What to do about the paranoid one?

Hi all

We've recently struck some personal instability. We think we will need to change therapists soon, though we don't really want to. We have an issue that in where we live there is a lack of therapists that are experienced and actually do types of therapy that we are interested in doing. We had problems with the previous one working out where to go after and now we will have that problem again.

More of a problem than that though, because I suppose I view changing therapists as something we'll be able to cope with, is the fact that this instability and another couple of unstable situations in our life at the moment is bringing out a paranoid one. I knew we had some paranoid tendencies but I didn't realise quite how bad. We sort of want to move to a different city to see if we can find a suitable therapist but I don't think we will manage this while we have this one influencing everyone's feelings so much. I think I've settled that we will need to try to find a not quite adequate therapist here and see if we can get our sh*t together enough to be able to move later.

But for that to happen we need to get our paranoid one calmed. She seems to think that one of our parents will chase after us or try to get us institutionalised if we try to move. She seems to think that if we change therapists our parent will come and find the new therapist and hassle them to break confidentiality. She is just very very worried and it's making us overall feel depressed and suicidal. Not me, just everyone else in the system.

I'm not really sure what I should do about this. I find it hard to take that seriously, it seems a bit of an extreme thing to imagine. Yet I'm not sure if it's based in reality of that one's experiences or not so I'm not really sure how to deal. I suspect that probably some is based in reality and some is just paranoid without necessarily coming to fruition.

Does anyone have any ideas how I should handle this? None of us have much communication with her, though she has been writing in our journal, it's not really like she can seem to be swayed by our (I think) more rational thinking. I want to plan for this transition without our whole world falling apart but it's just really difficult while there is Paranoia lurking...

Sorry for the essay, even if you don't have comments, I appreciate that you took the time to listen to me. I hold the logical sh*t together by the way, I don't talk to you guys much but I've always liked it here.

Green

How about talk it through with your current therapist? All of it. You may have to speak for this one at first but perhaps once the talking starts you will be able to step back and let her speak for herself.

This will help you all to sort out which fears are based in reality, and also come up with actions you can take now to stay safe. And for what it's worth, I think the paranoid one (cautious one, diligent one?) is looking out for your welfare, and doing a good job of it too.

Your current therapist may be able to help you find a new therapist for you to see after you move. In some jurisdictions the therapist is required to provide this service to you as part of the termination process, at no cost to you.

Una's got good ideas.

I'm a protector and see A LOT of threats around us everyday. That's a hard way to live. What makes me really crazy is nobody listening to me. I need Host to check in with me regularly. Like going out the front door - "Hey Colin, we looking good out there?" Having a real job got me serious about rating the threats I see. Sometimes I say back - "Just low level threats. Good to go."

I don't know if this will work for you but it worked for me.

One night Host was walking up to an ATM out of town. I saw 2 guys hanging out too close.Then they looked at each other like 'get this one'. I started yelling "Major threat! Pass it! Pass it!" Host thanked me later.

Colin

As a part who gets paranoid myself, I need a lot of love and understanding. It helps to be told that I'm being paranoid in a soft way that invites me to think about whether there is proof and then to modify my fear to something a bit more realistic, though thinking positive just makes me feel like I am being lied to. So for example I'll take the thought "I have a deadly disease" and see what concrete proof I have both to support this idea and to disprove it. Then I make a new thought which is not "I am totally healthy" but something balanced like "I might have an illness but most things can be treated these days." This is a bit of CBT. Maybe your paranoid part can get treatment for their anxieties independent of the group work?
C

we have one who seems to be paranoid and also very prone to emotional hijacking. they (whoever they are; we don't know a name for them or even much anything, other than their sudden appearance during emotional-hijacking attempts by our brain) get very competitive with others' successes, feel hurt when friends pay more attention to others than to us, etc. a VERY unhealthy, not-us part...

rather than deny them, we explain to all present that there's no need to feel these things. these are things that are valid feelings, yes, but they also can be released and not carried-on-with or embraced/followed into a downward emotional episode like they used to with us.

being paranoid just seems to go hand in hand with amagdala (spelling?) hijacking for us. we have read very helpful info online about curbing those attacks and it has helped Tremendously. rather than make emotional/later-regrettable social-media posts about, say, our blown-outta-proportion reactions to perceived slights from other0bodied people... we take some time... we remember that the perceived wronger loves us and is not out to make us feel alone or bad, and we only keep strong bonds with other-bodied people who DO love us and treat us in consistent ways like that... it helps.

