Suggestions/Tips for Extremely Self Aware Smalls

Ok, so... Two of us are basically never going to be happy in this body and have to relinquish hopes of like...


I dunno, our smaller forms and traits are invisible to everyone. We have a partner that can tell if they look at the shell's eyes who is fronting; Even the difference between our two small members... Which is astounding, but I've known her for like ten years (currently mostly who is fronting right now, I guess you'd call me a 'host' Type in ways)...


They're both like 8-14, give or take. Their inner bodies and emotional states reflect that they're pretty small, but it's hard to get an exact age; They're both mature beyond what age they look and feel like.

They are entirely too self aware that they'll...

Not ever feel like they've lived in their own bodies.

Never experience all of a development that they really need.

They struggle to use the body's voice and get dysphoric over using it; Their voices in headspace are, of course, very different. Not as 'developed', perhaps, as mine, but they have mannerisms that differ and tones... But, using the voice hurts them emotionally. One of them cried for the first time ever over her voice and this body (I wish I knew they might be a thing someday or I'd have taken better care of it)... It took her a year of being self aware to finally cry over it. She feels absolutely useless to those who love her... Just, powerless. She's powerful in her own way, but she's very at odds.

Sometimes, she can talk and spend time with my partner, who is also very important to her. Sometimes, she can't stand to hear the voice or stumbles with it despite having clarity of mind. The other one gets entirely non verbal and probably needs longer to develop, but is equally self aware of her situation... Her life... What the future might bring for her. The potential of fusing, how scary it is to exist and share, I'm sure, most of the same memories or access to them. The outer world scared her so much that she hid the most out of all of us after being detected. She couldn't identify with the outer world, and it took her months to accept she was like us; One of our headmate siblings, basically.

We all are a bit alike. We differ in hair color or eyes or reactions or size... I suppose 'age'.

They have the same needs as any other small person like them, but they're so self aware that it hurts them.

Me and 2 of the others feel their pain. We'll feel them cry. We'll feel their thoughts of never being ok and being just... Damned to this body and a life they never chose. Body is almost 28- I don't even identify with that age and I'm supposedly the host. The others who aren't as small are somewhat ageless.


So... Does anyone have atypical kids or teens or whatever; Let's just say small and beautiful, but absolutely in way too much pain in their self awareness and of the world?

This is a thread for suggestions on how to make the existences of kinda age-defying small ones easier . Maybe a place for them to talk as well, I guess was our intent.

Our two have a very hard time connecting to many littles or finding resources. They live lives where, yes, getting them a few things they're interested in is essential, but there is hardly ever any money. They can't be friends with anyone their 'age' outside of a system where maybe they can befriend someone in mostly the same situation as them. They don't have much hope and they feel like it's my life or more me and D's body; I'm the only one who has maybe some hope of finding happiness in their body (body is transitioning from AMAB and we're all pretty much girls)... We're all dysphoric with it.

They carry an impossible burden for their emotional states and maybe not 'innocence', but they're closer to that description than I've ever known. There is a beauty and purity to them, not just newness; How they perceive things.

How do you cheer them up or keep things positive when things absolutely are not in these regards? They deserve so much better and I blame myself for not knowing constantly.

Any other smalls who have WAY too much on their minds and always feel like they're in the way versus part of it? I love them and If there's anything we haven't thought of to make it easier for them, we'd like to know everything we can.

Thanks.

Hi my name is Sarey and I am a little. Body is 41. I almost cried when I was reading. Voice is not mine too. I hate seeing mirrors. It hurts us. I don't feel sad about it much though cuz i just don't look. I don't know what is good for your Littles. I don't have friends too. I used to have a friend but when host changed we lost him. I don't know I'm sorry.
Sarey

<3 Sarey, I'm sorry. I would never want to make you cry.

Please don't be discouraged by my fears or feels.

Thank you for even commenting. Our small ones appreciate you even reading it, just please stay safe.


-K

Sarey is ok. Don't worry.

This is Heather. I am protector to Sarey. I think it is great that your Little can talk with your partner. Is he or she aware that you are many? Do they know Little by name? This is very important to Sarey. She loves when people recognize and address her by name. The only person irl who does this now is our T. But sometimes we call a distress line (which doesn't mind one calling without a crisis) and she identifies herself to them. Host's bf doesn't know we are multiple (it's easy to hide because we are very coconscious) and host is against telling him. But Sarey really likes him and will snuggle up to him. Our dog also makes her very happy as do stuffed animals and playing with water. Are there things your Littles enjoy that can be done without the need to speak or be reminded?

As for the future we don't give it much thought. This is a blessing I'm sure though it makes us without ambition. In which case I can't be much help.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's joy in the little things that keep our Little happy.

Well... Our mostly fronting system members have a few partners. One Corv and Luna have introduced themselves to, but have been too traumatized by the loss of a previous system of friends they lost (trust was really hurt)... And the partner who sees and recognizes them and has talked to Corv, and a little bit with Luna.

