a long journey

i am having a quite long journey in my life and i think i studied many things.i was so anxious during daytime and all.my mind was under a great coping mechanism.the mehanism is strong.i know its dissociation and i was reserved in this strong wall that kept me away from even small minute details frim my life...
i smoke to escape pain of my life.i smoke so that this dissociation is no longer a problem as i have many other problems in life that need reassurance timely.i know i have many problems many one.many of it has no solution.and i still live thats it that counts.there is no easy escape and all.there is no cure and all.like i go to therapy and everything will go away one day.but something helps in someway if some thought is put in it...
I started to take phonw therapy and during i underatanded i am si much diasociating in home also.i am overriden by many thoughts deep.iam anxious.every image that comea to me has the stress content in it.the pain is in it.the pain i am feeling every secong now...i cannot deny it.as it is a part of my life....
i get frustrated when i see other peoples all enjoying their life with all sorts of luxuries.all sort of freedom.where i myself trapped in thid mental jail.i want to correct everything..but.....

noone gave me respect no one i was this type of person where anyone cannot call at everytime because my mind shifts timely.and sometime i am freaked out..stressed out so that i cant even speak or help anyone.everyone dont like me.no one even knows me to be more precise.nobody gave their attention to me.coz i am standing tall without even a inch of my body moving....
who loves to talk to me....
i get a walk today just ti relieve the anxiety it helped not because of the walk but i was happened to see my friend.there are times where even nobody cares me and i will become this all alone state.that is when i dissociate the most....

when considering my face i feel so sad for its situation.it is feeling a lot of pain.i am so sad that i am going through this with this never ending cycle of overwhelming feelins and sensations...i feel so much sorry for myself...