please help me understand DID from a sufferer's perspective

Please note: I see a lot of people are putting trigger warning messages at the beginning of their posts. I talk a bit about abuse in this and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so please proceed with caution.


Hi, I'm sorry to bother you all because I do not have DID. My long-time friend does, however, and I could really use some help understanding where he is coming from, especially since he seems like he can't really talk about it. Actually, he can't really talk to me at all these days, because it stirs up his "other side," as he has referred to it. I believe he was sexually abused as a child and possibly as a young teenager, and he seems to carry a part of the abuser's mentality within him. This part of him hates him and harms him and it also hates me because I have always wanted to help him. He isn't able to speak directly with me anymore. He posts things on social media to try to relay information to me, such as song lyrics or other things that have "hidden" meanings... I think it is to keep that other part of him from getting upset and possibly punishing him for speaking to me. I love him very much and I know that he loves me too, and he agonizes a lot over how he cannot talk to me. It makes me very sad to see him struggling so much. He is a very good person, and he's very intelligent and he has told me in the past that he thinks very hard about everything he does all of the time so that he doesn't miss anything... but I think he still does sometimes. He can also be very mean sometimes. It hurts my feelings very badly, even though I try very hard to understand that it's not my fault and he can't help it. He seems to have this story about me in his mind that he tries hard not to believe, but it's always there... I know that he has told people that I am a stalker and a whore and I'm "delusional" (he uses that word a lot) and I am really none of those things. I don't know how to talk to him. I send him emails sometimes (I am blocked on social media but he leaves his Twitter and Instagram public so that I can still see what he is trying to tell me) but he is unable to respond directly. I want to help him but I don't know how. I can't leave him and I don't want to. I have bipolar disorder and he is the only person I've ever met who understands the pain of being one way and then suddenly changing and ruining everything good you'd built up... we don't have the same problem but we both know how that feels, and just having someone who understands that and who doesn't judge me is a huge weight off my shoulders. If anyone could please try to explain the mentality he has, and maybe offer some suggestions on the best way for me to approach him, I would be so grateful. I understand that you don't know him personally, but the duality within him is not an easy concept for me to understand and I was hoping someone could help me with that. Also, he has told me that he and his abuser are still friends, which terrifies me. I don't think his family would allow him to be sexually abused anymore, but I don't know. When I found out I had a panic attack because I can't handle the thought that someone is still hurting him like that and there is nothing I can do... I still can't handle it and I am always trying to put it out of my mind because it kills me that he might not be safe and there's nothing I can do... He pretends the abuse didn't happen and the whole time I was panicking he just kept trying to change the subject, which just made everything worse... Anyway, please help me if you can. I am sorry if this is an uncomfortable thing to read for anyone, since I know reading this would be very uncomfortable for him... It would probably make that part of him very upset and destructive.

This DID Forum gets so many posts like this from people infatuated with a person with DID. It seems the temptation to "cherry pick" is overwhelming. The fantasy is that if only you could say the right words, use the correct gesture, push the secret button, you could purge the "bad" parts of him and enjoy Happily Ever After with the "good" parts. Right? Wrong. It does not work that way.

For us there is a temptation to be warm and welcoming, empathetic and sympathetic. But we would not be serving you or others like you who are reading this.

He is not a safe person for you. He is disrespectful. He tells other people you are a stalker, a whore, and delusional. He does not act in any way like someone who wants you in his life. That he sometimes unloads his baggage on you, tells you selected intimate details of his life, does not mean he really wants you in his life. Far from it. Sometimes unhealthy people unload their problems onto other people and then want nothing to do with them; their unilaterally chosen "agony aunt" is now contaminated.

Bottom line? Move on. Meet more people. There are many, many people who "get" bipolar.

Hi

I would urge you to read my blog, from beginning to end... it's only about +80K words.

It's not a judgement on D.I.D, or any person in particular. Neither is it indicative of any other System besides the one we work with. It's a real story about one family's struggle coping with life while one member of the family has mental health issues. It's just real!

I love my wife. I love my kids. I love myself... Brett

Una+ wrote:This DID Forum gets so many posts like this from people infatuated with a person with DID. It seems the temptation to "cherry pick" is overwhelming. The fantasy is that if only you could say the right words, use the correct gesture, push the secret button, you could purge the "bad" parts of him and enjoy Happily Ever After with the "good" parts. Right? Wrong. It does not work that way.

For us there is a temptation to be warm and welcoming, empathetic and sympathetic. But we would not be serving you or others like you who are reading this.

He is not a safe person for you. He is disrespectful. He tells other people you are a stalker, a whore, and delusional. He does not act in any way like someone who wants you in his life. That he sometimes unloads his baggage on you, tells you selected intimate details of his life, does not mean he really wants you in his life. Far from it. Sometimes unhealthy people unload their problems onto other people and then want nothing to do with them; their unilaterally chosen "agony aunt" is now contaminated.

Bottom line? Move on. Meet more people. There are many, many people who "get" bipolar.