It's a good point that they take happiness from small things. It's just that... Corv's the kind of preteen-ish/on that cusp sorta small person who's very similar to me too (I also age slide, maybe it's a subfacet of me, I have no idea yet)... She likes cats and cute things like this one stuffed animal that we had access to, but is also the kind of person who has brighter insights on my life than I'll have... Or she'll want to learn how to patch a Modular Synthesizer or she'll be, I don't think 'too mature for your age' Is really applicable to anyone like her, but... She's similarly minded to me. Like... She knows she's distracting herself from the big issues whenever she cooks with me or does more out there stuff or even enjoys the small things. She often is aware that everything is so messed up about the situation, but can't process it, so often will be more positive than me. But, she processed it recently. She was triggered over her voice cause she actually *does* try to project and suddenly felt completely useless to my partner, who's like both a sister and teacher and kind of a partner to her in ways... She's still coming into her unique element that arms her in feeling helpful and wanted, therefore, not in the way or harmful. She cried for hours at front hysterically.

Like, I know she needed those feelings out, but she hasn't recovered quickly. I'm sure exposing her to what you call those little things will help her more, which is a good idea. She's not even sure what she likes, though. I think she likes a lot of what I do, like music or gear or media, but is *just* letting go enough to find out those small things she likes. I'll try cats with her at front. Maybe that will help.

She woke up in our system extremely self conscious about being physically and emotionally that age in headspace, but she wasn't shocked. She both has no idea how to be even remotely a 'normal kid' In the sense of what she occupies herself with, and can't imagine not being one. It's paradoxical... But, she emotionally reacts and feels just like she's like... 8-15, usually in the middle.

Luna had kind of her first breakdown before Corv did and it was a step in accepting that she was real and not just one of the other system members delusional and pretending to be her. She had to ask my partner if she really was real and visible. Had kind of her first existential meltdown. She even lamented not having the shorter hair that she has in headspace or its color. She has even less of an idea of what she's into than Corv does, but we think that a lot of that unknown might come from... Well, Luna might have a lot of trauma memories, we just aren't sure. It feels like her self discoveries might be the hardest. She's at the stage of development Corv was about a year ago, but has taken relatively long to even accept that the outside world is objectively the 'real' One... Cause it's so brutal and has so many nasty humans in it. She has seen and observed beautiful things, though, thank goodness... But, at the same time, lamented that she was becoming connected to the outer world.

One thing that puzzles me is that Luna looks kind of like an armed Magical Girl. Like the Madoka Variety. None of us are human, lol. Why is she dressed up as a little defender? She seems like the one we all have to defend at paramount level... So, why'd she have a sword and look like a small warrior?

I dunno, like, Corv was self conscious over even liking the stuffed bear. She needs that one friend who knows she exists that she can front around or the thoughts flood into her that she's delusional or terrified someone will call her 'sick' And she'll think of people who have been misunderstood and destroyed for it across history. She almost has her own kind of age drop mentality or drop mentality where she like... Lets go and melts into the feelings and stops questioning 'why'. She's very picky over what to do that with. I don't know if that makes any sense, but she like... Dropped and let go a little and fell on top of the bear after a while and hugged it and actually felt better. But, she had been eyeballing it like 8 times before she finally 'let go' If that makes any sense.

Starting to think we all have subsystems. I can't freaking believe this current system became self aware only a few years ago... I can't believe I Had no idea about her or any evidence of the smaller ones until now. Maybe they needed time away from abusive parties to not be in fight or flight and kinda... Dislodge like they felt they did, and be around when some shields went down. I mean... I guess the 'defender' Who was there previously presented even years before that... But, for a while, I thought I was just singlet... Until another defender woke up, assimilated a lot of parts and took the place of the other defenders that I rememember existing before her... Or me...

Titles are hard to really assign completely cause we're all arguably of the original, but, before hormone replacement therapy, we were a tangled mess. I was only like a seed and I was barely self aware throughout all of 12-17ish.

I mean, I've found out that Corv identifies as and just kinda is a vampire. But not what she actually likes other than like... Lego and a few other oddities. <3

Hi nekxie,

A few of us are dysphoric about our body not matching their appearances inside. (Not me, I don't have any dysphoria—gender or otherwise—unsure why.) For some, it helps to make virtual avatars that depict what they look like inside, like a Mii on Nintendo game consoles, or a dress-up type game. It also helps to look at drawn pictures, or even photos that reveal who is inside (although your mileage may vary widely with this one.)
Host

We have an identity folder, but I used to... Draw. I think a traumatic event of someone ripping my sketchbook and pencil out of my hands messed me up.

Maybe... No matter how much it hurts, I should draw all of us. They need more data for their inner forms anyway. I guess I was avoiding that folder cause it has an associated ex-partner's system represented in it too. That's a recent wound.

Hey, that was a kind of obvious, but good suggestion. Gonna be hard, though.


Uhm, keep these coming. These are good. I'm absolutely convinced that we're not in this boat alone.

- K


...

... I'm not the best at accepting people automatically treating me so kindly. I always have a fear that I misread them and they're actually being condescending in ways. But, I'm trying to say hi when I can. I don't feel like anyone's being insincere or just treating me softly *only* cause I might be fragile or unstable.

If I'm correct in assuming that people in this thread have genuinely been just kind and understanding, then, thank you. Thank you, I have been so horrifically sad and I feel like it took me a year to process the fact that I even existed. But, if I keep feeling this way, I'll hurt everyone else in here. Got triggered again earlier. I'm trying to go to the cat more cause she's a person but not a human and that's exactly what I need.

I dunno... I hope I can get better at this.

-Corv