Co-morbidity?

Hey all

I m completely new to the forum. I have read a lot online about different mental ilnesses etc in the last years because I have no idea why I feel this way and especially why I feel like 2 different people (at least).

I have started seeing a therapist recently and she introduced me to parts therapy. I have important amnesia issues (not remembering how I was as a kid) and a general huge-anxiety-filled blockage. I can say that I feel as two people at least in one body and the second one woke up after a severe change in my life, age-wise I put her at 14-17 years old and she is filled with hatred for absolutely everyone including parents, myself, other people around etc. She does not like how my life is today and I can almost say that she has either BPD or the beginning of schizophrenia. After the support of my boyfriend I decided to "write" to these different parts of mysef yesterdy and it was extremely easy to access them. The 14-17 year old one is stuck in 2007 and she hates how my life has been since then, hates that I didn't do some things back then and hates many other things. On the other hand she is filled with life, passion etc (imagine the classic teenager but without the drugs and with all the machismo).

In any case, these years with all the changes I ve been through the system has become considerably unhinged and I have suffered from severe disassociation where parts of me were fighting. I have never taken any psychiatric drugs and somehow magically havent lost contact with consensus reality although it feels that I perceive info from the environment as if I am two people the teenager one and me. So all in all, what I want to ask, is it possible for an alter to have a disorder? Like a serious one?

Yesterday when I talked with her we managed to talk a little bit and to contain her but today (as all previous days) she is lose and she is a part filled with anger and pain, not trusting almost anyone, wanting to be independent but not knowing how to.

What are your thoughts on this? Is it safe for me to journal or are there dangers of slipping into complete psychosis? Although the process yesterday was ok, by the end I felt strange since it was the first time I was aknowledging there were different versions of me

Hi vasw_89. Welcome to the DID Forum.

It is possible, even normal, for an alter to have traits or states associated with certain other disorders. But there are two reasons why this does not equal mental illness. 1: Mental illness is about the whole person not parts of the person. 2: When the problem is DID or OSDD, therapy work directly with the parts, dealing first with their subjective experiences of dissociation and then with their trauma, tends to resolve all the other symptoms.

One of my insiders was like your teen. She "woke up" one day to find her life utterly changed and did not like it. Who would? She went from being young and on the cusp of independence, her life ahead of her, to being kind of a disembodied ghost, a passenger in the body of a middle aged woman with a husband and kids. Whoa, stop the bus I want to get off!!! She was also the first who fused with me. The fusion was spontaneous and at the time we had no idea that was even possible, but it worked for us.

I read your other post in the OCD Forum and I can relate to how scared you are, how it feels like you must be going crazy. I have been there, done that. That feeling is so normal here, so common, that we have a stock response:

You are not crazy and you are not alone.

Yes, journaling is generally safe and effective. So now that you have written to her, has she written back? Have you left the journal out for her? Asked or invited her to write in it? If that doesn't work, something else you can try is to start writing with your other hand. It doesn't matter what you write, just that you start the writing. She may be able to express herself then.

Expressing intense feelings in a safe manner tends to ease the intensity. Some of the "pressure cooker" feeling you may be having now are the result of your keeping a lid on her rather than letting her out. Writing is a really safe outlet. And once you know her a little better and feel safer with her, you may feel safe enough to allow her to have executive control of the body. You may even share and enjoy her youthful energy and enjoyment of the body.

Hi vasw_89's teen alter,

I'm Iain and I'm a 14 year old boy inside a WAY older guy. Sometimes it sucks A LOT! Sometimes it's cool - think car and a credit card! It took a lot to work it out with Host (the old guy) but I had to or we were both going to be miserable forever.

The biggest deal was getting him to stop ordering me around!!!! In return I had to stop doing stupid sh*t when he wasn't looking. It's a trust thing. We started by writing to each other a lot. I said some stupid stuff (and tore up journals and ripped out pages) because I was mad. He got mad too but didn't shame me. Our T says that's NOT cool! I finally figured out Host wasn't why I was mad. I was hurting because of the ABUSE. Host doesn't want me to hurt but he can't stop me from feeling bad about sh*t in the past. But he didn't do it to me!!!

Now we work together everyday. He really wants me around. We both want things to go good for the Littles. It still sucks being in an old body but we're safe now and have money to buy stuff. Pretty good.

Write back if you want to.

Iain

Una and Ian thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

You are amazing, both of you! Una I am so relieved you read my other post about OCD and schizophrenia, your reply was incredible.

Yes she wrote back filled with anger and hatred and i tried to tell her that if anyone can save her it is me and that seemed to apease her and make her come in the body again and it felt incredible to be integrated like that again. This whole thing is very new to me and frankly quite scary but the feeling of feeling whole agin is extraordinary, like peace, like one, and no amount of philosophizing or researching online can compare to it. Another problem i have is that I am scared that if I start writing to them I will go too much in my head and go crazy. There are so many parts of me that I didnt know and they are intertwined. Is that possible, for some of them to be intertwined, like the 14 year old to appear inside the 20 year old etc?

I have an appointment on wednesday with my therapist where I ill discuss these things but I am very very scared about the possibility of recovery in general.

Funny thing is that I am in a position to turn things around and give my 14-year od her dream job etc and to study again (i have no other obligations) but she says that there is no point now because life has taken this course anyway and it didnt start out correctly from the beginning and is generally quite traumatised about how things have gone. She has dragged me through and incredible race through the years to volunteer and approch a goa of studying for another BSc ut no that it is possible she is sad because her life was not nice until now. '

God it feels weird to talk like that, like there are separate beings inside me...

