The Snail's Journey Thread

Our system also has them too. But those are not our Big Ones.
What we think is that the suicidal thoughts are coming either from 16 years old Sara who has less coping mechanisms than others or from E.S- our ever missing post (ID name).
We think the Host should be a woman who doesn't want to be/ exist at all, so she's hiding from us.
most of the time we just have L.

We are sorry to hear that there is a shouting voice. we used to have them too years ago but they were gone after therapy.

We are sending Snowy Owl to visit Cyan & Merry.
When things get rough, snowy owl camouflage herself in the snow or fly away until it's safe.
we're also sending turtles because we think they are very smart to hide in their shells when they want to.

We don't normally have anyone shouting here. Now the one that was following Cyan around the other day has gone away again. I guess it gave up because Adult was eventually able to be all like "oh, hi, who's this?" instead of freaking out.

I think Cyan is crying... from really understanding the owl and turtles were for her. This is the first time I feel her feeling something real and not just pure ice coldness or the death/violence wishes.

Meri also thinks the owl is so beautiful and she is petting the turtle's shell. It is a very important thing for her to understand that she can always go to safety, such as the Magical Garden, if she is afraid. Then when things are ok again, she can go get on with what she was doing elsewhere. Life happens elsewhere, but she can always go back to her safe place.
We didn't have a 100% certain "safe place" ever in childhood so this is a very important thing for my littles to really learn.

Thanks so much Blogjects.
Meri wants to send something back but she is not sure. She would send a cherry blossom from the Magical Garden but she doesn't want to break the branches of the trees.
But she also likes another creature that goes into its shell for safety, the snail. And this pic didn't require hurting any trees so I suggested we'd send you this, I hope you like it. It's two snails being really brave and succeeding in reaching each other, all along carrying their shells so they can go back to safety if needed.

Hi snailgirl

I like journey threads too... thank you.

***TW: Suicidal ideation ***
Some of the Alters in our System have suffered from suicidal ideation for a very long time. Four years ago it was very serious and I expected to lose my wife at any time. It quietened down into periods of self-harm thereafter. Unfortunately, with the latest Alter presenting, the suicidal ideation became very strong again. I spent two weeks on suicide watch - it was exhausting! I eventually managed to convince the System that a suicide attempt would mean hospitalization. This led to an internal self-regulation of the behavior.
***End TW ***

Safe spaces are great, both in the physical world and in the internal world. I encourage our System to develop safe spaces internally, and I assist with creating safe spaces and safe times in the external world.

Take care... Brett

Thanks for the comment & understanding Brett. Sounds like you truly are a great help to the System
My alter Nora has thought of it many times before, but not for a while now as she's grown so much this autumn. There was one time she would have done it if we hadn't been physically stopped by someone else.

Anyhow - new things to say. My sense of smell is returning, which is very weird because I forgot it was gone.
Also just a moment ago I cried really hard for maybe 5 minutes, but I had no idea why, nothing at all on my conscious mind. I tried to recognise who was crying, but couldn't.
Finally I looked into Worry Room inside my mind. There I have a Worry Bag where my alters can put their worries if they don't want to come knocking and say them. I check the Bag every now and then and the alters know it.
There was a huge, massive, glowing pearl inside. It floated up out of the Worry Bag on its own, then the mental image collapsed and my crying immediately stopped. I suppose the alters will tell me later just what happened.
It could be related to my earlier moment - I understood I was remembering old things in a new way.

*** TW: Childhood bullying etc. No detailed descriptions ***

I have known and also remembered images of being bullied, but there was very little information about how it felt. Now something has been triggered and I remember the fear, trembling, powerlessness, the coldness and stiffness of my own body. This means someone is letting go of the secret, likely Strong Girl. I also think Meri knows this stuff better than the other girls, I mean they all suffered in their own ways, but Meri seems to know more than the others do. She is afraid of my other littles, expecting them to ridicule her when they wouldn't do that, they're waiting eagerly for the day she is ready to play with them.

*** END TW ***

It seems my love for my littles grows and grows to proportions I didn't know it could take. I know that I lost the time that could have been a good, safe childhood and I mourn it, but I sure am not letting my little girls just be stuck in there re-living the bad stuff. I will continue to help them until everyone is ok.

