Making sense of my system

I am 30 now but from the age of 17 I have been aware of a little girl alter named Kelly. Until recently I have been in various stages of denial about this and about our past. I'm still in various stages of denial but a lot more has been presented to me. A baby boy alter (around 18 months?), and two girls that feel like mirror twins (as in opposite personality traits). They have only presented once but I have felt their energy. Like one feels sexual, dominant, devoid of morals or painful feelings. The other is in horrendous pain both physical and emotional and carries guilt and shame. To me they feel like twins because they seem to share the same memories. I also think there is an older teenager who seems quite hostile and volatile as in she is very angry and sometimes directs that towards the body.

Now, my thoughts and feelings have been cycling a lot. But the other night I was feeling particularly desperate so repeatedly cried out inside my mind for someone to help. And I was determined to get to the bottom of things because I felt like not knowing was killing me. As this was happening a scary face flashed inside my mind and scared the S*t out of me. This has happened before but somehow this time I realised that the scary face was in fact another alter and I needed to reach out to him. When I did talk to him he revealed himself to be "The Wall" and wasn't really that scary - more like he was trying to protect me as that is his job - to keep all the walls intact so we are not flooded with memories that we cannot handle. It also seemed to me that he is in charge of who is in front. Despite me begging to go inside he seemed to think I should stay out front - I'm not sure why -but I did get a quick glimpe of "inside" and I saw that it wasn't a good place to be with what looked like naked children all huddled together inside some walls that were crumbling all around them.

I'm sorry if this seems a bit nonsensical but if anyone can relate

Incidentally, things have been a lot quieter since then which makes it all feel quite dream like and that leaves me even more confused

Tortoiseshell wrote:...he was trying to protect me as that is his job - to keep all the walls intact so we are not flooded with memories that we cannot handle. It also seemed to me that he is in charge of who is in front. Despite me begging to go inside he seemed to think I should stay out front - I'm not sure why -but I did get a quick glimpe of "inside" and I saw that it wasn't a good place to be with what looked like naked children all huddled together inside some walls that were crumbling all around them.

I'm sorry if this seems a bit nonsensical but if anyone can relate

Incidentally, things have been a lot quieter since then which makes it all feel quite dream like and that leaves me even more confused

Makes perfect sense to me. I guess "The Wall" was letting you know that you were making it difficult for him to do his job, so he had to convince you why you needed to back off, and then you did. Sounds like pretty good communication and cooperation.

Yes that was an amazing experience. It was incredibly real as I was affected physiologically too, it was not just inside my head. Like I said things have been quiet since so I guess The Wall is doing his job. I would like there to be some compromise though so that I can still communicate with the others as it seems to be all or nothing at the moment.

I hope The Wall can be convinced to make a door so you can take them out for visits, and that he would allow you to build a nice world inside for the others. That they get it better also would make it easier for him too..
Here is one that wont allow that to happen dissociative-identity/topic202623.html#p2102519

Hi Tortoiseshell,

Wow that was scary! The Wall is doing a good job guarding things. I don't think you should go in there. I like TeddyBear's idea. You could invite kids out where you are which sounds like a lot nicer place and you could take care of them better.

Iain

I tried to communicate with this alter again the other day and someone else took over who I don't know. She said that he doesn't talk unless he has to. He works silently to make everything appear normal to me. He doesn't want me knowing anything. He does a good job most of the time but enough has bled through for me to know that it is not normal. Finally, he wrote that I was digging too deep. But the children are trapped and I know that is a source of pain that I can feel. I'm having terrible incklings about the kind of things that may have happened to me and explains a few things about why certain times of the year are worse than others. I feel swallowed up in darkness.