DID? I Don't Know

I honestly don't know how to start or write this. I've contemplated posting here for awhile(it feels like weeks, but I think its only been a week or two) but kept changing my mind. The thing is, I've known about DID for over a year now maybe, but I haven't done in-depth research until 2 weeks ago. Instead of making me confident that I don't have DID, it made it seem more possible that I do.

I am 17 years old, female, and a senior in high school. There are so many things I could write about why I think I might have DID, so I guess I'll just list some experiences and things and try to keep it short enough.

- Amnesia. Most of my childhood(elementary and middle school) is completely blank. Most of high school(9-11) is blurry too, though I remember more. I also associate most memories with school, to the point if you asked what life was like when I was 12, I'd ask "what grade would I be in?". Memories of home and school feel separate. My memory in general is pretty bad. I also know "memories" or "facts" about my past that I know/think happened, I just don't feel connected to them.

- As soon as I'm home, it's like a switch turns on. I dissociate, don't think about school or anything, get on my computer, and feel like the world doesn't exist. This has been going on for years I think, and causes me to not do homework or anything. I'll tell myself I need to do something productive but I feel paralyzed. I just can't do anything.

- I dissociate in school too, but in a different way.

- In my childhood I know that I was bullied alot and I feared/hated my mother? School and home were places that brought intense fear, and I didn't have anywhere else. Knowing this doesn't bring any emotions, infact I just feel weird and disconnected. I also don't have much memory of it.

- If I do have DID, there are possible alters. (**possible TW**)
Revenge: When reading about types of alters, I read about ones that hold the anger and frustration the victim has, and the protectors that are (outwardly) physically/verbally/emotionally agressive. I remember thinking "Oh... that would explain it." Since I was little, I would visualize this person who was me, but not me, who would want vengeance on those who hurt her/me/us? I feel hesitant saying this, but I would have fantasies of her getting violent revenge on those she/we? thought deserved it. The amount of people who "deserve it" are actually very small, as she/I/we are very forgiving, and you would have to do alot of bad stuff for years for her to hate you. One person she does hate, is my mom. Right now, I live with my dad, his girlfriend and her son. Sometimes, my dad and mom will meet so that I'll visit her for a weekend, and it doesn't normally turn out well. About a month ago, I was going to visit my mom, and I got in her car. Normally, I'd suddenly get extremely angry and verbally agressive or silent, but that didn't happen. I remember thinking how weird I felt, and how normally I'd feel different by then. But I felt like I didn't know who she was. I knew she was my "mom", but that meant nothing to me, and I felt nothing. When she tried to engage conversation, I interrupted and said I was going to listen to music. The next day, I felt different(as in, a different "person") and angry again.

The Leader: Perfectionist, very critical, attentive. At the beginning of this school year(12th), I remember feeling very stressed and worried about school, since my past grades were decreasing year after year, as it was always hard to pay attention despite taking ADD medication, and I dissociated too much at home to get any homework done. Suddenly, I started getting stuff done at home, I was keeping an eye on my grades, I was able to keep focus during class. Anything lower than an A was unacceptable, and the idea that I only cared about passing in the past was too bizarre. I managed to get straight A's for the first time ever when the first quarter ended. I even became president of the art club. Even if it wasn't a big deal, and I knew I wouldn't do much, I was still very surprised that I signed up. When the second quarter started, the feeling started to "fade". I was getting good grades, but I started dissociating more. Eventually, when the quarter ended two weeks ago, I saw that I might not get straight A's again. A part of me felt angry, then suddenly wanted to die, even if at the same time I didn't. At the same time I was telling myself "I can't believe this. I want to die.", I told myself "It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's fine." And a weird feeling happened over the process of 2-3 days, where I pushed away those thoughts, and eventually felt fine.

There was alot more I wanted to say, but I don't want to make this post even longer. I almost forgot to say, I'm posting this to get insight/opinions/advice from others if this really is DID, but I understand not to take anyone's comment as a diagnosis.

(Sorry if this post is confusing, I've been writing for hours and my head feels messy.)

