WILL I DISAPPEAR?

THIS MIGHT BE A STUPID QUESTION, BUT HAVE YOU EVER FEARED THAT AT ANY MOMENT YOU WOULD CEASE TO EXSIST. I GET THIS CREEPY FEELING ONCE IN A WHILE. I HATE IT, AND TRY TO SHAKE IT OFF AS SOON AS I CAN. COULD IT BE A PANIC ATTACK? I STARTED TO EXPERIENCED THESE "ATTACKS" WHEN I WAS A CHILD. I USE TO THINK I WOULD DIE WHILE THE ABUSE WAS GOING ON. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO BE AN ADULT. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW. I'VE GROWN UP AND HAVE NO ONE IN MY LIFE TODAY THAT IS A THREAT TO MY WELL BEING.

COULD IT BE ANXIETY FROM SWITCHING? I WAS JUST CURIUOS. I THOUGHT KNOWING WHAT TRIGGERS IT MIGHT HELP. I'D BE INTERESTED TO KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE HAS FELT THIS WAY AND HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT.

BENNY

Benny,

Switching definitely causes some serious anxiety with some folks. I also think there are many out there who have that fear of vanishing completely from the earth. Anyone who is a survivor of serious abuse may always have that feeling of a looming threat as well. I know there are still times when I fear I'll be found - that he knows I "told on him". There are times that I can go for days without sleep because of that stupid fear.

Benny -

Parts of me fear vanishing. I don't, but parts of me are afraid that if I seek help they will go away. The idea of it scares them silly. Especially dani. She's my 14 year old, though she behaves much younger (regressed behaviour). She's having a hard time right now dealing with things.

Tina

Yes especially when I have panic attacks I feel like I am going to vanish or die,and i need someting to hold on to to tell me that I am real.
Sometimes when I dissociate I feel likeI am outside of my body just floating there watching it and i panic and then I "come back" only to realize that i was dissociating. But when you are experiencing it it is hard to tell yourself that it is normal for you and to not panic.

THANK YOU ALL FOR POSTING!

THE LINKS YOU GAVE ME ARE VERY INFORATIVE. I PLAN TO TRY OUT THE JOURNAL TRACKER ESPECIALLY. THANKS SEANETAL. UNDERSTANDING MENTAL ILLNESS IS A REAL CHALLENGE, BUT IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE IN THE QUALITY OF ONES LIVE. HOPEFULLY IT WILL AID IN TRACKING MY ALTERS, WHICH ARE MORE NUMEROUS THAN I ONCE THOUGHT.

I THINK IT MIGHT BE MY 5 YR. OLD ALTER. THE PANIC ATTACKS STARTED AROUND THEN, SO THAT WOULD MAKE SENCE. I CAN REMEMBER LAYING IN WAIT, KNOWING "IT" WAS COMING, WISHING I COULD DISAPPEAR, SO TERRIFIED MY SCREAM WAS SILENT. NOT KNOWING IF I WOULD MAKE IT BACK ALIVE. ----THEN NOTHING-----I'D WAKE UP ON THE FLOOR CURLED UP IN A BALL. AT FIRST NUMB, FEELING LIKE I WAS FLOATING ABOVE MY BODY IN A FOG. GRADUALLY COMING BACK. I WAS ALIVE. IN A LOT OF PAIN, BUT KNEW AT LEAST "IT" WOULD BE OVER WITH FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

THANKS YOU GUYS, THAT HELPS A LOT. IT'S AMAZING HOW THE BRAIN WORKS, AND HOW SIMULAR IT IS WITH OTHER SURVIVERS. HOPE I CAN RETURN THE FAVOR.

BENNY