Feeling like a fraud

Hi all,

Does anyone ever feel as though they have made up the whole thing and that everybody knows you are a fraud who is just trying to get a bit if attention? I had a second evaluation with a psychiatrist last week who confirmed my diagnosis. I don't know why but I could not look him in the eye. I feel such shame. As though I have not been through enough to deserve such a diagnosis. So many people have suffered more than me. I feel like a loser. Like I am genetically flawed. I am very high functioning and I feel I should not take such strain suddenly. It makes me want to drink myself into oblivion.

Just venting.

Kind regards

Yes, I'm also dealing with this at the moment. I was treated for DID twenty years ago but was never given a diagnosis. Was treated three years later but I thought that T was a little batty. I had a hard time living with the idea I 'might' have DID. I always assumed I had OSDD1-b because I figured my memory was too good, my co-consciousness too strong, my fugues too weak, my memory of my childhood too full (although I have black-out periods during 'objectively confirmed' abuse). I've thought for years that a real quantifiable diagnosis from an experienced T would solve my problem. I finally found a T with 31 years of experience with DID patients.

She laughed and told me that even if she diagnosed me with DID, I wouldn't believe it. She was right. She Dx'd me with DID and I immediately discounted it: she didn't see through me, the whole profession is nonsense because it can't see what a fraud I am.

***trigger warning... denial...***

I've been the host for 16 years now and my denial is impressive. I get that that's the host's job, to normalize, to pretend there's no DID. But my brain is going in circles. What seems most 'reasonable' for me is to 'get better' by denying even more fervently and forcing myself to get over these "delusions".

The delusions make me feel ashamed and the shame makes me feel lonely.

****end trigger warning....***

If anyone has practical advice over how hosts can work towards accepting the diagnosis, I'd appreciate it.

-- Nameless Host

Thanks for the comments,

Wish I had some words of wisdom. Nice to know that I am not alone in all of this. I guess I read some of the posts here and I think: "Don't you people realise that other people think you are wacko?" It is as though I still need to hide all this. I admire people who are comfortable with being "out".

Good luck on your journey (another word I dislike - ha-ha-ha)

Kind regards

Hi,

I'm not a host so it's kind of weird that I'm posting here but I want to help. When Host goes into denial - which is a lot - we remind him that he doesn't NEED a diagnosis to understand this. I mean he's run this experiment called therapy where he talks to us and we learn to work together and it makes life better for him. He's got DATA on this!

Just my ideas.

Iain

Aww Iain you have so many words of wisdom. You guys are ace.

Thanks LittleMie. I like helping people and it's good to know I'm doing a good job.

Host are kind of weird. There's SO much they don't know about stuff but they're the adults. I know their job is to look normal but that also means they go into denial ALL THE TIME. Denial is actually hard on us inside. When Host is in denial he stops listening to me and then he gets embarrassed by Evan's toys and throws them away. Seriously bad idea! I try to understand but REALLY? It's not like we're new at this.

Oops hijacking the thread. Sorry.

Iain

i often feel like a fraud. 3 times confirmed diagnosis.
now we are getting ready to see a new T and all i can think is that she is a "real" pro for DID and she will be the one who will find out that i have made it all up. i almost feel relieved about seeing her so that all this weirdness comes to an end. i hope that when she says i made it all up, i will suddenly turn normal and have a normal life...

for some it is denial. in some sinister cases this sense of being a fraud was programmed by the abusers.
all i know is that it doesnt help to entertain these thoughts. even when i feel stupid and crazy, life works better when i pretend like this was real and deal with it like it was real.

the other get really hurt when i go into denial. i know how hard it is on the littles especially. they deserve better. i have had to ask forgiveness so many times in the past...
now i try to hold this sense if being a fraud on some distance, i oberserve that it happens but i keep my mind and emotions outside. just a distant observer of this happening again.
and i keep acting with responsibility for the team. so at least nobody else gets hurt

birdsong87 wrote:i keep acting with responsibility for the team. so at least nobody else gets hurt

Hi L,

You're a great host.

Sometimes I think that the I'm a fraud thing is the special way hosts do shame. I mean our system has got tons of shame. Sometimes it leaks all over the place and I think then maybe Host catches it too. But he doesn't always know its from inside. What if the I'm a fraud feeling is really about the abuse? I mean I'm a fraud is a lot like I'm dirty and broken and nobody will believe me.

I'm not really that smart so I'm sorry if I got this wrong ok?

Iain

it is a curious thing and probably different for everyone.
i am not aware of shame, which doesnt mean that its not there.
for me things start to become unreal when i have contact with the FOO. they seem happy and they seem normal and what we remember becomes unreal.
things start to become unreal when i tell the whole story. its so massive. maybe i am hiding in denial so it wont crush me.
i have def figured out that it happens when something is "too much". i know that i need to slow down a little, its like having a cramp in the brain, i gotta loosen my grip for a moment.
and it happens when we are doing too well. when the sun is shining and everything works out well without crisis. then i wonder if things are really as bad as i thought they were.

Situation normal.

The way I broke out of the infinite loop was this: either I have DID or I have Factitious Disorder that involves thinking I have DID. Either way, I still need help. This reasoning is persuasive even for people who deny that DID exists.

As I often say, this level of denial is a disorder.