I am not in any way trying to purge him of the "bad." I know it will always be there. It's a part of him with a perspective that deserves respect just like everyone else. I know that the reality of the abuse is not something that can ever really be faced the way someone like me would be able to face it. He is disrespectful of me when I treat him poorly, only. It happens when he feels betrayed. It seems like there is a constant conversation going on within him, and whichever side of the argument he pays more attention to is the one that seems to come to the front. This inner arguement is always present when I am around and it centers around me and what he thinks of me. It seems like a pain in the ass, honestly, and if he truly didn't want to deal with it I'm sure he'd shut me out completely. He doesn't really unload things on me either, although I know he did a bit when we first met. I understand exactly what you mean by that, though, as I come from a family of borderline personality disorder sufferers... I understand the need to dump your feelings on someone and then disregard them when they take you seriously. He doesn't seem to have that bug though, which I know is hard to believe. He feels very, very badly about the things he says/does. I've never seen such genuine remorse in someone like him. It honestly astonishes me. He is very concerned with doing the "right" thing. More so than I am, to be perfectly honest, and more than anyone I've ever encountered... I do get scared that I am wrong about him. I'm really not an idiot (although I suppose that's just my opinion), and I worry that I am somehow lying to myself, although when I reason everything out I don't believe I am. Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate it.

Do you know the saying, "Two wrongs do not make a right"? It sounds like neither of you is a safe person for the other. Treating each other badly does not offset the mutual offenses between you, it doubles them.

It sounds like he is conflicted about you; again, this is a sign of a relationship that is not good for him or you, and not likely to improve.

For what it is worth, it does not sound like he has DID. He may have DID, but from what you describe, DID isn't even a tiny part of the problems between you. Is it even relevant? Let's think about that... Let's say he does have DID. How does that in any way mitigate the relationship problems? It seems to me that only compounds them. How do you see this being okay?

there is plenty of recourses and blogs on internet that explains did in various ways.

https://lifeasacommittee.wordpress.com/1018-2/did/
http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=76#typesdd
http://traumadissociation.com/dissociat ... tydisorder
https://www.igdid.com/h111-on-being-a-proper-multiple

and he seems to carry a part of the abuser's mentality within him. This part of him hates him and harms him and it also hates me because I have always wanted to help him.

Here is one explanation to that.. https://www.igdid.com/h145-what-are-introjects

Una+ wrote:Do you know the saying, "Two wrongs do not make a right"? It sounds like neither of you is a safe person for the other. Treating each other badly does not offset the mutual offenses between you, it doubles them.

It sounds like he is conflicted about you; again, this is a sign of a relationship that is not good for him or you, and not likely to improve.

For what it is worth, it does not sound like he has DID. He may have DID, but from what you describe, DID isn't even a tiny part of the problems between you. Is it even relevant? Let's think about that... Let's say he does have DID. How does that in any way mitigate the relationship problems? It seems to me that only compounds them. How do you see this being okay?

I don't know. I do think he has DID. I feel like no matter what I do I'm just making trouble for him. It wasn't always like that but that is what it has somehow come to. He has been giving me very mixed signals lately, and I don't know which to believe. I feel very bad about it, and I feel like I have too much say in how he is feeling a lot of the time. I guess if I really care about him I should leave him alone. I don't want to hurt his feelings or anything, but he could probably relax more if I did.

For what it is worth, it does not sound like he has DID. He may have DID, but from what you describe, DID isn't even a tiny part of the problems between you. Is it even relevant? Let's think about that... Let's say he does have DID. How does that in any way mitigate the relationship problems? It seems to me that only compounds them. How do you see this being okay?[/quote]


Also, what is it that doesn't sound like DID? I want to know what I'm getting wrong... thanks.

-- Tue Aug 08, 2017 5:47 pm --

TeddyBear the helper wrote:there is plenty of recourses and blogs on internet that explains did in various ways.

https://lifeasacommittee.wordpress.com/1018-2/did/
http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=76#typesdd
http://traumadissociation.com/dissociat ... tydisorder
https://www.igdid.com/h111-on-being-a-proper-multiple

and he seems to carry a part of the abuser's mentality within him. This part of him hates him and harms him and it also hates me because I have always wanted to help him.

Here is one explanation to that.. https://www.igdid.com/h145-what-are-introjects

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

How does this not sound like DID? First and foremost, he is extremely conflicted. That is absolutely not characteristic of DID. DID is all about being very certain, very sure about something, only there are sudden switches, usually resulting in reversals. One minute they prefer strawberry ice cream, the next they don't like it and they tell you they never, ever liked it. This is why DID so often looks like borderline personality disorder.

Also, introjects are nothing to do with DID. Everyone has them.

Una+ wrote:DID is all about being very certain, very sure about something

WHAT???
So if someone has an uncertain alter or several uncertain alters, they dont have DID???
-I would not like to be close to someone with hundreds of alters who all have narcissistic personalitytraits, what a warzone that would be..

Also, introjects are nothing to do with DID. Everyone has them.

Nope, introjects are by definition an alter, and if you have alters then you have DID.

Criteria for Dissociative Identity Disorder in the DSM-5

The first DID criteria is:

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) DSM-5 Criteria1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and thinking about the environment and self.

According to the DSM-5, personality states may be seen as an "experience of possession." These states "involve(s) marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual." (Read about dissociative identity disorder alters)