How do you cope with DID? What's life like?

I feel sick to my stomach. I am pretty sure I have DID and the more I learn about it the more it makes sense and the more my whole life makes sense and I feel psychotic and like an idiot for just going with the flow of things. I just went with it and pretended things were normal when I would randomly inexplicably appear in a new room or have friends I don't know and all sorts of stuff. Someone on another post I made said this is a diagnostic crisis and a phase but I don't think I can ever get over this bc it will never end, I will always have this problem! How do you cope with this? How do you carry on in day to day life and have kids and an SO? I am flipping out and feel alone and I'm sure I'll be able to just keep going on in life hiding my self like always but internally I feel as broken as my mind apparently is! I don't even know if I have this but I absolutely have to have some sort of mental problem, after all that I've done. I'm starting to deny that I even have the disorder bc no alter will talk to me anymore. I used to hear them but they wouldn't talk to me they would talk to each other. I can never tell when I've alternated until it's too late and my stuff is moved or my car is broken or whatever else they've done in the past. I'm terrified of them and who they might be and their silence and the memories of when they weren't silent and of how this has eternally destroyed my life! I don't want to have kids or am SO with this disorder! I could just hurt them or not be a good mother or they'd get sick of me and leave and I don't want to be with someone who is "fascinated" by me bC then I just feel like a freak and a lab rat and like they aren't seeing me for me(whoever that is). I'm so scared and angry and hurt and feel weak and I don't want it to be true but it's the only explanation for my entire life! I don't even know how it works. I read somewhere that the host could be an alternate. My mom once told me when I was very young I had a personality change and haven't gone back since. Did my personality change BBC of the abuse or Bc "I'm" an alternate? I don't even know who I am! I check off all the symptoms of DID to some degree. When I read about he symptoms and read people stories it all resonated with me and it is all so much like me. I bought a watch to keep track of the time but I forget. And I think I might have little mini alternatings bc I lose only like 5 minutes or I feel like I haven't lost any time but I'll look down and realize things have been moved or I'm in a different room. I just chalk it up to going on autopilot but sometimes that explanation doesn't make any sense at all and the only thing that does is alternating! What are your guys' life like? How do you do it? How did you cope? Why won't they talk to me? Did your guys' alternates ignore you? It feels like they recently just disappeared which makes me feel crazier bc maybe they never existed at all! Never existing doesn't make sense though! I don't want this to be the explanation but without this explanation nothing is real. Please talk to me and help me

Everything you are saying now is exactly what I thought around the time when I was first diagnosed.

For decades before my diagnosis I had mostly ignored the lost time and other symptoms, tolerated them, taken various security measures to mitigate them. It took me years to find out other people where not the same, so at first I was not aware that I was not like most other people in this respect. I thought these were problems everyone had. When finally some stuff happened that I could not ignore, and I began to address it head on like I do most other problems, almost immediately I got my diagnosis. And I accepted it 95% of the time, only there were fits of denial. So strange! But I could not deny I had something going on and, DID or not, I was determined to do something about it.

Like you, I used to lose time and have other problems with amnesia. Not anymore. Therapy has stopped that!

Cay cay, right now your others are not talking to you, but that is only for now. They are in hiding, giving you the silent treatment, "crickets", just like a lot of people do when they are at odds with someone. They may be really scared that you will expose them, or make them go away. They may fear you just like you fear them.

I know that right now you find it hard to believe, but: You can have a great life.

Right now, how about doing something nice for yourself? Treat yourself to a day off, get some fresh air and exercise, eat a good meal, do something fun.

Cay cay wrote:I feel sick to my stomach. I am pretty sure I have DID and the more I learn about it the more it makes sense and the more my whole life makes sense and I feel psychotic and like an idiot for just going with the flow of things. I just went with it and pretended things were normal when I would randomly inexplicably appear in a new room or have friends I don't know and all sorts of stuff. Someone on another post I made said this is a diagnostic crisis and a phase but I don't think I can ever get over this bc it will never end, I will always have this problem! How do you cope with this? How do you carry on in day to day life and have kids and an SO? I am flipping out and feel alone and I'm sure I'll be able to just keep going on in life hiding my self like always but internally I feel as broken as my mind apparently is! I don't even know if I have this but I absolutely have to have some sort of mental problem, after all that I've done. I'm starting to deny that I even have the disorder bc no alter will talk to me anymore. I used to hear them but they wouldn't talk to me they would talk to each other. I can never tell when I've alternated until it's too late and my stuff is moved or my car is broken or whatever else they've done in the past. I'm terrified of them and who they might be and their silence and the memories of when they weren't silent and of how this has eternally destroyed my life! I don't want to have kids or am SO with this disorder! I could just hurt them or not be a good mother or they'd get sick of me and leave and I don't want to be with someone who is "fascinated" by me bC then I just feel like a freak and a lab rat and like they aren't seeing me for me(whoever that is). I'm so scared and angry and hurt and feel weak and I don't want it to be true but it's the only explanation for my entire life! I don't even know how it works. I read somewhere that the host could be an alternate. My mom once told me when I was very young I had a personality change and haven't gone back since. Did my personality change BBC of the abuse or Bc "I'm" an alternate? I don't even know who I am! I check off all the symptoms of DID to some degree. When I read about he symptoms and read people stories it all resonated with me and it is all so much like me. I bought a watch to keep track of the time but I forget. And I think I might have little mini alternatings bc I lose only like 5 minutes or I feel like I haven't lost any time but I'll look down and realize things have been moved or I'm in a different room. I just chalk it up to going on autopilot but sometimes that explanation doesn't make any sense at all and the only thing that does is alternating! What are your guys' life like? How do you do it? How did you cope? Why won't they talk to me? Did your guys' alternates ignore you? It feels like they recently just disappeared which makes me feel crazier bc maybe they never existed at all! Never existing doesn't make sense though! I don't want this to be the explanation but without this explanation nothing is real. Please talk to me and help me

Cay cay,
Sorry, you are going throug this. I know it was a wild bit for me too when I first started to experience all this stuff too. Just realize these parts of you might not feel comfortable talking to you at first or allowing you to be aware. But if you're able to try to encourage these parts to journal anything that they may want to share with you. Show them love and respect and they are more likely to cooperate with you. I myself am a Male and some of my parts are female. Any time I'd try to dismiss feminine thoughts, concepts, or ideas I'd have in the past they would give me hell for it. In the form of blackouts amnesia or making me look gay in front of friends to get my attention. As soon as I was able to address those thoughts ideas and concepts with love and respect they would share more of my memories and would function a lot better with me. Over time I have become high functioning and I am co conscious and co aware and experience very little to rare amnesia episodes. Switching several times still happens but it is less chaotic. After all if you do have parts they too have been through some things and helped you through somethings and it is hard for both of you to be aware of each other. My own personal advice try to see if you can journal and be aware of anything that is mentioned and do your best to not be judgemental. Also see what other means to cope you can utilize like exercise, hobbies, music etc.
Sorry for the lengthy post but realize you can get through this.
Best of luck,
Browncat
Ps feel free to message me if you want.