emotions. It's like having a much more involved imaginary friend that lives in my body. I hardly ever feel alone.

Sometimes after a change, I'll wake up the next morning finding out that I've said or done some things and have to clean up a mess of posts and apologize to whoever I spoke to. I never fully blackout, if I think hard enough I can remember blurry bits and pieces of doing things but not really remember being there, or feeling like I was 'in the moment'. If that makes sense?

On top of this, I didn't have an easy childhood, I was abused and bullied. I can't remember a good chunk of my childhood and constantly see memories in Third person. I am always under a lot of stress and constantly have anxiety attacks if I'm not careful.

I just don't know if this counts as DID, because I feel like I don't have full Blackout Amnesia, because I always have a blurry sense of things that happened. I heard that usually people just suddenly snap into reality having no clue where they are or what happened while their Alters have run around completely free to do what they wish.

I'm too scared to tell my family, and as far as I know, they have no idea I have anything like this. Miranda usually keeps herself as normal as possible around my family, feeling it could do us harm if anyone found out.

More info:
Compared to me Miranda is a different person even in looks. She doesn't look like me at all when I think of her and when I am her I see myself as this other person, in an entirely different outfit.
I'm full of anxiety, I have panic disorder and BPD. But Miranda she has none of this, shes braver, calmer, more protective. She does have a tricky side and messes with my life and tries to self-sabotage us in little ways. But nothing that would hurt me/us.

I just don't know if this is all in my head and not really a thing, or if I just have a good imagination. There's others besides Miranda but shes always been there, and is the most real that I feel.I just.. don't know what to do and the changes are happening again more because I've been under a lot of stress.

I would suggest dealing with the stress you are currently under first. Deal with any life-situations that are putting you under pressure. Then see if your internal world is a problem after the external pressures are lifted.

Also, I don't know if you are on any medications, but if you are...be careful to read about side-effects...some can really cause problems mentally.

Desthealien wrote:I just don't know if this counts as DID, because I feel like I don't have full Blackout Amnesia, because I always have a blurry sense of things that happened. I heard that usually people just suddenly snap into reality having no clue where they are or what happened while their Alters have run around completely free to do what they wish.

That was my misconception also and I have a formal education about this stuff. So I was sure I didn't have DID. But even though I have a continuous memory of pretty much my whole life, the memories are often separated from the feelings that should have been attached to them, and many are viewed from somewhere outside myself. And as I've discovered this past year, I have parts that are very separate. They've worked together very well to conceal things from me and other people in my life, but they exist. They have names, and their own feelings, interests, and ways of behaving. I thought they were moods.

So you can't rule out DID based on not having present-day amnesia. You can take the DES online as a place to start, and then take it to someone who knows about dissociative disorders.

I heard that usually people just suddenly snap into reality having no clue where they are or what happened while their Alters have run around completely free to do what they wish.

That is not true it's one of the 'fun facts' that is a public misperception. It's fun for people to see and hear about dramatic switches like that on movies and things. I mean it does happen, it has happened to me, but it is not an 'always' thing or a mandatory symptom for DID dx.

So obviously we're not therapists, can't diagnose, blah blah blah, but yes, it sounds like what you experience could be DID. It also sounds like it is relatively OK and Miranda is helpful.

I know it's silly to say but please try not to be scared about it. It's OK maybe it would be worth being checked by an expert, even for your own peace of mind? When you're ready.

Also, if you go down that path you might end up with some tools to decrease the internal causes of panic attacks or to decrease your experience of stress. Not to overwhelm you or pull the rug out from under your feet but the BPD might be a misdiagnosis and if you did have DID, the so-called BPD could be much better dealt with. Your panic disorder could also be a slightly different thing: PTSD or CPTSD. The ideal treatments for those two are more comprehensive and different than a generalised panic disorder. If you're being treated for the wrong thing, it's not really fair for you is it? You might start to think the treatments aren't working because you are beyond help or some untruth like that, and that would be a shame.

I lived in panic, fear and stress for many years and now I don't. I can only really be triggered into those states by quite overt stimuli. There is hope, and exploring the truth is worth it. I wouldn't #######4 you.

I think there are some online resources you can test yourself with too! To get an idea.

Either way, glad to meet you and thanks for sharing.

The DES test would be a good idea . If one day you get the dx's it just mean that you are normal not crazy things will clear up. So stick to safe good therapist to help you along the way.