~Caroline

Hi Caroline,

Reading this post really touched me. It felt almost as if I could have written it! The conditions that lead to me being in a system are almost the exact same as yours. As a child, I felt unloved all the time, both at school and home. That lead me to dissociate the same way you do. Dissociating from school life let me breathe at home, without feeling stressed. But then I wouldn't be able to keep up with my grades, which would lead to tension at home, so I would dissociate at school too.

I won't say that you have DID (only an experienced medical professional is qualified to make conclusions about you) but I will say that you should be open to the idea of it. I'm not a professional, but almost everything you describe in your post feels very familiar to me, down to asking what grade I would be in. In addition, it probably wouldn't hurt to start opening connection to any potential alters who are willing to talk. Don't be afraid to talk to anyone who is angry or upset. Often, they have a reason for it (it makes sense to them, whether or not it makes sense to you). However, I wouldn't start looking for memories until you're away from home and stable enough to handle potential trauma. Doing so could be dangerous for you or others in your (possible) system.

Once again, only a qualified professional can diagnose you. I'm not a professional, I only have subjective experience with DID.

Hope you're well (:

i am not sure if it is DID. there are a lot of things, even general dissociation, that can cause memory issues. anxiety and stress can also cause a type of dissociation where things don't seem real or you don't feel real, people seem strange, etc.

i have asked a lot of people what they remember about their childhood, those with mental health issues and those without, and it surprised me that a lot actually do not remember a lot even if they had an okay childhood. i always thought my memory issues were specifically related to dissociation or other things. some of the memory issues could just be normal for you.

i can remember things at school more than home, remember friends, and remember the layouts of houses, but i don't remember the dynamics of the household, though it also changed a lot. i don't know day to day stuff from childhood, but those are also small details that most wouldn't remember unless they have a very good memory because our brains cannot really hold ALL that information.

i am not saying you don't struggle or that you don't have some type of dissociation because it sounds like you might, i just am unsure if it is DID or not. there are a lot of things to look at with DID, and it often takes a professional who really knows what they are looking at to help you figure it out better.

i'm sorry but no one here can diagnose you. if you truly want to know whether you have DID or not i highly encourage you to talk to a professional (a psychiatrist or a therapist) about it. they'll be able to diagnose you and help you. all i can tell you is that DID is caused by severe childhood trauma. if you have any sort of trauma in your childhood before the age of 9, then you might have DID. (but once again, no one can know for sure unless you talk to a professional) good luck.

- lung

It's true that only a professional can diagnose, but there is a problem with that: misdiagnosis is very common before you get a DID diagnosis because a lot of professionals are wary about it for a variety of reasons. The most important thing right now is that you have a good relationship with yourself/selves. If writing and talking to your dissociated parts will help you, I say it's ok in my opinion. Even if they are not true alters, we all have aspects to our personality and getting to understand them can only make us stronger. What medium do you communicate with yourself best in? Art? Writing? Music? Vocalizing? Identifying a way of communicating your feelings to yourself can be very beneficial. I like to write and paint so I invite different parts to have their say when I'm doing those things. Writing works best for me though and is always available. Sometimes all that comes out is a scribble but that's ok you can get information from that. Was it an angry scribble? A lethargic line? You get the idea. I guess what I'm saying is that knowing your parts, whether they are actually dissociated personalities or not, might make you feel like you have more support, even if that support is coming from yourself.
Claire

I agree with everything everyone said and exactly what ColouredLeaves said. Keep communication open, write a journal or something, and be careful with what therapist you choose. Also, keep talking in here and read other peoples experiences and compare your own if you want.

I think relationships are important, so try at first to not let that alter any where near mom. Desensitizing is a good idea pick out several things that get you angered that might happen based on how mom is. I would just try to expose yourself to those, so that the right people are not there and are okay with it. Journal a whole lot, so that mom stays in your life. Make sure safety is attained first, so that you can cope because you will get mad just like she put in the her introduction on this post. Find some sort of outlet until you can really understand what is happening