Falling in love all over again

Last week I was so close to shutting down as mom, this week I find myself falling in love all over again with my son.......As his system starts to become clearer to me and my understanding of his parts my love is growing more everyday. He is 12, we have had 12 yrs of chaos. I can remember saying "it is like he is a different kid" "how can one day he be one way then complete opposite a second later". Trials and tribulations at school, calls from principals offices, suspensions, being tackled by adult staff since K5, clearing classrooms to protect other children, chasing him through the school trying to catch him....Now looking back and the alters appearing now, coming forward and us having direct contact with them, everything makes sense now. I now understand each part has to approached a little differently, helping them work together and not fight.

The lasted one Luke reappeared, he has been gone for a while, he returned and was very mad and turned the system and us upside down. I now realize that Luke is the one that I have seen for so many years, he is the one that has been aggressive, he is one that hit me, he is the one that took on teachers at school, the police. But he also is the one that is the serious part, the logical one, the perfectionist. He has been here all along he simply now has the ability to express himself directly.

I can say that it breaks my heart but sometimes I think I am more pain as his mother than he is in. He is very open and little part will go into the store and play ninja like he is a big part. My heart just melts when I see this, I see this and I realize that this is his normal, this is all he knows he knows nothing else. He simply is learning how to take control of his own mind and for that I feel joy. If he is happy then what more can a mom ask for, what else can we strive for. We will continue to work towards bringing parts closer together and someday integrate but what I have realized that in the end it is his choice not mine. I simply love him for him, for every part of who he is, every aspect of his being I just hug and love and be there as he works his way through his journey.

I can relate to that from both sides, both as someone living with DID and as someone who loves another person living with DID. It hurts.

Is your son happy? I would say not. He is experiencing repeated violent altercations with other people, and those experiences have negative consequences for him both externally and internally. This is not good enough. This is not even close to good enough. The parts of him are pathologically compartmentalized and you may not have seen all of them yet, but you know that some of them exist in a chronic state of misery. Luke has reason to feel so much rage. His life is one battle after another. And he may appear to be near the body's age but probably isn't, because he has not actually had 10 years of accumulated life experience in the body.

This touches a real sore point for me but I will say more about that in my own very long thread...

Una+ wrote:I can relate to that from both sides, both as someone living with DID and as someone who loves another person living with DID. It hurts.

Is your son happy? I would say not.

There are times that he shows joy? Yes.....all the time no......But from living 12 yrs with him, for 12 yrs he has been all over the place. For the first time we know what is the true Dx and for the first time we really are making headway in helping him....So with any person that struggles with mental health concerns I value the times he smiles, is in the moment, as we help him work towards more times of coming to peace within himself.....I know we have a LONG road, but I am going to give him his time of happiness, whether it be little Austin, Austin, and now Luke, even he has started to show signs of happy feelings now that he is free to come out and not feel like he needs to hide. So I celebrate the progress we have made as we continue to grow.

Absolutely. Those moments are precious. They just cannot be allowed to happen at the expense of burying other parts of him. No parts in exile.

Una+ wrote:Absolutely. Those moments are precious. They just cannot be allowed to happen at the expense of burying other parts of him. No parts in exile.

I agree 100%, it is when parts feel unloved or in exile that further chaos occurs....This was so true when Luke reappeared, he felt unloved/unwanted, it was only when we where able to show him our love, speak to him, love on him did he settle down.....This is something we never understood before, we did not know that the "anger" that we have seen over the years was that of an alter. Now that this is known it gives us the ability to address where this anger comes from, baby steps baby steps. And I know we are only at the beginning of the journey but the journey now has made more progress in the last 9 months then we have in 12 yrs understanding/learning what is going on.....

Yes, baby steps.

Remember when this part (?) went missing and others were sure he was for ever gone, dead? And remember the grieving about that? The response here was don't worry, he isn't really dead, he'll be back.

Well now he is back and he is angry. Possibly he is exactly as angry as he was when he left, because to him no time has passed, that is he lost time. Or, maybe all that time he was gone he has been awake and stewing in his anger, somewhere inside. Or some combination. What was his subjective experience of that time away? Has he been watching from inside? Watching a lot, some, or not at all?

As usual, this is all very much situation normal. Normal, and in a way horrible. But even a very horrible situation can be tolerated, even seen as better than some alternatives. And, it gets better.