-- Sat Feb 18, 2017 9:55 pm --

Another occurrance of our dealing-with this is: we have sabotaged less in other-bodied friendships. it's like this: if we wrongly perceive another-bodied friend of slighting us (when there's really no basis for it; like, if they hung out with us yesterday and have plans for next week, but, say, ask another friend to go to an event, etc...) rather than lashing out at ourselves or other bodies for that... we prevent that potential damage/self-damage by stepping back, inventorying things mentally, but not stepping away and becoming distant in a passive aggressive manner. we act as things were before the perceived slight... we remember that we are a body, just as others are bodies, and we can still exist and live and thrive doing what we (in-system) do and hope that our other-bodied friends have a good time. their love for another does not diminish their love for us.

as a polyamorous/nonmonogamous person, i have somewhat-frequent practice in this. we are not a jealous system at heart, but if paranoia and jealousy appear, we can ride it out rather than go off with reactions that could end up truly making an issue where there is non.e

Listen to it. Consider the opinions given. Give it at least two-thirds weight in comparing it to your "non-paranoid" ones. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not watching you, you know? It's there for a reason. Good luck.

^yes to this. I have found that denying or not-listening-to an alter is Not a good thing.

granted, it can get dicey if that alter wants to do something destructive. But even then, it seems like offering them a loving support system rather than denying them works better, for me. When my irate-at-injustices alter (who is 6-foot-4-inches of male-bodied muscle) wants to punch someone for saying a homophobic comment, our system's 5-foot-4 nonmuscular body cannot do that, so we work to calm them down rather than pretend that the idea does not cross our mind.)

Hi all

Thank you all so much for your responses...

Una+ wrote:How about talk it through with your current therapist? All of it. You may have to speak for this one at first but perhaps once the talking starts you will be able to step back and let her speak for herself.

Yes I suppose that does make a lot of sense. It doesn't sound like a fun idea but it does seem like a sensible approach. I'll try talking this over with my therapist. It will definitely be easier if I start out by saying her fears also. I'm almost positive she'd come to talk about it.

Una+ wrote:diligent one?) is looking out for your welfare, and doing a good job of it too.

Thanks

Una+ wrote:Your current therapist may be able to help you find a new therapist

Yes, he will help me find a new therapist. Even if I just get his recommendations and have to move later...

IainEtc wrote:Having a real job got me serious about rating the threats I see. Sometimes I say back - "Just low level threats. Good to go.

I really like the idea of rating threats. I'm gonna suggest that to all our others.

ColouredLeaves wrote:Maybe your paranoid part can get treatment for their anxieties independent of the group work?

We aren't allowed to do independent treatment at the moment due to the arrangement we have with our current therapist but I think your ideas about looking for proof of your anxieties and being able to evaluate them against the evidence are good.

LindseySays wrote:rather than deny them, we explain to all present that there's no need to feel these things. these are things that are valid feelings, yes, but they also can be released and not carried-on-with or embraced/followed into a downward emotional episode like they used to with us.

I think for this particular one the feelings are actually valid to some degree and also need to be listened to and acted upon to some degree by us as a whole. There are others in our system though that would definitely benefit from the approach you mention when they start to over-perceive slights and the like.

SelfStranger wrote:Listen to it. Consider the opinions given. Give it at least two-thirds weight in comparing it to your "non-paranoid" ones. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not watching you, you know? It's there for a reason. Good luck.

Well everything I'm worried about is because of that parent's past actions. It's informed by what I remember. They gotta sit up and take notice. Thanks for suggesting to them they should give some of what I say some weight.
I thought your idea of weighting them against each other was interesting . It made me realise most parts are not generally wanting to counter her opinion too much. Even though I was already fairly certain we need to listen to some degree, it seems more valuable to think about weighting it now that I realise there actually isn't a ton of countering her going on. The other parts think she might be exaggerated about some things, but even their views don't seem to aim to counter what she says particularly strongly. They more aim to counter what actions she suggests to fix particular imagined situations that could arise.

LindseySays wrote:I have found that denying or not-listening-to an alter is Not a good thing.

granted, it can get dicey if that alter wants to do something destructive.

Hmmm interesting. Yes it's not really destructive actions that she has in mind to deal with the situation. I think it's the feeling of being trapped that's causing the suicidal feelings but it seems that most of what the paranoid one has in mind is more practical actions we could take to avoid behaviours that parent might do to us.

salted lipstick wrote:Well everything I'm worried about is because of that parent's past actions. It's informed by what I remember. They gotta sit up and take notice. Thanks for suggesting to them they should give some of what I say some weight.
I thought your idea of weighting them against each other was interesting . It made me realise most parts are not generally wanting to counter her opinion too much. Even though I was already fairly certain we need to listen to some degree, it seems more valuable to think about weighting it now that I realise there actually isn't a ton of countering her going on. The other parts think she might be exaggerated about some things, but even their views don't seem to aim to counter what she says particularly strongly. They more aim to counter what actions she suggests to fix particular imagined situations that could arise.

You're welcome, Yellow!

Maybe two-thirds, isn't the right amount of weight, but I'm sure all of you will be able to find a healthy balance with more open and fair dialogue. It might be good to consider taking these "paranoid" suggestions seriously, and rationally thinking about them and talking it all out, so all of you can understand what is truly "paranoid" and what is more reasonable. (Sorry if that's confusing.) Just a suggestion. Best wishes to you all.