Again thank you very much all of you, you ve made me very happy <3

I read your other post in the OCD Forum and I can relate to how scared you are, how it feels like you must be going crazy. I have been there, done that. That feeling is so normal here, so common, that we have a stock response:


Una specifically for the above, I have spent the last year severely disassociated (probably because my identity is not formed very tightly to begin with) and googled extensively on paranoia and the such. Mymind has spewed one thing after the other and I ve been in an internal war with few external signs apart from irritability. I have not gone completely schizophrenic yet or anything but I have become severely depressed obviously and suicidal, The parts things is quite new to me and obviously there is a part of me that is paranoid and the more I ve tried to think as logically as possible, the stronger that parts get (I try to rationalise everything, even things that people are naturally paranoid about like someone walking on the street). This whole stupidity started because I ve read so many self-help books that I don't allow any negative thoughts entering my head. I consider myslef still quite eloquent and able so I don't think I am schizophrenic but there is clearly something wrong with me and I have pinpointed it to the fact that I disassociate and I don't really understand my reactions anymore and hence the googlig. Today I called the Samaritans and talked to someone about my break-up 4 years ago and emories started flooding before I blocked them but I literally felt the colors of the room around me getting brighter and my soul relaxing. So I am quite sure that remembering is the way to go. Remembering, feeling, accepting non-judgementaly, releasing, embodying the memories. Does it make any sense?

Yes, journaling is generally safe and effective. So now that you have written to her, has she written back? Have you left the journal out for her? Asked or invited her to write in it? If that doesn't work, something else you can try is to start writing with your other hand. It doesn't matter what you write, just that you start the writing. She may be able to express herself then.
She has responded and she feels like a very solid identity with clear ideas of what she wanted while growing up, very unforgiving, angry and very explosive but not very secure and not very strong for the long run. She is extremely good for emergencies but running 24/7 just depletes the whole system. I need her strength and her zest for life but when I deny her because of how my life is now or because of the dreams she can't achieve anymore she leaves. How did you deal with the anger of yours? how did you convince her to stay in there and not move?

Expressing intense feelings in a safe manner tends to ease the intensity. Some of the "pressure cooker" feeling you may be having now are the result of your keeping a lid on her rather than letting her out. Writing is a really safe outlet. And once you know her a little better and feel safer with her, you may feel safe enough to allow her to have executive control of the body. You may even share and enjoy her youthful energy and enjoyment of the body.[/quote]

I really enjoy her whenever I feel her, she is full of lust, zest for life and strength. She is the one coming out when my little sister feels threatened for example etc. BUT she is very specific about how her life should have been and does not want to come in again since it did not turn out that way.She is not flexible, likes things she knows and likes to be in control of situations. When that does not happen, she or I , regress to a child that try to be as quiet as possibl in order to not create conflict. It is like an on/off switch, either vulnerable quiet kid that waits to be saved, or destructive force of nature, no inbetweens. She feels I ve sided with my parents and that I betrayed her. But I need her, without her I am extremely depressed. How do I do it? She feels mostly like a wild energy that can be deadly if not listened to, does it make any sense? I was exactly like that when I was a teenager, unforgiving, beautiful, flirty, stubborn, strong but also very anxious and fought anxiety and sadness with closing off even more. That is why I feel she is BPD. Or I am BPD and the disassociation is part of it. God this thing goes in loops doesn't it?

In any case, thank you very much for all your insights, it is very helpful to me to see how things are for you and to take hope.

Vasw[/b]

Just a quick reply. My name is Heather. We have a young part named Terrin who has BPD. She was host for ten years during which time we were hospitalized more times than I can count. In 2010 we had a host change and became much more stable but last year we decided Terrin still needed healing and started writing to her. With the help of our T we have been able to contain her self destructiveness and help her to find her identity a little bit. It is still a work in progress but I think you are off to a great start.
Heather

vasw_89 wrote:In any case, these years with all the changes I ve been through the system has become considerably unhinged and I have suffered from severe disassociation where parts of me were fighting. I have never taken any psychiatric drugs and somehow magically havent lost contact with consensus reality although it feels that I perceive info from the environment as if I am two people the teenager one and me. So all in all, what I want to ask, is it possible for an alter to have a disorder? Like a serious one?

What are your thoughts on this? Is it safe for me to journal or are there dangers of slipping into complete psychosis? Although the process yesterday was ok, by the end I felt strange since it was the first time I was aknowledging there were different versions of me

When I first read this post I knew there was something that I wanted to say but couldn't quite connect it up. Just had a shower and that has helped focus and this is it.

We have Morgan who has a lot of ideas about the darker side of things she sees signs and symbols all over the place and this makes her happy and secure....but when she is around M (host? who is now depressed so whole system is out of kilter) thinks that 'we' as a whole do not have DID and that Morgan is a symptom of a/her psychosis. Morgans beliefs also affect the littles who have nightmares when she is about.

We have journaled for a while and this lead to spontaneous letter writing. I find we sometimes avoid it because the fog seems too thick and being lost sometimes feels easier than picking your way through it. Don't know if that makes any sense. The loops and circuits seem endless at times.

I thank you for your post. Has reminded me that we are currently in a loop and need to do some connecting up.