Memories from lost host's days

Hi. My name is Terrin and I was host a long time ago. I am front now for the first time in years. And memories just keep coming to me. Things the system never thought of in years. They are not embedded with feelings. If anything the feelings are pleasant. Host considers it dangerous and I can feel her fretting about nightmares oncoming because I am front and her ability to work tomorrow. The others I am cut off from. Host says it's proof that I am real because she had doubts. But the fact that these memories surfaced when I took over proves that I AM. I can feel her close but this is definitely me. It's so strange. It's been seven years they tell me. So much has changed.
Terrin

Hi Terrin ~ welcome back!!!

Are you the Original, or "core" personality? I thought I was, my whole life, but it turns out I am actually the 5th alter... our Original/Core was pulled inside at age 13, and has been stuck there ever since. Some part of our system knows or decides who is best suited for fronting; we don't get to choose for ourselves. We just get pushed out or pulled in as the "controller" of our system sees fit.

It sounds like you are making really great progress! You keep getting more memories, your are aware of Host fretting, you are not overwhelmed with emotions... you are even aware of the oncoming nightmares. This is all great progress ~ you might even start getting closer to the others you are cut off from!

My Insiders were dormant for about 20 years... now that they are all awake, we have interesting things happen. For instance, some parts don't recognize my oldest son as my son, they keep thinking he is my big brother... so I keep calling my son by my brothers name, which I NEVER did until they woke up, lol!

Thanks for your reply. I don't know who is the original but I might be. Seems more like there is a bit of the original in all of us.

Being pushed out or in is hard. Sometimes it's like whoever feels the most emotion is out, sometimes it's like it's whoever feels the least to keep us safe from emotion. I'm not sure how it works.

You are right there has been a lot of progress. Mostly in just the last 5 weeks since host first let one of us talk to T. T has been away since then but they have been emailing her. I don't know her.

Calling your son by your brother's name reminds me of how we relate to our dog. I'm told we've had her for a year but I remember different dogs who are now gone. I don't have a relationship with this dog. Host says she and Sarey (little) love this dog but Sarey also has trouble with the passage of time and calls her New Dog instead of her name.
Terrin

Hi, Terrin. I'm a support person. I hope you don't mind me asking a question. First, I'm happy to see that you are acclimating well...I hope it's a smooth transition for you, you sound like you are doing well.

My SO had a host switch and left me about four years ago. It's been difficult for both of us, but I've accepted it and moved on as best as I could. Although thoughts still bother me, especially knowing how happy he was here with me (although not all the alters were happy).

I was wondering, what happened to friendships you had seven years ago? Did you remain close with those people or did they fall by the wayside? Are you thinking of reconnecting? Just wondering, hope my question is okay, it's difficult to find answers to these questions until I see someone talking about a host change.

Best of luck...

Hi Patience,
We are not host changing now, C has been host for seven years and remains host now. I am just peeking out again after a long time. But in regards to friendships most of the friends we had before I became host when the body was 25, dropped us when I became host. I was very suicidal and manipulative. The few friends we made while I was host also dropped us before C came. C has reconnected with two of these friends and has a strong relationship with one of them. I guess it's different than your SO because people don't like me. They like C and like "us" better now that she is host.

Your situation sounds difficult. So sorry. Does the host you knew ever appear? You must miss him.
Terrin

Thank you for responding. Yes, I miss him very much. He (they) are wonderful and I miss them all a lot. He and the alters that really liked and loved me started peeking out to see me about five month after he left. He maintained contact with me when he could...it seemed almost like he was sneaking to contact me, but he finally closed down all contact several months ago.

Funny you mentioned people don't like you. Most people didn't like the man they thought I was involved in (nobody knew he was more than one, of course) but he came off as cold and rude to them. Of course I knew differently.

I completely believe the day will come when he reaches out. When that day comes, I will continue to offer him a helping hand and encouragement to seek the therapy that he continuously sabotages.

Hi Patience,
Sorry for your loss! It is like a death but one you can't mourn. Do you have anyone to talk to about this? Why did he stop contact? Do you know? How do you feel about the new host(s)? You sound like a true and committed partner. They are lucky.
Terrin