-SG

Minttu took a huge step. She was a very happy and nice 11 year old and I was thinking she might remain that way, but no!
There was another system with an ill little girl alter, who made Minttu feel very sorry. She wanted to help her and be on her side. When she did, she realised she felt hate, frustration, disappointment, and even that she fully believed that the other girl was able to heal. Soon afterwards Minttu was no longer stuck at 11, and my alter called Hate (who could also be called Brave) gave her a new Hand of Braveness that she can use to help more children!
Minttu can now choose which age she is depending on who she meets, and she is taking her new job very seriously. She's still learning, and the older, long-time internal helpers are giving her advice haha, it's so nice! I kinda wanted to integrate her, but then I decided that she could be a great help as a separate part as she can appear as a child and help other littles. I don't care if I'm integrated or not if we function well as a group (nothing against integration though when the time is right).

Though with her feeling THAT good, another new little came up that she immediately started to help.
Her name is Iina. And now I am getting massive déja vù.... don't know why, I think it's a side effect of my meds or just a little brain blip.

Thank you very much for the snail & the cherries.
Little Sara likes them.
Also, glad to hear about Minttu making such big steps!
System should be proud of her.
Here's for Minttu

Yes we are very proud of her, thanks for the nice mint leaves

We aren't doing so well today. I will copy from the "How are you" thread:

Bad timing bringing up my worst trauma in therapy...I had to leave because my time was up and I was in uncontrollable tears. Then all my emotion went away and I only feel a bit of bodily pain now. I look inside and my alters are wearing leg weights and sitting around looking confused, some are like knocking around, "hey, what's going on, can anyone hear us?"

Very much not nice after I had a breakthrough with Cyan over the weekend, I succeeded in expressing my love for her and she succeeded in expressing to me what hurts her, and I felt so many of her emotions so raw and pure that I don't know how long I cried, and my (Adult's) tears even collected in Iina's place of darkness and made it more tolerable for her. It was very very very good.

Now my littles fear our therapist.

Still numb, except physically the body feels bad. I am very tired and am not entirely sure what to do but Strong Girl woke up last night when another system's little needed help, and I see her thinking of something.

I still find it weird that her wit, strength and braveness is actually my wit, strength and braveness. I've completely made them hers.

Apparently I didn't acknowledge it here that I took a HUGE step forward with Cyan, too. She feels much better now. This was before the therapy last time.

Anyhow - from the numbness came black smoke, from the smoke a new alter was found. There is more about her in a heavily TW-marked thread I made, here I will just say she is born of a terrible trauma I went through as an adult.

For now her name is Eve. That is the only word she has spoken, as she is half asleep/comatose and covered in burns (just to be clear, my worst trauma isn't related to actual fire or coma). At first I wasn't sure what to do with her, but after some helpful discussion on this board and with my own ISH's, I came to realise that she too is just another part of me and needs love and compassion just like anyone else. Nora is with her right now as she too knows her story better than most others.

I'm still not feeling very well, but life goes on.

Also I added some things to my signature. "Hate" got fed up with being called just that because she knew she liked a name, and then Sam said in some thread that he'd rather see parts have human names than non-names related to their jobs, so now she is called her favourite name, Yola.
Strong Girl always had a name but she didn't want it said here. She's Peppi.

Iina is a sad case, I didn't get around to helping her much before Eve appeared, and she must not be forgotten.

The journey continues... I guess I should have a Trigger Warning here as I will be talking about some heavy issues.

So I got to talking about my worst trauma (happened in adulthood) in therapy and completely flattened out emotionally. I mentioned this in the "how are you" thread, saying I felt like a cardboard cutout of myself. Finally I realised, maybe it's another alter co-fronting strongly with me! I concentrated a bit and saw Cardboard actually was separate from me. She surfaces when things get too hard, and protects us from feelings that we're either too busy or too afraid to feel.

After learning this, I also figured out there's someone who carries a HUGE scary rage. And there's a girl stuck in a memory where she is afraid to go inside because mom is having a crazy episode and she has to pee so bad it hurts. Barriers are coming down and I am accessing the emotion in some bad memories and also good ones.

And now... for so long, maybe some years now, when on the phone with my mom I have flattened out and not felt much. But now my mom called and for the first time possibly ever, I felt a little inside me listen to mom's voice, being all "awwwww... mommy.... her voice is so beautiful". She was asking for permission to grab the phone and tell mom she misses her. I didn't let her, we're best off avoiding mom, she caused us so much childhood trauma. But I really felt how the little inside me loved to hear mom's voice and it hurt my heart.

I feel really tired, like my system and my way to appear normal and healthy is collapsing and I might have a breakdown in front of my T. I've fought for so long. I just want to sleep...