Who the hell is in control?

I'm new here. I just discovered I may have DID last month. I do not have a T yet and no proper diagnosis. However... It seems like my Pure OCD with really DID.

Ive fully embraced it and I'm afraid to going back to denying it because I'm afraid of angering them


I also know that before my realization of DID and acceptance of it...I thought I was experiencing OCD intrusive thoughts and feelings. Now I feel like I'm starting to identify alters.


The more I started reading here and accepting the more "clear" things became...


I started having OCD anxiety episodes jan 2016. Ive had OCD and anxiety my entire life but until I started smoking weed regularly,I was still able to be happy and functional.

All of a sudden in 2016 I'd go to sleep and images thoughts voices and feelings would wash over me.
When I wake up too.

Any dilemma i would have would be a war in my mind. Any time I thought a thought another one would come in to punish me or be the exact opposite of the thought.


Pretend example:
I like red headed men,any time id think about a hot red headed guy a thought would pop,derailing the day dream. then after a while i believed it was shaming me and telling me that I know I should only like brown haired men. and it would keep at it until I would be too upset afraid and tired of the trauma of defending my own wants needs and desires so id just give in and stop thinking about what I like just to make the "ocd" intrusive thought go away.


This type of thought behavior happened for over 2 years and basically chiseled down my wants needs desires morals and opinions on everything. I studied myself like j was a scientist. Trying to understand myself and face my truth.


I used to have a fantasy of being this famous person who sun danced and act. Full on maladaptive day dreaming. It was beautiful and pleasant. Id have fantasy about anything.


Well that all cme crashing down. I no longer had the ability to fantasize the same way. I just felt like something was missing. Everytime I'd day dream I'd get it going and it would get interrupted or a violent image would pop up.


Slowly but surely I started realizing it was more DID then Pure O and the past few weeks have been INSANE.


I LOST myself for A while and I sorta feel back now.


I dont know whos ultimately in control. I almost feel like someone is orchestrating the entire thing.


I believe I've been co-conscience and didnt realize I was switching because I dont black out or have noticeable amnesia like that.


I dont know who controls what. I'm a little scared.



Why is one of the most important parts of me blocked? who's controlling which system I enter? I seem to be a multi system of systems.

How do I protect myself?

hi and welcome! we hope you find this place to be as helpful as we do!

A lot of relatable posts but this is right up there! I never know who is in control (I is such a funny word)

I always knew I was off (though I never assumed it was OCD or something common- cause I knew it was not as common whatever I had). Then last few years I started using pot and other "herbs" and one day (skipping my whole life story which is really messed up and I dont even remember it all) I realized I was asexual and then shortly after I realized I also had DID and ever since other parts of me have slowly realized this as well.

Sometimes it feels as every day a new part of me realizes we have DID other times I think I am in control but am under the influence of another part, others I know another part is in control and I am just observing, and others I am 100% sure there is no other part and I took full control but then I never know if I am actually I or if another I also thinks it is this I

and that last paragraph makes almost no sense (improper grammer aside) and yet with my DID it makes perfect sense to me (again who is me even)